Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

It’s tragic that their are children involved in this horror show

I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

I dread to think what your version of an unhappy marriage is

Fucking hell OP, I’d be running from that man.

He has lied, he’s making his kids lie, he screamed in your face, he called your family freaks and his dad makes fun of your relative.

No thanks. He’s a prick.

At what point was he planning on telling you what he was doing over Easter? When he put his suit on? When he got back from his mysterious event?
It’s a bank holiday weekend - many (most?) families hang out together in some form. How was he just going to slip out for the day?
Does his mother know about her daughter’s wedding or is it just the guest list that is a secret?
Weird.

The only part of this story that is of relevance in terms of what you do going forwards is the evidence that your husband is vile. I would split with him. He’s not a kind person.

Two seperate issues. Sounds like you want him to be overly enmeshed/invested in your own family when he really doesn't want to be. It seems as though you aren't getting that memo and you just keep on prodding him. Secondly, he has been asked to keep this weird and explosive secret which has caused him enormous stress and emotional turmoil. In my opinion understandably. He must have been dreading you finding out and, by the sounds of it, his own mother! In that moment the two things conflated and he exploded.

He could have just as easily said he had a family commitment with his family that week. Repeatedly asking the question doesn't warrant his reaction. I'm glad it's out of character. I wonder if he is passed off about being put in this position or that your not invited and took it out on you. Whatever the weather, he can't and should justify his behaviour.

With the sister. I wouldn't comment on the wedding at all until she announces it. Then a quick congratulations is sufficient. You weren't invited so I wouldn't buy a gift. Your H can dovthat of his own back.

The his family aren't freaks like yours would make me question exactly how he feels about your family.

No, I disagree, you can take respect for family’s boundaries too far.

I do agree with this comment. It also does look as if he puts his family first before his wife and children and that's sad.

Something isn’t right about this wedding and it sounds like his family dynamics are a bit odd.

He shouldn’t have screamed at you but it did sound like you you were a dog with a bone. It’s good to respect when people don’t want to talk about something.

Not being invited is one thing I know people who have only invited very close family to their wedding but keeping it a secret is very strange , why not be honest and tell the rest of the family what they are doing? and your husband's reaction to you was completely unacceptable.
If anything it sounds as though your husband's family are the odd ones not yours!

I’d have text my DW telling her about it before they’d even finished telling me. I don’t keep any secrets from her and I would never even try and sneak to a secret family event and not tell her until after.

And if we were making plans and she said she was away somewhere but couldnt say and where she was going that would be so unusual for us that I’d genuinely not be able to stop asking.

I suppose everyone’s different but my wife is my core relationship. We see family together normally. I wouldn’t be happy if she wasn’t invited to a family wedding but that’s not on the husband. But his reaction is unacceptable regardless of any of that

Well, not wanting to excuse his behaviour at all, but is it possible that he is embarrassed/angry/confused about his sister's decision and her requirement he keep it all a big secret? And your constant questioning just pushed him over the edge? What you say to his sister is not the issue here, though. I suggest you simply ignore the wedding completely where she is concerned. In your position, given you normally have a good relationship, I would suggest maybe telling him you understand it is not his decision nor his wedding, but that it is out of order for her to expect him to keep secrets from his wife and children. It was inevitable this would come out and he was out of order for having agreed to keep these secrets. And then maybe tell him that you are not going to discuss the wedding with his sister or any of his family but that you want to have a proper, calm discussion about both your and his feelings when this issue is not quite so raw. Perhaps acknowledge that he has apologised for his outburst and that you accept his apology (if you do) but that does not remove the need to discuss the wider issues this has brought up around family secrecy.

A genuine nice man isn’t someone who simply never raises his voice. There’s more to it than that.

I think his whole relationship with both his and your families is really weird.

Sounds like there’s got to be some huge back story tbh.

His not fussed at all about you visiting in or being invited to his family stuff where as you basically force him to attend at least once a month.

Hounding him seriously. You don't talk to your husband about future plans or are you single?

Other people is their children. Has the rules in marriages change to you can't ask me anything about plans or else I shout in your face. Is it the new normal?

This is what the op said "On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available." So she shouldn't ask what other plans he has during the Easter break. Families do spend time together during the holidays. There's no secrets between me and my dp and we're not even married but we have 4 lovely children.

There are multiple different issues here

Him not liking your BIL and not wanting to spend lots of time with your family - while i can see its awkward for you that's fair enough. Spending time with someone you don't like 12 times a year and occasionally going on holiday with them is a lot and it's not unreasonable for him to ask if he has to go. Ideally he wouldn't have done it in front of the kids but I think you should take some responsibility for clearly allowing this resentment to build up by making him see your family so often and shutting him down whenever he wanted to discuss it. Three or four times a year is more than enough for wider family gettogether, if you want to go more often that's fine but you don't all have to go en masse to everything.

However you not being invited to your SIls wedding is weird
Keeping it a secret from you (and his mother???) is weird
Calling your family freaks for wanting to spend time together (independent of the wanting him to always come along) is weird and rude
And screaming it in your face is aggressive.

Some of that I'd be happy to sit down and discuss and negotiate how often we saw each side of the family going forward
but I'd want an apology for the screaming and insults before anything else. Also to accept that for most people the norm is definitely to invite long term partners/spouses to family weddings so regardless of anything else HIS family are the weird ones or at least outliers in that respect.

Your husband seems to have his focus with the wrong family.

I would expect my husband to be spending most of his time with me and our family rather than hanging out with his family several times per week without you. You and the kids are supposed to be his main family now, not his family of origin.

Also, it would be a huge issue to me if my husband thought it was okay to keep secrets from me. Just because his sister or anyone else told him to keep something from you, his wife, doesn't mean he should or that he needs to follow her orders. You're trying to make family plans and he thinks he can assume you'll take the kids alone and that can refuse to even tell you what his other plans are? No! You two share a life.

Then he screams in your face for daring to not let him get by with disregarding you like this. Acting as if you're out of line to not accept his acting like he's single and free to do whatever he wants without your input or knowledge. Screaming in front of the kids when his obnoxious demands don't fly.

I think you should tell him to move in with his family, since that's clearly where his allegience, loyalty and interest lie.

Other possibility: His whole weird, rageful "confession" is a lie.

What does money have to do with it?

His behaviour was out of order. That said, if none of the other partners is being invited then you are not personally being singled out. It is all very peculiar.

This.

Although you shouldn't 'make' him do anything. Discuss it and decide what's a reasonable compromise in terms of how often he sees your family.

What happened was unacceptable but what I suspect is that his sister is in he wrong, he knows it and hasn’t dealt with it. He’s gone along with it and when you’re pushed him on it he’s lost the plot.

I get the feeling that he KNOWS his own family is odd. The catalyst being the wedding and being sworn to secrecy about it. So when probed, he exploded, all the while knowing how daft the whole scenario is.

He shouldn't have had a go at you. He was angry more at his daft family than you I'd say.

But if he has form, get to the bottom of it. You did say that he was kind and mild mannered, so this is giving him a lot of anger at how ludicrous it is.

He’s sees his mother multiple times a week.
Hes asked to visit your family once a month.
He’s happy enough to enjoy discounted holidays.
He hasn’t told you about his Easter plans and got angry when you asked.
He screams in your face.
somehow this is all your fault?

He’s a prick.