Fed up with DH’s pervy friend coming round our house

i presume you’re a grown woman, so I’m confused why you need your husband to speak for you! You don’t like his behaviour in your house, so you tell him! You’re condoning him by not saying anything!

@ChaliceinWonderland has resurrected a pretty old thread!

Is this still a problem, OP? Hopefully he's not still sitting in your lounge making stupid comments 9 months later 😂

Throw him out and tell him not to come back. If the husband does not like it he can leave as well. You should not have to endure this in your own house. Your husband is being a selfish arsehole.

Yeah this

I don’t agree. How bad does it have to get? ‘ Joking’ about the OP’s knicker drawer, about women using strap-ons, all in front of OP in her house - that’s a low enough bar for me.

Haven't rtwt but it's immature comedy to your DH by his best mate.
I wouldn't find it offensive personally but everyone's different and I don't invalidate your feelings on this OP.

I would however be speaking my mind when these things happen so he knows he's crossing a line and I don't like it and if it keeps happening you'll have to stop coming round so much.

Honestly, it’s your home. If he’s there too much, tell DH it’s time they both spent at Pervy Pant’s place so you can relax. If he chooses to spend on takeaway and alcohol while there, your argument won’t be minimised by you sharing it. I think you could do with space away from both of these idiots.

I would not take offence, your DH is right, I'm another woman. I command and require respect from guys but I wouldn't have an issue with this.

sorry wrong quote

DH isn't telling him off for one of two reasons:

1. He doesn't want to be unfriendly towards a friend who is having a difficult time.
2. He actually agrees with the friend and only hides his misogeny from you.

You don't have a friend problem, not really. You have a husband problem. He needs to man up and tell his friend off or send his friend packing. If not, you have your answer and that is he doesn't care about you or other women.

You are 100% right. His behaviour is perverted and harmful to all around him. Sickening. Time for action in a subtle and diplomatic and gradual manner. Evict him for ever if you can bring that about. Good luck.

It depends on how you used to get on with this man. I'd just call him out or make comments about blokes , what someone suggested before about talking to him if he's expecting to have another relationship. I think sometimes men forget where they are when they make stupid comments and as it's your home you have every right to tell him what you think

I think I might know why he has split from his girlfriend, but I need to check with Sherlock Holmes first.....

Hi PearlGold, hope you're feeling ok today. I agree with PoppyTries and think you may need to disrupt the visits rather than argue with DH later after friend has left, as I think you get more upset by this and nothing changes. How are you at dirty looks? A former partner used to call me The Serpent to his mates and to me as he said I could kill a person at 20 paces with one look and one lash of my tongue. I wasn't at all offended, better they were forewarned. I was a bit more feisty then. I do understand the situation however, and it's not nice to be painted as the miserable one who can't take a joke. I 've had all that, but luckily i was able to respond with witty one liners - it doesn't mean I wasn't upset, I was just good at hiding it, as I wouldn't give anyone, especially a bully, the satisfaction of thinking they had hurt/bothered me. I waited until I was on my own to express any hurt/tears. I had blazing rows though later, but it didn't really solve things. Difference was FP's friends would turn up but never insult me or anything but they would be giggling like schoolkids and it was usually because the friend was trying secretly to get FP to go out - on a work night. If FP went out then when he returned home he would wake me up and then keep me awake all night with horrific snoring, talking and walking in his sleep and then he would not get up and go to work next day and I would be shattered and have a full days work to do, so I was not amused as it happened so many times and affected our income as he had loads of missed days at work. Some posters are suggesting you tell DH to go to the pub with his friend - depends on you, but personally I would never suggest that because as mentioned above, it can be more disruptive on you, it can become a habit, an expensive one, people who drink often say/do more aggressive or hurtful things than they would if sober as their filter seems to disappear and things can quickly escalate. My FP would have loved it if I told him to go to the pub, but as I mentioned, he was terrible in drink and really, really annoying and loud when he was drunk on any level. Only you know how your DH is in drink but please don't put yourself in any danger just to prove a point by telling him to get ot and go to the pub. I do not know if you have children, although a few posters have mentioned kids. The point is if you have you don't want the kids upset so you may be holding things back to spare them, but for some reason I don't think you have kids or they are not witness to the friend's behaviour, which is better for you and kids if you do have them. Stay safe and I hope you can resolve this soon.

It has come to the point where your “D”H can either support his disgusting friend or he can support you.

if he’s not going to make sure you’re comfortable in your own home, I’d make them uncomfortable. No snacks or drinks in the house for them. Plan a loud activity in the room with the kids. Can you lose the remote before the next visit?

Oh my word I would be telling him myself! Out my house enough is enough!

I hope you’re ok @PearlGold . X

I agree with others that the friend is pushing boundaries and is trying to engineer a break up between you and DH so they can continue their bromance unencumbered and talk with each other about what bitches women are. Perhaps pointing out to DH that you think this is what friend’s intention is might wake him up, although I doubt it.

re the farting and the football, I probably would have asked him to leave. Just ‘that’s enough, time to leave Bob’ and if either he or DH objected I would have cut the plug off the TV. But I think there is sometimes quite a bit of value to being unhinged at times.

Reading this has reminded me of a relationship I had years ago where my BF prioritised his friendship over our relationship. He moved his mate into his spare room and eventually I recognised it was never going to change and I left. I hope it doesn’t get to that point for you

Hate to say it, but your DH isn’t much better than your ex’s!
if you’re saying you don’t want this friend coming round to YOUR home then he should respect your wishes! He should respect that he makes you feel uncomfortable and he should be telling his friend not to run women down! Running anyone down is horrible and not funny!
Him saying you have no sense of humour and dismissing your feelings is gaslighting behaviour and I think you need to have a serious word with him and tell him he’s being very disrespectful!
I don’t think I could stay with a man who has so little regard for your feelings and wishes! And I’d be telling him this!!

Fucking hell, you're living with Beavis and Butthead. What a pair of juvenile twats .

Well he clearly isn’t bothered about spending time with you!
id get yourself ready next time he’s due round and arrange to spend to spend the evening with his ex… as he walks in, walk out and say I’m off to see Sandra…

Id worry they would enjoy the sport of watching her react to their behaviour. Sort of thing silly boys would enjoy.
If DH doesn't listen, I'd absent myself from the house and him and let him have it his way and plan an exit if he doesn't back track.

Friday night seems as good a time as any to vaccum the lounge.

I like @pollymere's comment

"If your DH starts grumbling you're no fun anymore, just reply that he never used to be such an offensive arse but people change..."

I can appreciate with those two ganging up on you that its very difficult to make a stand, but I don't think you should see it like that.

The "Friend" is pushing boundaries for sure, as several PPs have said.
Therefore he's going to keep on saying offensive things and upping the anti to see what he can get away with, and how much he can get your DH on side, laughing at your reaction. He's already starting this ascent, from the examples you've given.

But I think you are well within your rights to have a few simple phrases up your sleeve that are easy to deliver in a calm, no nonsense voice. and repeat.
eg.. That is disgusting. As a guest in my house you should not be speaking to me that way..
Him. "Oh can't you take a joke?"

"I could if it was actually funny" or the classic.. "Don't give up your day job".

So think of it as correcting them - each and every time, rather than starting an argument.
"That is disgusting. Please do not come to my home and behave like that and call it a joke."
I've noticed that he replies with comments like well you fart etc...keep repeating what your first comment was. "That doesn't alter the fact that this is my house and your behaviour is disgusting"
And if there is a pile on, just say firmly "I am not debating this with you. Your behaviour is disgusting and I am sick of it."

I think it is significant that these men met at primary school.. and revert to their childish behaviour when they meet up.

Also, correct your DH's terminology, don't let him frame or label your reactions. It doesn't have to be an argument.. just say calmly for eg when he asked why you were sulking... "I am not sulking. I just cannot stand putting up with his disgusting behaviour whilst you sit there laughing. It is not funny."

Its awful to have to deal with this idiot and worse to see him encouraging your DH to be as horrible as him. Your DH is not going to stand up to the Friend. He's too in awe of the Friends macho personality and is terrified of appearing to be under the thumb of his DW.
If you feel up to it. I would say directly to the Friend that he is no longer welcome in your house as he keeps disrespecting you. He can go and tell his rotten jokes somewhere else.
Best of luck OP.

Thanks CarrotVan for showing some compassion. PearlGold posted as I presume she wanted some validation that she was not being unreasonable about her feelings towards the unpleasant best friend of her husband. Whilst I appreciate the majority of people who have posted have the best intentions in the world, some are actually bordering on bullying although they may not see it this way. PG had already stated she has issues from the past and she already feels outnumbered at 2 - 1. We are all different in how we react to things. Life throws curve balls and someone quiet and unassuming can suddenly grow confidence which is great but not everyone will. Some people who were fairly confident can have a few or a lot of knock downs in life and lose every bit of self worth they once had. I know people don't mean to be so hard but tough love isn't always the best. We don't know if PG has close relatives or a group of friends or even one close friend she can confide in. I do hope she has but that may be the reason she posted on here for support as she doesn't have close friends/relatives she can depend on. Please don't post about getting some self respect etc and scroll past.if you can't offer sound advice with a little empathy.