Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

This man has issues with his last relationship. I'm sorry I haven't read every reply or your own updates OP. As far as I'm concerned so far I would be telling my DH it's either him or me. You can't take on the burden of your DHs relationships. If he makes it clear he supports him before he supports you in this situation I'd be concerned about his sexuality.

My DP’s bestie is also a bit of a perv and it took me a while to get used to him, I found him really off putting in our initial interactions just because the jokes were always so sexual.

I’ve warmed up to him after a road trip to go pick up my DP in which he was perfectly nice and normal but I felt a bit off and debated telling my DP, then ultimately decided to let it go unless it happened again.

However the issue here is your DH, he’s clearly a lads’ lad who acts different around his boys. Him knowing you’re uncomfortable should be enough for him to establish some ground rules with his friend. I’ve had a couple situations where DP’s friends joked about my accent or being foreign and they were swiftly asked if they wanted to keep their jaws on by him.

Re that awful comment on the strap on - I would be tempted to say "Whilst there are men like you, there will always be Lesbians".

This is not meant to be offensive to any Gay person or anybody who respects people for whatever their lifestyle/self identity is, after all you do not know my gender or sexual preference - I am using it to show the woman hater up for what he is and just using a phrase I have used many times to men who have used derogatory terms to women in front of me, to me, or who have called me a Lesbian because I didn't fall about laughing at their crude attempts at humour.

I would be too. How unattractive. He's prioritising his knobhead friend over you. I'd fucking hate having a man like that in my home several times a week besides.

I know a man like this, he's always making inappropriate comments about women. But he's also recently diagnosed with autism. I told him straight he can't speak about women like that. He actually didn't realise there was anything wrong with it. Did he act like this before? Could he just be trying to be funny because he's hurting from the breakup and doesn't actually know how to be funny without making inappropriate comments?

I'm so sorry your partner is pathetically not standing up for you. That's fundamental for me. No fucking way would my partner allow such disrespect. Nor would I allow others to mock him. Non negotiable.

challenge him once - if he is argumentative or makes further "off" comments, tell him to leave, and he is not welcome to visit again.

In some ways, if he is genuinely thinks like this, In your position I'd prefer he vocalise and acknowledges his thoughts - however unpleasant at least you know how unpleasant he is, & can tell him to fuck off, rather than rushing round getting him a glass of wine and thinking he's just a bit quiet or weird.

@PearlGold

Well, I'll bet there's no wondering who broke up with who, is there?

I understand the aftereffects of abusive relationships, they can last a long time. But if they're affecting your ability to stand up for yourself or to ensure the 'peaceful enjoyment of your own home' then it may be time to do something about those aftereffects. You may want to consider counseling.

I did and now I take no prisoners when it comes to my home and the behaviour I'll put up with there. I don't need DH to speak for me, I can speak for myself. Yes, it's nice when he recognizes a situation with his friends and 'gets in there first', but if he doesn't, I will. And if he's not happy with what I've said, well, next time he'll beat me to the punch.

Sulking in the bedroom only hurts you. And chances are your DH's friend gets a thrill out of knowing he's upset you and 'chased you away'. Don't let him 'win' like that.

Ugh.

Reading the OP - those comments are borderline for me, I don't like them, but its more because they're clearly him testing the water to see what he can say and get away with, will his bestie back him up etc etc.

And as expected, he's upped the ante, meaning your DH has either not said a fucking word about him behaving himself OR he HAS but in a 'but I don't care, she's being over sensitive' way, meaning twat friend has just had a green light to go further and be an even bigger dick.

I'd tell him he can hang out with who he likes, but theres no way that prick is entering my home again so they'll have to go play with each other somewhere else!

PearlGold, have just read your last post and I feel for you. I'm a bit more devious than you so don't do anything that I'm saying, I'm just venting 'cos I'm sad and mad for you. I don't know if this cretin is as ugly on the outside as he is on the inside but if he was fairly/very attractive I would have by now been doing my best to laugh at everything he said or joked about, telling him how funny he was letting him think he was something else,sitting/squashing next to him on the settee, offering him more food/drink but forgetting to offer DH any.... When he eventually left I would be telling DH how funny and what good craic he was and then you would have seen the change in DH as the green eyed monster rose. He would not have been quite so generous with the offer of visits/meals etc. BTW this would have been after 2nd vist and still no respect from him. If you tried it now DH might cotton on to ploy, so don't do anything that could humiliate you more. Stay safe. BTW have you not got any annoying friends/relatives that DH not keen on, that you could inflict on DH on days when friend is not coming round.

When men behave like this I find it helps to say how unattractive it is. How it gives you and most women the ick. So, it’s really turned you off him.

That way, you’re not telling your DH how to behave. You’re openly communicating your reaction to his behaviour.

If he doesn’t care whether it turns you off, you have your answer.

Sorry OP, but I no longer feel sorry for you, as you're clearly not prepared to get off your backside and tell these morons that their behaviour is unacceptable. If you're not prepared to help yourself, then I don't think any of us can help you either.

I too agree a good approach is to ask your DH why he doesn’t seem to mind that his friend disrespects his wife (and thereby him) in his own home? Say most men would feel mugged off by a mate who did that. He’s taking the piss.

The starting point should be that any decent man expects his friends to respect his wife and family, especially when a guest in their home. If your DH implies it’s OK in any way (you should lighten up, only jokes etc etc), the implication is he’s not a decent man. In fact, his manhood is questionable. He’s still a boy.

According to DH that’s an innocent comment and he doesn’t think any other woman would take offence!!

I'm sorry, OP, but your husband sounds as much of a twat as his friend. It doesn't matter what he thinks other women would or wouldn't feel about it (and he's wrong on that anyway) - what matters is how YOU feel about it. I would tell him that in a country where VAWAG is frighteningly high, and where we know that assault often starts with disrespectful comments and then escalates, you are not prepared to hear women being spoken about disrespectfully in your home. I would also get him to read about structural misogyny and sexism - anything by Laura Bates would be a good place to start. And if he's not prepared to do that, and to find out what your and every other woman's experience of the world is, then frankly he can fuck right off.

No big deal??????? This is not daft banter between men - it is crass, gross remarks to OP - a female - the wife and co owner of the house that friend is lounging and scrounging in. Women may/do talk between themselves and may share dirty jokes or whatever, at work and on nights out together - in all-female company - that is the difference. You are missing the point.

Good point @Doubledenim305
"most men would not like that fact alone as it shows that friend believes DH's wife -(DH's choice to marry/cohabit with) is not worthy of respect and really that is disrespecting DH as well."

That might appeal to the DH's idiotic vanity. And he is encouraging DH to be vile to OP. More conversations along the lines of the friend is using DH and making a complete fool of him. However, the DH seems to be fine with all of this.

If the OP says direct to the friend,You are not welcome in this house. instead of relying on spineless DH to talk to friend at least then its all out in the open that OP is opposed to him being there. Technically its not at the moment because she is cooking for him and watching tv with him, although unwillingly. It must be unbearable.

This.

Read your latest post @PearlGold. My word, my teenage and young adult DSs don’t behave like that. They’d think anyone who did was a bit of a dick.

It’s greatly concerning that you’re having to be forced upstairs all evening in your own effing home. How dare they disrespect you in it.

If you want or need to go downstairs and if there’s any more of it, I’d simply say: ‘I’ve welcomed you into my home and offered you dinner. If you don’t have respect for me, why are you here? I’d like you to leave now.’

you are getting an insight into what the conversations between him and your H are like when you aren't there

This. You have a DH problem because he thinks this cretin is hilarious.

I'm not surprised you are fuming.

But really, how long are you going to silently put up with the Friend be so rude to you and practically giving your idiot husband lessons in how to insult you and applauding him when he manages to score a good point ?

The time for politeness is passed.
This is the point where you say direct to Friend.
I find you offensive and rude.
You are not welcome in my house.
Leave now.

There will be an outcry.. but you have to keep repeating direct to the friend.
You are not welcome here and repeat.

I can't see them stopping otherwise, they are so disrespectful.

Doubledenim305 - Exactly, you are correct. Pearl has already told or made clear that friend and his gross comments are not welcome and I believe she has told DH, but DH obviously thinks too much of his friend. It's ok everyone saying Pearl should do this and that and say this and that, but without back up from DH it is going to fall on deaf ears. She can tell her husband very strongly later when disgusting friend has gone but it depends on how much DH likes his friend, how far they go back. If she gives DH an ultimatum, it needs to be one that doesn't disadvantage her e.g. "he's not welcome here with those type of comments and if you think it's ok you need to join him somewhere else" - this just gives DH a reason to go out with friend and possibly spend money in the pub that is not affordable, or DH could go out with friend and DH/both end up drunk and comes home and annoys Pearl even more and DH argues with her and it all gets out of hand. If at all possible, Pearl needs to explain to DH calmly that what the friend is saying is not only embarrassing her and making her feel really uncomfortable but she is surprised that DH is not annoyed by friend disrespecting wife - most men would not like that fact alone as it shows that friend believes DH's wife -(DH's choiceto marry/cohabit with) is not worthy of respect and really that is disrespecting DH as well. I hope they can sort it out between them but friend must be rubbing his hands in glee, probably hoping wife will leave DH and he can have DH to himself and comfort of the home without any interruptions from wife. I dislike him and I don't even know him but I know how friends can come between couples. Good luck PearlGold.

you have a DH problem

go nuclear after the "friend" has left

That would have been the perfect moment to stand up and say:

"Right, I've had enough, no wonder Linda kicked you out, you're disgusting. Get out of my house and don't come back."

Then if DH takes his side tell him he can fuck off too.

Your DH is an immature dick, he's clearly spending too much time with this wanker. No wonder his GF/wife kicked him out.