Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

I'm afraid that I think that you partly to blame because you don't seem able to pick up on social cues in that you repeatedly ask him about the poposed holiday, don't recieve an answer and at no point does it occur to you that the reason he's not answering is because it's not something to be discussed in front of other people. As for your husband, he sounds really stressed - keeping that big a secret from his mother is huge and there's no way she's going to forgive him. He must feel he's between a rock and a hard place. Never the less, the fact that I understand how stressed he must be doesn't mean that I think his screaming at you is acceptable but at least he's acknowledged he was unreasonable and apologised. Two more things, he clearly doesn't enjoy spending so much time with your family so stop pushing him to do so and, finally, it's not your wedding and you're not the only inlaw who's not invited so grow up and accept that the sister in law gets to decide who her guests are.

A df who asks dc to keep secrets isn't a good df...
A dh who screams at his dw isn't a good dh...
Hope that clarifies things.
You need to ltb. He isn't a good guy at all.
And send mil an anonymous note...... Let the fucker deal with that..

So was he going to lie to you on the day of the wedding too?!

Youre his wife. My husband would have told me in minutes if his sister pulled something like this! And why isn’t she telling their mum?! Doesn’t sound like it’s your family who’s the freaks!

@Unlisted Is your MIL invited to the wedding?

I think it’s very hurtful and divisive that the SIL is not inviting the partners of her siblings. Weddings are family events - instead of insulting people and causing friction between her siblings partners she should have eloped. Not telling her mum is another example of a self centred madam. I’d accept you are not going and DH is but I’d show zero interest in her wedding and go very low contact with her.

Well you are clearly determined to focus on the wrong thing. Your SIL doesn’t want to invite partners to her wedding. That’s down to her and her fiancé, nothing to do with DH. I agree with him there’s no point going on about it.

His appalling behaviour is what you should be addressing.

My comment was that it seems remarkably self-involved not to consider the effect that asking your siblings to keep your wedding secret from their own mother (the bride's mother!) and their own partners might have on those relationships. What does money have to do with that?

This is bizarre. Husband sounds crazy. Keeping secrets from you & then screaming in your face. It's hard to believe he is normally a good guy.

That is very strange and so is your husband's behavior.

The issue here is your dh and my marriage would be over if dh consistently put his family over and above us. The red lines I have about loyalty, respect and prioritising your dh/dw would not stand for this.

Dh and I in this situation would both decline politely and send a gift, we have never and will never let other people divide us or cause arguments. A marriage will not survive repeated body blows of this nature. If he can’t have your back fully he is not worth keeping.

SIL wedding big or small is irrelevant.

So your SIL and your DH are the adults in the room. They get to decide who can be trusted with news of this momentous occasion and you and MIL cannot be trusted to contain themselves with the information. What did they think you were going to do?

But His absence during the Easter holidays affects you and your children too. He could have just said "she's having a small wedding so its siblings only, no partners" and that would have been more than enough information to let you make your own plans.

Now the kids are expected to keep this secret from their Grandmother too.

What he's basically saying now is.. I've made my executive decision and there will be no further discussion.
Awful.

I think they are a happy family. MiL would be a bit over excited about this wedding but not so interfering to warrant this!

So why do you think they are keeping it secret from MIL?

Your DH screaming a you like that was awful. That is the only thing wrong, there's nothing wrong with him not wanting to spend a lot of time with your family, not being bothered about you seeing his or his sister having an intimate wedding. I wonder if his outburst was built up stress as he was worried about telling you and scared about your reaction, you clearly find his family dynamics weird because they are different to yours.

If it is genuinely completely out of character is it possible the pressure of keeping something that big a secret just caused him to crack? It’s absolutely absurd that he attempted to keep that a secret from you. If they really are keeping it so small then I’d not worry about not being invited, provided other partners weren’t either. I would however be absolutely furious that my husband had kept such a big secret from me. It is completely unreasonable that he was expected to keep such a secret and they should never have asked. Unless you’re known for being a massive blabber mouth in which case he didn’t really have a choice and that’s something you need to consider.

He really is not a 'really nice guy' . He sounds a bully and a knob.

I think the SIL wedding is Iranian Yogurt here (to use a Reddit term…)

The problem is not her or her wedding, as it’s unlikely you expect her to prioritise you over who own mother who doesn’t know. It’s 100% your husband.

@Unlisted I have a happy marriage to a really nice guy.

No, you really don't.

Bit weird though isn’t it? Not inviting your brother’s wife? The mother of his children. Understandly if they had been dating a few months but they’re married with kids. Even if OP’s SIL had as many as four siblings, that’s four extra people, that’s if they are all in relationships.

It’s very divisive - it’s inevitable there’s going to be a fallout.

It's weirder he kept it secret than his sister is having a teeny immediate family only wedding

So he is dismissing you too?

He could have simply told you she was getting married and partners weren’t invited. It’s the choices he has made, repeated choices, that are the problem. Don’t accept this. He’s lied to you and screamed at you and called you a freak in front of your kids. And now he is shrugging it off. It’s unacceptable.

Will MIL be told at all then?

It does sound as if you are making too much of it though.

Partners aren't invited.

What can he say?

It's not up to him.

Do you think he should decline because you aren't invited?

DH is bored of talking about it all and can’t see what I am fussing about.

Maybe stop going on about it then? What do you want him to say? It’s not his decision it’s his sisters. No partners were invited, you haven’t been singled out. You don’t really like to spend time with his family, his sister wants a very intimate wedding with people she feels close to. It’s not that outlandish.

So mil is invited when the time comes just its a secret so she cant get over involved in the planning of a small intimate wedding.

Money often has a lot to do with capping wedding numbers and OP presumably isn’t paying for the wedding so she doesn’t get to complain that she isn’t invited.