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Original poster

Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

407 replies

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 16:52

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

OP posts:
RecklessGoddess · 22/03/2025 04:45

Screaming in my face, is how my ex-husband started and continued the verbal and emotional abuse I put up with for 18yrs. He was a narcissistic gaslighter, and even though I split up with him in 2007, I still have not been in a relationship since, because it's screwed my head up, when it comes to men now. Please don't let it get like that for you, it also affects your kids, as it has mine too. 🫂🫂

DeadSpace3 · 22/03/2025 04:24

Unlisted · 22/03/2025 00:19

I don’t make him come every time, I ask him to come sometimes, it is only my BiL’s company that he finds difficult.

I don’t know why she is organising her wedding like this. DH’s other sister is very upset but her husband isn’t bothered. DH’s brother doesn’t have a partner but his 15 year old daughter will be going over with them.

DH doesn’t feel that it is his business how other people organise their weddings. He is utterly fed up of me talking about it. I don’t think he knows the answers to my questions in any case.

TBH, I think your DH is a twat. There's absolutely no call for him being so dismissive of you. That behaviour indicates a total lack of respect.

HoppingPavlova · 22/03/2025 01:49

@Nonrienderien We can have our different opinions on this. I asked my DH how he would feel if his sister invited him to her wedding without inviting me. His answer didn't surprise me when he said firstly that would never happen in my family & secondly if it did I wouldn't attend. I feel the same

That’s great. If you base life on drama llama stuff then go for it. I wouldn’t blink twice, and would happily be at home on the couch in pj’s, get myself a lovely Thai home delivery and be watching Netflix. All while having a nice bottle of champers. When DH got home, I’d genuinely hoped he would have had a nice time. Because I am a mature grown up and don’t belong to the race of the perpetually offended seeking to cause drama. And, yes, this has happened, it’s not how I would act as a hypothetical.

Girlsjustwannahavefunno1 · 22/03/2025 00:59

Then stop asking about the wedding ...not your circus not your monkeys and add
dress him being a massive twat in the car ,however hard that is..if he'd have spoken to me like that in front of my kid I would have read him the riot act when the kids were out of earshot , he wouldn't have any balls left .

Original poster
Unlisted · 22/03/2025 00:19

I don’t make him come every time, I ask him to come sometimes, it is only my BiL’s company that he finds difficult.

I don’t know why she is organising her wedding like this. DH’s other sister is very upset but her husband isn’t bothered. DH’s brother doesn’t have a partner but his 15 year old daughter will be going over with them.

DH doesn’t feel that it is his business how other people organise their weddings. He is utterly fed up of me talking about it. I don’t think he knows the answers to my questions in any case.

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 22/03/2025 00:09

Why did they need to keep it a secret from the mum for a while?! For what purpose. And not inviting spouses to a wedding is bizarre.
Does he actually want to go if you can’t go? Hasn’t he asked his sister why?

rrrrrreatt · 22/03/2025 00:08

Your sister in law can organise her wedding any way she wants, your husband is the issue here.

Making him go every time isn’t fair, he married you not your family. I don’t like the long car journey to visit my husband’s family on the weekend and he finds my loud massive family a bit much so we compromise and always go together to important events but are otherwise flexible. Taking the pressure off means we probably see each other’s family more as it’s a choice not a chore.

Your husband keeping a secret from you is weird though, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that when there’s no need. He could have told you and not the kids.

Buffs · 21/03/2025 23:55

I think it’s reasonable that he doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with your family and it’s fair enough no partners are invited to his sister’s wedding however screaming in your face and calling you freaks is not acceptable.

Original poster
Unlisted · 21/03/2025 23:53

I have been married for nearly 10 years and known him for 13.

He has never behaved like this before. He has apologised to me and our children, who to be fair seemed unfazed by it. I am not minimising his atypical behaviour, it was horrible.

I am not going to divorce him over it.

Neither of us are enmeshed with our families. He doesn’t spend half the week with them, he simply pops in on the way back from picking up kids.

I do see his family but my relationship with them isn’t important to him but his relationship with mine is important to me.

His mother is invited to her daughter’s wedding but they wanted it to be a secret until nearer the time.

My DH is annoyed that I think he lied, he feels that he kept a confidence which he feels doesn’t affect me.

I remain very upset that I am not going to the wedding.

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 21/03/2025 23:27

Missingpop · 21/03/2025 19:05

I’m sorry love but your husband is a spineless dickhead & his family are a bunch of freaks!! Who arranged a a wedding & doesn’t invite their Sil & brothers children & keeps the wedding a secret surprise for their own mother….AFREAK does not a sane woman I’d be bloody raging at my husband for playing his part in this charade & he’d be paying a bloody high price too; darling sister in law well she’d get a slice of my mind too & I would not be asking my children to lie for her why should they be deceiving their grandma go on your holiday with your sister & I’d be hoping it pisses with rain all day on her wedding day vindictive yes but cleansing for the soul too

All this because she wants a small wedding?

TheHerboriste · 21/03/2025 22:38

Pinkissmart · 21/03/2025 21:00

God, OP, your husband is awful.
I could never, ever get past being treated like that.

Please don't think you deserve this just because you asked why he wasn't available. It isn't normal for a husband to behave this way, and now he's trying to explain his way out of it.

She didn’t just ask whether he was available.

Pinkissmart · 21/03/2025 21:00

God, OP, your husband is awful.
I could never, ever get past being treated like that.

Please don't think you deserve this just because you asked why he wasn't available. It isn't normal for a husband to behave this way, and now he's trying to explain his way out of it.

MustWeDoThis · 21/03/2025 20:47

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 18:22

I thought my initial post was long enough but I wanted to talk about my DH and our relationship in but now I don’t think anyone will believe me!

I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

He genuinely never raises his voice. This incident was completely atypical and he has apologised. It was so atypical and that is why I am in a state of shock.

I admit totally and take responsibility for keeping asking him why he couldn’t join us. I admit I asked him again in the car.

I am so angry about the children and keeping secrets. He says he was asked to keep a secret so did. He says the kids are intelligent enough to differentiate between good and bad ones

I admit I keep asking him questions about what I am supposed to say to his sister, he just keeps saying it’s not his wedding and why would I need to speak to her anyway.

He feels it’s just not his doing and just cannot understand what my problem is with him.

I cannot move on or think about anything else.

...it's like you're victimising and gaslighting yourself, so you don't have to admit you married someone nasty with no respect for your family and doesn't care if you're a part of his. You can use all of the excuses you like - What would you tell your own kids if their partner treated them like this? I sincerely hope you don't tell them to defend their abusive partner. You deserve better.

MustWeDoThis · 21/03/2025 20:43

Unlisted · 20/03/2025 16:52

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

I'm sorry, but I would have kicked him out for doing that. That was abusive, intimidating behaviour toward you, his wife, and in front of your innocent children.

Your children don't stand a chance in hell at being decent, well mannered teens and adults with him around.

Dogsbreath7 · 21/03/2025 20:37

IberianBird · 20/03/2025 17:08

The screaming in your face is completely unacceptable, I would not stand for that.
The wedding invite, or lack of, is so-so. No other partners are being invited so it's not personal, sounds like a small wedding? Weird that his mum doesn't know....

lits of family dynamics here. The SIL is entitled to have whatever wedding she wants. The ‘DH’ is not allowed to lie to his wife and verbally abuse her especially so in front of the kids.

DH family and HIM do not respect you. I won’t be the one to say get rid but you really need to question the family dynamic here starting with mummy boy spending 3 nights week with his parents and not you, taking his Dc and not you.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 21/03/2025 19:57

He sounds like a nasty ignorant little man.
Leave him and his family to it. Focus on yours. Don’t let him treat you like that again.

carrotsandtomatoes · 21/03/2025 19:43

OP it’s not the wedding he needs to explain. It’s his completely uncharacteristic screaming in your face and calling your family names.

that sounds like rage. Pent up rage filled venom. He needs to talk about this

croydon15 · 21/03/2025 19:30

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VivienneBL · 21/03/2025 19:23

Its weird that partners aren’t invited to the wedding , but ok up to her but the worst part if putting your husband in a situation where he has lied to his wife, kids and mother! I don’t get it . If she had to make that decision for whatever reason, she could have done it in a much more reasonable way.
Thats disgraceful behaviour from your husband and I would insist on anger management. However -and this is not an excuse- he must feel under a lot of pressure and pulled in so many directions . None of which allows him to do that , especially in front of the kids.

Celebratethesun2020 · 21/03/2025 19:06

Your husband pulled over and screamed in your face?! Nah. In front of your kids? Absolutely no. Throw him back

Missingpop · 21/03/2025 19:05

I’m sorry love but your husband is a spineless dickhead & his family are a bunch of freaks!! Who arranged a a wedding & doesn’t invite their Sil & brothers children & keeps the wedding a secret surprise for their own mother….AFREAK does not a sane woman I’d be bloody raging at my husband for playing his part in this charade & he’d be paying a bloody high price too; darling sister in law well she’d get a slice of my mind too & I would not be asking my children to lie for her why should they be deceiving their grandma go on your holiday with your sister & I’d be hoping it pisses with rain all day on her wedding day vindictive yes but cleansing for the soul too

justuskul · 21/03/2025 18:56

Thulpelly · 20/03/2025 17:26

My DH would tell me. And he also would be hurt I wasn’t invited.

Show quote history

This! We come as one

Crazyworldmum · 21/03/2025 18:34

You husband is a walking red flag

Weald56 · 21/03/2025 18:14

TheHerboriste · 21/03/2025 18:09

It's not a contest, for god's sake. How immature.

If one loved one's spouse, one would make things easier for them, not more difficult. He didn't decide the terms of the wedding invitation.

Show quote history

He decided how he'd respond, then kept it quiet (because he knew it would upset his wife), then committed an assault (shouting in someone's face putting them in fear is a legal assault) in front of the young children...plenty of red flags.

TheHerboriste · 21/03/2025 18:09

Weald56 · 21/03/2025 18:05

Lots of red flags there. I'd get the locks changed if he actually goes to the wedding - having told him in advance, of course. Make him choose who matters most to him - at the moment it's not his wife or children.

It's not a contest, for god's sake. How immature.

If one loved one's spouse, one would make things easier for them, not more difficult. He didn't decide the terms of the wedding invitation.