Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

But there are secrets and secrets. This is a secret because the SIL knows it will cause upset. That's not an appropriate secret to keep.

Absolutely. This is so monumentally rude. The secrecy is incredibly inappropriate. If she just wants her siblings there - be open and say so. Do n't hide it if you are happy with your choice.

I’m really sorry but sounds to me that your husband has no respect for you. Fair enough that people can invite who they like to a wedding but for him to keep this secret from you is a major red flag. His aggressive outburst in front of the kids is outrageous. I don’t think he should be forced to see your family all the time but I do think each partner should make an effort with each other’s families. This is a sign of love and respect, even if the in-laws are boring. This man sounds like a child who is not fully invested in his relationship.

Married doesn’t mean mind-melded. He and his siblings are fine to keep information private between them.

Being married does not mean you have to share secrets about other people with your spouse. Being married is not carte blanche to gossip

OP, please, wake up. An outburst like that speaks volumes of internalised and withheld negative feelings. Shouting in your face, withholding, bullying and silent treatment are all forms of abuse. An apology is not going to cut it. At the age of 5 a child is not old enough to understand, they don't know how to process that and it will stay with them.
Your SiL should not have asked your DH to keep it a secret from you and, he should never have agreed to - YOU'RE MARRIED! It is wholly reasonable for you to be upset. If you're concerned about something DH should be your safe space to discuss that and vice versa. Get couples counselling. You need it. I speak from a place of experience of a very similar relationship, where like you, I was in denial, until I had a breakdown.

So the siblings never kept it from their partners?!?

in your shoes I’d let it go now!… go on holiday and forget about the wedding!!… think about the money you’ll save not having to buy yourself and the kids outfits, having hair done etc…. And with that go away with the kids .. have a lovely time and don’t give the wedding anymore thought…

Wow!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
As others have said. The lack of invite is a bit weird… BUT not unheard of… presuming the wedding is VERY small I’d probably feel relieved!
I wouldn’t take him to your families again.. he clearly doesn’t like them and I’d just take the kids… I wouldn’t even invite him…. I’d holiday with your family without him too!!
As for him screaming in your face, I wouldn’t let that go… and doing it in front of the children… and making you cry.. again I wouldn’t let this go lightly!
I also HATE when people tell people to keep secrets… from their spouses… then it comes back to bite the secret keeper in the arse … in this case your DH…
my ex MIL told my ex H to keep it a secret that his aunt had dementia…. Then bit my head off when I said it was funny we’d had 2 Christmas cards from her!!! Caused a huge row as he scolded me for saying it was funny because she had ‘fkn dementia’…. I reacted back saying how the bloody hell would I know that!!! He then announced his mam had said not to tell ‘anyone!’…. Really pisses me off… who was I even going to tell (we live 300 miles away from all his family)
I think your SIL can invite who she likes, but asking your DH not to tell you something is bang out of order! And him shouting in your face is a boundary crossed …. It’s up to you now where your relationship goes from here! He’s an arse calling your family freaks though!

The flipside of that is his sister is - you said - very upset about not being able to bring her partner so why is your DH not upset on your behalf?

Because he doesn’t think it’s that big a deal?

This is a fair point to be honest. You are away on your hols anyway

My DH has said nothing to her. His other sister has but her husband doesn’t care ( so my DH doesn’t understand why I do).

The flipside of that is his sister is - you said - very upset about not being able to bring her partner so why is your DH not upset on your behalf? Also, his sister seems to have not agreed to keep the wedding a secret from her partner, so why didn't he similarly prioritise your relationship?

Yes, that’s a bit weird. If the OP isn’t invited, obviously she’ll be looking after her own children, same as I am this weekend as DH is away.

I think you need to drop it with your OH now OP you’ve asked about it, he doesn’t have the answers you want but that’s not his fault.
Going on and on about it is just going to do his head in.
You haven’t been singled out, other partners aren’t invited either, it’s clearly a very small wedding and the SIL and groom are well within their rights to do that. It’s their day not yours. You’re taking something that isn’t personal personally.
the screaming in your face is not good, so deal with that separately, but you need to move on from this.

As for the wedding, hope he’s organised childcare if your kids aren’t invited or will that fall on you?

Yes, God forbid a mother should look after her own children.

It doesn't seem like you make any effort with his family so I don't understand why you're surprised or disappointed that you're uninvited. When someone's paying for a wedding of course they want their nearest and dearest around them

As for the wedding, hope he’s organised childcare if your kids aren’t invited or will that fall on you

Well, no, as they will be on holiday with their mum, auntie and uncle, won’t they?

Your husband sounds vile. I don’t care how much you defend him, I’m not buying it.
Why has he called your family freaks? Nasty, spiteful and said deliberately to hurt you. In front of your kids.
Lied to you about his sisters wedding. Doesn’t give a shit that you’re upset about it.
he sounds horrible cold and uncaring:

He said nothing but agreed not to tell his own wife? When exactly was he planning on telling you? I’d tell him you’re away that day so I hope he’s bringing the kids to the wedding.

He won’t want to join you and the ‘freaks’ on the heavily discounted holidays then will he? The audacity of him to use them for such discounts when that’s his thoughts towards them. He can pay full price next time!

As for the wedding, hope he’s organised childcare if your kids aren’t invited or will that fall on you? Assumed childcare so he can slink off to enjoy himself without as much as a thought to you or your feelings.

I know you said you wouldn’t divorce him but seriously his behaviour is disgusting.

Abusive. Actually abusive.

I agree.
Your Sis and Bill are doing your family a huge favour... I'm assuming these are breaks rather than a full on summer holiday... I bet he doesn't have a problem with the price.

Your BIL doesn't sound offensive, If your DH had a problem with it.. why is he only saying something about it now? Because its a good excuse to counter his own family's behaviour and put you in your place... well your family are freaks- that's why?
I doubt that your family are so outlandish that he cannot manage the occasional get together or a heavily discounted family break.

And yes. As your partner he ought to turn up to the occasional family event if he wants to make you happy, which he should.. why should you suddenly have to start going as a singleton with your kids when you are not? What example does that set. That you are not a team?

Let the sister get on with her plans and just put it to the back of your mind. I wouldn't want to go on those terms anyway.

But as everyone else says.. He doesn't get to refuse to talk about the extreme shouting reaction. The keeping a secret from you so that you cannot make plans with the children and if he'd simply told you then it wouldn't have been such an issue. Doesn't he trust you to keep the "secret" or was he just hoping for an easier life? Either way its a lack of respect. And appears to have caused a massive rift between you.
The co - opting your kids into the "secret" so that they may have to hide things or lie to the grandmother is when a sensible parent should be saying, enough's enough. But he isn't is he? And lets not forget. He's the one who spilled the beans in front of the kids. Not you. I suggest you make sure the kids are not now put in the position of having to lie to their grandmother.

But to not even inform her about the wedding is not right. Why didn’t her husband tell her when he got the invite? Why keep it all a secret?

I can’t believe all the mumsnetters excusing the self-centred SIL. She has caused upset in the family by excluding her siblings partners for what does not sound like a very small wedding. I can’t stand all these modern bridezillas who think they must get everything their way and to hell with everyone else. She’s made it clear where you are on her priorities list, she’s best ignored and everything to do with her mean spirited wedding ignored too

Is it possible you weren’t told because it was anticipated that you’d cause a fuss about not being invited?

Reading between the lines they don’t like your family and they’ve chosen the wedding they want. However his unhinged behaviour , even though he’s stressed, is concerning. He’s obviously not happy OP. Sounds like you’ve a lot to work on