Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

I think you should consider suggesting you go together to counselling given the outburst he had. Did he apologise to the kids too, and say he should never have behaved like that? I hope so! If I were you I would be going on the family holiday with the kids and not calling him while he’s at the wedding.

you need to think about how much you really expect of him to hang out with your family, how much you expect him to bring you in to his family, and say I don’t really support you making our kids part of your family and not me. I won’t be inviting them to many of our family things, you’ve made it clear they aren’t my family and as such they don’t belong in our family, whether or not they are your family. You’ve chosen to have separate families and told our kids to lie and screamed in my face. But also he shouldn’t have to hang out regularly with a brother in law who bores him. I don’t quite know where I sit overall- in your shoes I would think it deal breaker if the kids were invited to the wedding and not you, or the other partners and not you, but it doesn’t sound like that.

FFS!!!

ok shouting in your face is not acceptable however same situ with my OH and his family , absolutely despise his family for so so many reasons ( all fair and valid for how we’ve been treated over the years ) OH visits my family with me now and again and also goes to pick our son up from then on the rare occasion without me and gets on well with them , however I refuse to visit his family because of the way me and children have been treated and OH never supporting me over it so shot himself in the foot there as won’t put myself and children in toxic environments where we are outnumbered with no support so I can see both sides but honestly if he really doesn’t want to see your family just go with it he’s an adult and his choice after all! SIL wedding all sounds a bit weird tbh , honestly who does that ?! I will say one thing , remember you don’t live with his family neither are you in a relationship with them so always remember that , and remember it’s not worth things getting so out of hand and bad things being said that can’t be taken back as your setting outside influences interfere in your relationship xx

He has no respect for you, so that’s why his family doesn’t respect you.

This

But would OP have accepted that?

Based on the repeatedly asking him why he's not available, repeatedly asking what to say to his sister, being upset enough to make this post, titling it not invited to SILs wedding, AND wanting an explanation still, I'd guess not

Your husband shouldn’t be keeping secrets from you. He should have said my sister is getting married. They are keeping it super small and it’s just me going on this date.

This whole situation is baffling especially regarding the secret wedding. What a ridiculous concept. It's no wonder it's causing people involved to feel anxious & stressed. In addition to this I wouldn't attend a wedding where my DH wasn't invited & neither would he if I wasn't invited,even more so if it was a family wedding.

I think you all behaved poorly here and your SIL is irrelevant.
He should have told you as soon as his sister decided on her wedding plans.
You also shouldn’t have nagged him in front of everyone. In hindsight he should have just said that he would explain when you get home and you accept that and not continue to nag him front of the DC.
The yelling at you though is disgraceful and it sounds like his family are the freaks not the other way around.

I've read all your posts and I still think your husband is a fucking nutcase. Why didn't he just tell you about the wedding and ask you to keep it secret from his mum? How hard would that have been?

Instead of which he screams in your face like a lunatic and now the kids have been dragged into it. I hope one of them lets the cat out of the bag. How fucking dare he?

As for the wedding, it is a bit odd not to invite partners but since it's not just you that's excluded I would leave them to it. I think there are more pressing issues here to be honest.

You’re totally fixating on the wrong things too by the way. Your immediate concern shouldn’t be about not being invited to the wedding (that can come later)

Your concern should be

• Why DH kept secret wedding from you and assumed you would do childcare - you were well in your rights to ask
• Why he screamed at you in the car and aggressively screamed in your face
• Why he called your family freaks in front of your children
• Why he is minimising his behaviour
• What he is going to action to make sure he never acts like that again
• Properly apologising to you for his actions and being rude about your family
• Explaining to the children that he didn’t mean it and that it is not nice to use the word freak.

To be honest your husband sounds like a bully. Calling you family freaks,saying your BIL is boring and calling him Joe 90. He is just plain nasty and a rude pig.
You are married to a real catch there, honestly he is not even clever or original just a bore. I honestly don't know how you make excuses for him. I hope your kids don't turn out like him.

Op you’re not getting angry enough about his behaviour in the car. He needs to know that if he does anything like that again it’s over. It’s hugely damaging for your children and it’s abusive. Don’t minimise it.

He should have told you about the invitation as soon as he got it - at the very least to let you know he wouldn’t be around?! We have a rule - don’t accept invitations without checking the other parent is around. It’s not controlling to want the other parent to not assume you’re the default childcare. So you were 110% not being unreasonable asking what his mysterious plans were.

It’s very telling that you feel he doesn’t put you first. Your little family unit should be paramount. He doesn’t sound the nice guy you think he is.

I know - me too. There is some serious fucked up shit in his family & you’re much better off out of it. Both he & his sister sound like nasty pieces of work & I’d stay well away from both of them.

I have been musing about this and I wonder....

You know that if people scream accusations about you, its usually actually what they think about themselves? Well I cant help thinking that he has always thought his family was perfect but now he has to face the fact that they are not. He thinks that what his sister is doing is wrong, that she should at least invite their mother and therefore, by his own definition, his family are "freaks".

Is it possible that his odd behaviour is because he is stressed and unhappy about it in some level?

You are not married to a nice man. He should not be screaming in your face. Ever.

And now he's 'bored' of you going on about it? I bet he is.

It is weird. It’s divisive . SIL sounds like a right spoiled madam, not even telling her own mother. Not inviting your siblings long term partners to your wedding is weird. I’d take great pleasure in going on holiday on the wedding day and showing zero interest, no congratulations, only husbands name on any gift . Your wedding doesn’t mean you get to insult/ hurt others.

The children only found out about the wedding when the OP insisted her husband tell her in front of them. They were not keeping any secrets from their mother. They just had to not mention a wedding to granny, they didn’t have to lie about it just not talk about it which would have been easier if the OP had had more patience and faith in her husband rather than treating him like an employee. It is just a wedding. Everyone over reacted.

I’d feel a bit rejected if I didn’t receive an invite but ultimately would be accepting of it. I absolutely wouldn’t be accepting of my partner actively getting my children to collude in keeping secrets though, especially given that it’s widely recognised that you should never encourage children to keep secrets because of the implications for safeguarding.

Edited to add I would be even more furious about my husband being verbally abusive to me in front of my kids and modelling this behaviour.

Why are so many people ignoring his disgusting behaviour towards you?? His sister’s wedding is irrelevant compared to what he did and in front of your children too. You have a DH problem, he sounds like he needs to get some help.

He made your children keep secrets from you and then screamed on your face about it?

I think there must be other things going on here that you aren't seeing because that behaviour is nuts.

I think the wedding is a red herring

He doesn’t sound very nice, about you OR your family. The shouting may be a one off, but the fact that he reacts like he does about seeing your family is actually really sad

No, I've been with the same partner for 38 years.

If he said "he's not available" and nothing else, my take would be that there was something he had to do that he wasn't comfortable mentioning in front of that particular audience (his wife's sister and BIL). If it was something he could easily talk about, I'd know.

I certainly wouldn't have pushed it repeatedly than had another prod when in the car with our children. I'd have talked to him about it when we didn't have an audience as clearly there was something going on.

That's very strange! I'd certainly be pissed if my DH kept secrets and yelled at me because of his secrecy / mysterious behaviour over the holiday - very odd behaviour! I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot more to this odd wedding