To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

I would really set some ground rules before you agree to anyone coming next time. People need to be doing their own dishes, be considerate and pick after themselves, be quiet before or after a certain time....whatever you deem suitable. Tell them you'd love to have them and you enjoy them staying over but things are getting out of hand and they would really help you out by doing this, this, and this. If they are quite direct and outspoken, then you need to be too.

I think it's lovely that your family loves visiting and they feel at home in your house. Its nice to see relatives wanting to spend time with each other, but they should be treating your house with respect. Set some ground rules and stand your ground in a loving but firm way. This doesn't need to be a huge deal.

F this. Invite yourself to theirs. Why do they all descend at once? I’d be making myself unavailable ongoing

it is your house!
why are they treating you like a doormat?
be firm
if they dont like it they can lump it, and find some other mug

Ideally, you'd put down ground rules from early on. It's hard to break habits, but not impossible. Here are my suggestions -

Chores rota

Ask them to bring their own bedding / lasagne for Fri dinner

Be a bit less available when they want to visit

Ask guests to empty dishwasher and clean

If you find crap lying around and it's in your way, "tidy" it away into supermarket bags for life, so it's out your way and just a bit inconvenient for them

Key tip = don't be a martyr. Learn to feel comfortable standing up for yourself

How to relax and embrace it? In the nicest possible way, fuck that! They are not respecting you or your home and there is nothing uptight about feeling unhappy about that! This is YOUR HOUSE! You call the shots. Tell the messy inconsiderate buggers where to go!

Set your boundary, it's perfectly reasonable, and then let them feel whatever they feel about it. There are definite elements of codependency/people pleasing in what you've posted. You're trying to control their feelings and make them like you and hurting yourself in the process.

If they want to sulk, that's their choice. It's fine. It's just sulking.
If your nephews call them out, tell them it's your house and they're being rude, and let them feel bad about it. It's fine. They can cope with feeling a bit ashamed of themselves, can't they?
It's OK to tell them you're unhappy about the mess. It's OK for them to not like it.
They aren't bothered about your feelings. Maybe you should be less bothered about theirs.

Don't be afraid to state your boundaries. It's OK. It really is. And it's important for your wellbeing. Otherwise this will just go on and on and you will get more and more resentful.

Get your big girl boots on and start setting boundaries. If they get offended, that’s their problem, and if they don’t like what you say, they can find somewhere ended to stay. Must towns have travel lodges/premier inns etc nowadays…

Why should you keep them happy, when they’re not keeping you happy?

It's all of their turns to host for the next few decades. Don't invite them to your house, if they invite themselves just decline.

I would love the visits but I would make a list of house rules:

• Every family buy groceries once a week
• Roster for cooking
• Roster for daily cleaning

Of course, they shouldn't make noise the early risers or the people who sleep late.

If they don't want to follow your rules then it's fine to go.

Stop inviting these people. It's a lot easier to cease having them in the house than to change their behaviour once they are there. If they are offended, tough.

You sound absolutely lovely and while I'm sure you love all your family dearly, they are taking the piss.
I would suggest stepping back from hosting for a while. Doesn't have to be a big deal or a dramatic statement- you're too tired this time, having some work done on the house, dates don't suit... just extend your hosting-free time incrementally while you get some space and distance from them and regroup.
Then think about it - do you miss them? How can you do it differently? What new boundaries do you want in place before you resume?
I think there's probably enough love and goodwill on both sides to change this. But you must change it before the resentment builds up and blows things big time.
Good luck. 🌻

Read Mel Robbins book ‘Let them’ and learn from her how to say no.

DH is from this kind of family - I really don’t know how people survive it. He survived by moving far away to a city with a ‘small’ (to my in laws) house so we don’t get lumbered but my poor SIL is like you (I don’t descend on her because I would hate someone to do that to me, but the rest of DH’s family do!).

You sound amazing and I’m sure you have created fabulous memories for your family but you really need to call a family meeting and set boundaries.

Next time they all try to descend on you say "no, we're not doing it like that again, it's too exhausting".

People who "call you out" for setting perfectly reasonable boundaries are abusive fuckers (or their parents are for allowing it).

If they only love you when you are a subservient doormat, I'm afraid they don't actually love you.

No is a one word sentence. You don't have to put up with this.

Next time they organise something, just say no to it being at yours