Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

Was he not going to tell you?

Why doesn't his mum know yet?

He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them.
That is quite a lot, but not abnormally so for close families

I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.
I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough.
So he doesn't pressure you to see his family, but you pressure him to see yours. That is unreasonable of you. You should just accept it if he doesn't want to see your family.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet [your sister and BIL] at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.
Why would you keep asking him in front of your sister and BIL? That was very insensitive of you. You should have accepted his first answer, with a mental note to yourself to discuss it with him in private later.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm
With hindsight it was not the best idea to bring it up in front of the kids, but you weren't to know he was going to explode.

and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids
Totally out of order. No matter how frustrated or fed up he was, there is absolutely no excuse for doing this, let alone in front of the children

he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!
I am not invited (neither are the other partners).
There is no issue with you not being invited. That is entirely his sister's choice (along with her fiancé).
There was no need to call your family freaks. He needs to explain and apologise to you for doing this.

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,
But you don't go and see them. Do you simply mean that you haven't fallen out with them? It is surprising not to be invited to a wedding as a couple, as it is not the norm, but something you just have to accept and not take personally.

I was crying my eyes out
A bit of an overreaction on your part to his shouting, but I can understand being upset at the shock of his behaviour. No need to cry over the wedding.

he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.
Totally out of order of him to expect his children to keep family secrets. He should have said to you that he would discuss it with you later without the children present.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!
You don't need any explanation about the wedding - not your business. Just accept it and don't take it personally.

You do need an apology for him shouting, but you have to accept your part in pushing him in front of your DS and BIL which would have stressed him.

Well now he’s screamed out the secret in front of the children it seems quite likely the MIL will be finding out sooner rather than later.

All most odd but you know that already.

The regular communication sounds like the OP telling her husband what he's doing. He isn't allowed to opt out of visits to her family and extended family holidays and probably felt really awkward when the OP kept grilling him in front of her family rather than thinking "he's obviously got another commitment he doesn't want to discuss in front of everyone I will ask him later when we are alone" The OP decided to ask him again in front of the children in the car knowing it was something he didn't want to discuss in public. He could have said "I'll tell you later when the children are in bed" but would the OP have let that settle or kept on at him in front of the children?

Yes your husband is being enmeshed in your family and going along with it relentlessly. Give him a break. Maybe step back from being enmeshed with your own family too a bit. You need time with your own children in front of you as a couple. It is very stifling on marriage or relationship to have so much outer family involvement. You are measuring your family beliefs or standards against his. The lack of invitation is not personal dislike....they are trying to keep a secret from the Mum

So he clearly can’t stand your family, is pissed off about enforced socialising, is going to his sister’s secret wedding, and lost his shit with you and screamed at you in front of your children…

Do you get on even a bit? This sounds awful from start to finish. As does your hounding him in front of other people about his plans, in fairness.

He sounds bloody awful OP. Just out of curiosity, at what point in time was he planning on telling you anyway? I'm going to guess that he hadn't just found out in the course of the visit with your family on Sunday. Why was he concealing the wedding until you essentially forced him to tell you? Does he do any other similar stupid tricks like this?

It is absolutely weird af that you aren't invited to your dh's sister's wedding and he has kept it a secret. What other secrets does he have?!

He sounds awful as does his family. Who mocks others for being boring? They all sound up their own arses I'd LTB tbh.

This.

Well you can’t really press anyone for more information, he’s right it isn’t anything to do with him and it’s incredibly rude to ask his sister particularly when the answer is clear - only siblings and no partners are attending.

As for the scene with your DH, it sounds crazy but it strikes me that it hasn’t come from nowhere surely? Is this how you regularly communicate?

Also not telling his wife that the wedding was happening and she wasn’t invited. Privately.

So he handled it badly but you keep forcing him to socialise with your family, when he said he wasn't avaliable you went on and on no matter how many times he said he wasn't avaliable - you made the situation embarrassing. Then in the car you went at him again and he flipped.

He isn't solely to blame here. It's like you badger him into doing what you want

You’re upset about the wrong thing.

I think you need to accept that you contributed to your own embarrassment by pushing for an answer that wasn’t forthcoming in front of other people, and I can see why your DH was annoyed but his reaction was disgraceful.

The wedding set up sounds fairly odd in its entirety but not a personal slight towards you.

Your husbands behaviour on the other hand, what on earth is that about? Why would he behave like that? That is what would bother me the most, here.

What the fuck?! Is he actually a toddler, why would he scream in your face? Has he done this before?

Your husband is a massive twat. Screaming in your face in the car and in front of your children is a disgrace. It’s like you are a big problem him treating you like that. He must have sounded like a right nutter.
Honestly, I would be kicking him out for that and I wouldn’t be making my children watch their words around their grandmother.

Your DH is horrible and it’s not surprising his family are too.

you are not a freak. He is.

Him screaming in your face and calling your family freaks is shocking behaviour, and to me it would be pretty much unforgivable. Once you've seen/heard that then you can never unseen/unhear it.

Why the fuck couldn't he have just explained quietly to you what was actually happening instead of assuming that you were both psychic and stupid?

I know one case where a mother is not being invited to her daughter's wedding and is pissed off about it. Isn't even being told exactly when it is. The mother concerned though is a very nasty piece of work though, so I can totally see why she is not invited. So this sort of thing does happen.

Back to your DH now though, and I am thinking that this could be a deal-breaker for me. I'm not sure I could ever trust him to react in a reasonable manner again. It was disgraceful behaviour, especially in front of the children. 😲😠

@Unlisted so his sister is getting married and her mother doesnt know??? that itself is freaky!! and none of the in laws are invited??? who are the so called freaks again??? However, his remark about your family being a bunch of freaks and yelling in your face is not ever acceptable!!! I think I might be really spiteful and phone his mother to ask why you are not invited to the wedding of the year (that she doesnt even know about)!!!!!

@Thulpelly he'd tell you someone else's secret in front of your family? Would you really keep asking him in front of people instead of waiting until you're alone?

Your DH is an arsehole.

All families have boring/ different/ nothing in common with your spouse members but so long as they are nice people and are not rude, as a spouse you suck it up for the sake of your partner.

Your DH does not. Maybe they don't like him too, because he is a dickhead.

Quite frankly I would be getting very annoyed at the disrespect and bad mouthing of my relatives and my DH would be getting his balls twisted in a vice.

Ignoring his sister not inviting you to her wedding....which is a red herring

his behaviour is OUTRAGEOUS on about 4 different levels.

Your DH is the problem here his treatment of you (whatever his bizarre internal logic) is totally unacceptable

Why is your aibu about the SIL wedding rather than the fact that your husband keeps secrets from you, is rude about your family, and screams in your face and calls you names for asking a perfectly normal question? That's what would concern me

My DH would tell me. And he also would be hurt I wasn’t invited.

Your SIL not inviting you IS shit, despite the insistence on here that ‘people can invite who they want to their wedding’.

Your husband, I have no words..

1. The lie 2. Screaming at you 3. Trying to act like your family is weird for acting like a family