Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

Sounds like SIL had a strict budget.

Still, it’s really hurtful that you weren’t included after knowing her for years and sharing holidays, etc.

What’s going on with DP? The screaming at you makes me think something else is up with him. It’s such an overreaction that I’d be suspicious that he’s keeping something else from you like he’s in trouble at work, or mentally checking out of the marriage.

Well your DH and his family sound weird. I would give them a wide berth and not allowing my kids to see them either if they make them keep secrets from their mother. I would not be upset about the wedding though tbh. There are quite a few family weddings on DHs side I would be more than happy getting out of. I also wouldn’t be making him have a relationship with your family if he isn’t bothered especially if he calls you freaks. Unpleasant man.

Wow, what a weird shambles. I think given everything you have said about your relationship and this anomalous behaviour, your DH knows deep down it’s wrong and is feeling guilty and pressured about it. At the very least, we should have been open with you as soon as he found out from SIL. Ultimately, it’s probably going to fracture your relationship with SIL forever, but that’s her choice. As for DH, hopefully a lesson learned not to keep things from you and never to talk to you again like that.

I would say nothing more.

However, I’m petty. So I would think this coming year would be the best time for a fantastic anniversary party, plus birthday celebrations for the children. I’d have beautiful invites printed and then happily hand them out to SiL, making it clear that her very new husband would not be getting an invitation with her.

I’m sure at that point, when she is on the receiving end of such shitty behaviour, she will realise the hurt it causes.

I am all for a small wedding, but I would not invite people without their partners, especially if they are family. It is the height of bad manners in my opinion and the lack of self-awareness when people do this is astounding. I can assure you she would not like her new husband excluded from family events going on in the future, particularly to do with her brother, so I would go out of my way to make sure she never receives a plus one again. What goes around comes around after all.

As for your husband, he’s a jerk. If my husband’s brother was getting married and did not invite me, I know what my husband‘s response would be. It would be ‘oh well have a great time’. There is no way he would go without me.

Firstly...he likely exploded because he knows this is a problem and so it's been building up for him. Which is also why he has lashed out and called your family freaks Unfortunately it's just a symptom of an underlying problem. His orginal family, parents and siblings is his priority not the one he has created with you.
This never ends well, he won't change, he won't suddenly realise it's not normal he will make your family look odd because his dynamic with his family is different (most are... its the intorance to the differences that are the issues).
Marriage to someone who doesn't put you first isn't worth anything. You deserve more. Throw him back.

Presumably he would at some point, if he didn't know she'd be away with her sister he would have realised that she'd probably have noticed him getting dressed up in his best suit and disappearing for the day.

I thought it was a secret until her mother is told?

Kids can be very perceptive. This could be a blow-up that they knew would happen sooner or later. OP sounds like quite a nagger, so the kids have been subject to her going on and on harping on a topic before.

I notice OP walked back on her description of her husband's visits with her family. She started off by implying that it was very frequent, but now says "I don’t make him come every time, I ask him to come sometimes".

One of my BILs is quite an unpleasant person. Not evil or cruel, just very annoyingly loud, a braggart and overrules everyone else. There was a time when he would come every Saturday with a bag of take-out, even if we already told him that we were going out for lunch. Finally, I lost my temper. I didn't yell. I just told him that the next time he ignored our wishes, I was throwing the food straight into the trash bin. It didn't help that the food he bought was usually horrible. OP sounds like my BIL as in she can't accept that the rest of the world is not there to cater to her wishes. She is not invited. She has her own holiday plans for the same time period. Even if she were invited, would she give up her holiday with her family? To me, I think she would then be complaining here that her SIL did not plan a wedding that took into account her availability. Main character syndrome?

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. The lack of invitation to the wedding is the least of your worries from what I can see. Your husband’s behaviour is appalling. To shout at you like that, especially in front of the children, and to talk about your family in the way that he did is inexcusable.

That’s insane. He’s not keeping vital information a secret! It’s someone else’s wedding!

I get that - and 99 times out of 100, you wouldn’t even need to tell your wife, because she’d be invited too. But if you have specifically been asked to keep it a secret, it’s not like it would be a major betrayal to do so. You’re not keeping infidelity or serious illness or the parentage of your child a secret. Is not knowing your SIL’s wedding plans a real dealbreaker?

His family are the freaks

If there were this lack of communication and sharing between a couple, I'd really question what the marriage means at all.

To be fair @HellDorado, it’s a family wedding not a random colleagues.

Why not? Why does OP need to know her husband has been invited to a wedding?

Wedding invitations and lying to your wife is not ‘private thoughts and private conversations’

Exactly.

None of the entire situation is the OP’s business. The husband has a right to private thoughts and private conversations with his siblings.

No, sorry, I meant it wouldn’t be a secret in the first place. It wouldn’t get to this point!

It's a secret because SIL knows people will be weird about it
And as OP still won't just let it go, it's obvious why DH kept it from her

Still doesn't mean "you are married and must share other people's secrets" is a thing either

does it seem obvious to you he’d have told her?

He obviously hasn't told her because his sister doesn't want their mother to know just yet, so they are trying to keep it as under wraps as possible for now. Based on OPs reaction to the news where she can't stop thinking about it and hassling him about wanting to talk about it and ask questions and get involved and talk to the sister, he probably decided it would be better for her to not actually know about it until she absolutely had to.

It seems quite obvious that he was going to tell her about, but he wasn't going to tell her until he got the green light from his sister that their mum had been told.

I'd be disappointed if my DH kept something like this from me, but if I couldn't handle the news or definitely keep my mouth shut I'd understand why he wouldn't want to burden me with keeping it secret until it was absolutely necessary.

He had a wedding. That is supposed to establish a bond of trust with his wife
as well as make her his nearest family member. If weddings are significant then his should matter. If weddings are not significant then why does he want to go to this secret one and his wife should now his vows were not important to him.

While it is undoubtedly weird for someone to get married and not invite their siblings partners/spouses, that is SIL's prerogative and i doubt it's something your husband has any input in.

I'd find it hurtful and bizarre too but would have to respect her wishes. The secrecy is also strange - did she ask him not to tell you? There is no way my DH would keep that from me.

The main problem in your post though is your husbands sudden outburst. That was completely unacceptable, especially infront of your child.
I'd have a hard time forgiving that.

A wedding is no reason to betray a trust.

This is about a wedding. If he thinks my sister getting married is really important but the woman I married not only shouldn’t be going but I shouldn’t even tell her about it, then he doesn’t think his wife is worth any respect. Which would be a deal breaker for me.