To ask your honest feelings about marriage

I think your apprehension is worrying and so you shouldn’t marry. I had absolutely zero doubts entering my own marriage and 14 years later were still blissfully happy. That being said I’ve seen it with family and friends how easy it is to marry the wrong person.

where I live, not in the UK, the couple decides, upon getting married, whether to partake in the 50/50 regime, whereby should you divorce you split the assets down the middle, or to keep finances, particularly those accrued before the marriage, separate.
There are plenty of people who choose each way. It isn’t seen as anything strange to not want to split assets, nor is it seen as being less in love.

Marriage generally protects the financially weaker party, normally the woman. So I agree it’s a business transaction based mainly on money (and historically land), but there is an element of true love there that says that both parties agree that they bring equal value to the table, that they are willing to combine their resources and work together, and that they will support the other if times get tough. That latter element is why I got married, to me the financial tie was a very important declaration of love, trust and commitment.

BUT I did so when we were both young and relatively poor. I wouldn’t do it again now I don’t think. Certainly not something to take lightly and I wouldn’t blame you if you decided not to particularly if you’ve had a few downs.

I said it SOUNDS cold. Which it does, Realistic or not. I don't think it's arrogant to believe your own marriage won't fail? This is optimistic and positive thinking. However, if the OP has such doubts she shouldn't get married.

OP is not being cold, she's being realistic. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce, and of those who remain married, still more are estranged or trapped in unhappy marriages. It would be arrogant for OP to think her luck would be any different from half the population. Nobody enters into marriage expecting it to fail or be unhappy, but it is a very real prospect never the less.

In your situation you would be crazy to get married.

Marriage is only really a good idea if you are the lower or non earning partner. If you have your own money you are basically playing Russian Roulette with your own financial security.

Then add into the mix that you don’t want to. (I’m like you: I hated being married and found it unbelievably stifling). Don’t do it. You can stay together/live together but marriage is a huge legal and financial white whale which you will regret.

I never thought I was the marrying type when I was growing up. I got married because I fell in love. And nearly 10 years on we are still very happy.
If I felt any ambivalence I wouldn't do it.

Why not have a non legal marriage? You could have a celebrant and a ceremony and promise each other love and commitment without the fear attached? It could be beautiful and romantic!

It sounds so cold. Maybe marriage just isnt right for you.

I agree, it's the absolute blind trust and faith in someone... and the slightly naive belief that they would always do 'the best thing'.

I totally love my dh, totally trust him. But then so does everyone when they make that commitment. (see my previous post where it took me 15 years to make that commitment). I've experienced too many stories where people (both male and female) are decent and honest - until they're getting divorced. Then either family / friends / an aggressive lawyer push the agenda and suddenly there's a claim on a pension, or an inheritance, or assets accrued prior to marriage.

The fact is that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful public declaration of love AND it is also a legal and financial contract. Those two things get intermingled. And it it right to look at every aspect before you make those declarations.

Civil partnership.is an.option if you don't want to to get married.
Or just stay as you are...your choice.

You have to do you OP but personally I love being married. I had been with DH 8 years before getting married but marrying him really secured our status as a unit, and each other’s first priority. Are you committed to being with your partner? Are your doubts about marriage or about the relationship? I have more money than DH but I want to share it with him.

Wouldn’t do it if I knew then what I know now…

What about UK inheritance tax allowances for married couples?
The more you have, the more it affects you. I am not saying you should marry, you probably shouldn’t as you could lose out in a split, but IHT is a consideration.

btw I am 30 years in and did it young. We had children. Yes, I would do it again.

It doesn't feel remotely like an 'institution' if you marry the right person; I adore my husband of 20 years, love being married and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Don't marry if you don't want to but it might call into question your commitment.

First marriage (with kids) didn't last. Only 9 years. All kinds of unanticipated misogynistic shit (which I went along with!). I lost a lot, was a SAHM for several years, my career suffered etc.

Next relationship (no further kids) - for 15 years we each had our own property assets, but lived together; own bank accounts and discussed finances but didn't share any particular details or have joint accounts. Worked in similar industry so it was evident we were both solvent.

It all felt very equal, and that every night we spent together (pretty much 100% of the time) was a positive choice we were making, not an entrapment where we didn't have an option other than staying together.

When we did eventually get married, it was both a warm declaration of love, and a practical benefit (getting older, inheritence, pensions etc.) Both of those aspects were completely OK for us. In our younger days, I benefited more from his higher earnings (self-employed), now he benefits more from my final salary index linked pension.

I wouldn’t get married again (married now)
I would also keep my own house, whether I’d live with someone, maybe, but I’d like the financial security of separate houses and accounts
it doesn’t sound like you want to get married, so don’t. Enjoy just being together, I would however take legal advice to make sure what was mine was protected in law

It makes you sensible. My husband and I got married without really thinking beyond loving each other, and had absolutely nothing at the time. If we were to divorce, we would happily and justifiably split everything down the middle (we now have a lot, we built it entirely together). However, I don’t think either of us would ever do the same thing again if we were at a point of thinking about remarriage, because now we have money and assets to think about, and signing that dotted line is basically agreeing to give up to 50% of it up, even if the divorce isn’t what you wanted, isn’t your fault, and is the result of someone leaving you for someone else.

I think marriage when assets are brought to the table is hugely different to when they aren’t.

Yikes. If that's how you feel don't get married. It doesn't sound romantic at all.

I love being married (not quite a year in). I like the security and the feeling that we won't just break up. For me it's about us both having strong opinions on marriage being forever.

There’s something very un-undoable about it for her. She could lose half of everything she’s brought to the table.

Personally, I think you’re expressing why so many divorces turn so nasty.

You are right - marriage isn’t a declaration of love. Not marrying him is not a reflection of whether you do or do not love him.

Marriage is a serious legal contract with huge financial implications for what can be all of the rest of your life.

People forget this, go into it ‘for love’ and then some (mainly men) get really nasty when the (usually woman) ‘goes after’ what that contract they willingly signed said they would be entitled to as part of the contract.

I would re evaluate your situation if you decide to have children. It may be that you don’t work (if you were to choose not to, and wanted to be a SAHM) and he works, so over time your contributions even up. Or it may be that it remains the same, but you decide to make the commitment anyway.

Right now, in your position, no I wouldn’t get married.

@researchers3 unfortunately, too common an experience.