To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

So if they wake the whole house up ( on a work /school day too) and you dare to say to them that you don't appreciate it... you are starting arguments.

Seriously. They are taking the absolute mick.

They sound very ungrateful and quite rude particularly when they are calling you uptight. Do they contribute financially or do you pay for everything?

They are all taking you and your hospitality for granted. Do they ever do anything nice for you and your family or is it all very one-sided?

Why did it cause a row when you asked the family member to keep their kid quiet? Did they think they should be allowed to disturb people?

Why are they visiting? Is it at holiday times or for special occasions? Is it just assumed you will host them. There was a thread on here at Christmas where someone broke the hosting cycle by booking a holiday at Christmas.

I think you are being unrealistic in thinking you can (or anybody could) just chill out and enjoy this.

Its just not possible.

The fact is you (and your kids) have too much on your plate already without hosting the family hoard who are “on holiday”.

They are NOT visiting you. They are using your home like a holiday home and you are their personal housekeeper/childcare.

Thats not what people do when visiting relatives.

When my family congregate at my home (similar situation re: space) they all pitch in and do everything they can to make their visit not just enjoyable for them but for me also.

I think your family have lost sight of the fact that they have as much responsibility to you to make their stay enjoyable and pleasant as you feel you do for them.

It’s a very one sided and unfair arrangement where you are also being gaslighted into thinking you are being “uptight” and unreasonable about them behaving really inconsiderately.

I think a pp’s suggestion is good, especially as you are in GCSE season to use this as a catalyst for change.

Yes they can visit, but not for weeks. They can come at the weekends but need to book accommodation elsewhere during the working week.

I think you also need to reflect on the fact that whilst you may love your family they aren’t treating you very kindly at all.

“Not having them round” is an option you know. You can set firm boundaries that suit you and your DC. They come first. The rest of your family sound like that they are taking advantage of your good nature. Learn to say no. Don’t worry about the fall out - your needs trump theirs.

they absolutely don't give a shit about their behaviour or about your GCSE child.

Please stand up to them for your kid's sake.

We had visitors who arrived weekly on school nights. It was so disruptive. They didn't even appreciate it.

Do they even contribute to the cost of feeding several families.. Are you cooking for them all the time too?

Stop pandering to these freeloaders. Just say "I'd love to see you all but you can't stay here any more. I cannot afford the high cost of paying for you all for several weeks. I am working full time with four kids and its too exhausting to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning or babysitting for several other familes on top of work. I've been very generous so far, but its become too much and I am not willing to do this in future. Also if I politely ask a visiting child not to do something IN MY HOUSE, I don't want to be chastised by his parents!
Here's a list of local B and Bs. Love OP,.

“I have definitely let bad habits sneak in and set a precedent.”

Its ok to say “…look you’re welcome to come on x date but all the hosting is getting too much now what with x, y, z going on and I’m going to have to ask you to pitch in when you’re here. Earn you keep so to speak (tinkly laugh)… You’ll need to reign devil child in because we can’t have half the household up. Emma and Sam are doing gcse work and they need their sleep. And I can’t do all the cooking and shopping, people will have to help. Ok? We love having you but it’s all getting too much now…”

I have the kids going to school/clubs, work and this time the extra joy of GCSEs to juggle with a bunch of people who are cracking open the wine and settling in for a late one.

if you can't say no for you surely you can say no for kid going though exams for some period of time.

Tell them to get an air b and b - or hotel room - at very least till exams are done. If you've asked and they can't be considerate - then don't host.

If they call you out, call them back out. ‘I said no. It’s too exhausting’
‘are you a toddler, stop sulking’

You need to discuss this with them. It’s understandable that they are in holiday mode but you are in work and life mode and this is your home. If they come for 2 weeks they can do hotel stay and have two weekends staying at yours with everyone, but realistically having so many people there at once for the entire time while you’re working is not fair or reasonable.

You also have to do so much because everyone is enjoying themselves and you’re exhausted. So. You either need to limit the time they are at yours, they can take turns, or they can be on much better behaviour and not treat your home like a hotel.

I still think having them stay at a hotel for the majority with set times they do stay at yours. IE - everyone is welcome to stay for 5 set days and in those days you will host and do everything as a family. The rest of the time they have to find their own accommodation and take care of themselves.

If these relatives have the money for long air flights then how come there is no money for a hotel? What would they do if you had no spare rooms? What would happen if you suggested that they booked holiday accommodation next time and you can meet up together? They save a bit of money and you get annoyed and stressed.

We have this to a degree as I have US relatives and live in a desirable part of UK plus they come to visit my aging DPs.

I am afraid I don't really know what the answer is as I too would love to be relaxed and hospitable for extended visits, but instead become a seething mass of resentment, counting down the nights until they leave.

Can you try to impose some really basic house rules ? Shoes off at the front door, no noise before 7 or after 10. Get a bit more thick skinned ? If your nephew was doing something in your house that warranted a telling off, then go ahead and do it. It sounds like your relatives are relaxing and enjoying themselves which is great, but they should recognise that this is a lot of work for you.

Or can you get DP/DH to play bad cop. DH has put his foot down for more than a couple of nights together with some particularly tricky visitors.

Time to just stop inviting them/ say no when they invite themselves/ only have a small group (2-4) off people at a time for a duration that suits you. You need to make it clear that this is your house and you have a job. If they want a holiday they book a holiday home. If they get huffy then they are selfish people who were just using you. People who only like you when you do things their way are people you are better without, or seeing less of if they are extended family.

The comment that struck me OP was when you said they come through the door and “it’s party time”.

This is really the crux of the problem.

They arrive in holiday mode and view your house like a rented AirB&B, complete with catering, maid and baby siting services included.

Which is why you are “uptight” when you are not in the same “zone” as them.

The thing is, it’s not a holiday rental. It’s your home and you are not their personal skivvy whilst also working/parenting your own children.

To a degree you have made a rod for your own back by not pushing back sooner, so it’s well overdue to spell out some home truths and ground rules.

As a start point I think you need to think about what you are prepared to “offer” in respect of these visits and importantly what you are not.

So for example, a place to stay, access to laundry facilities, use of the kitchen etc is all fine.

What you will not be doing is buying food for them for two weeks, baby sitting, running around tidying up after them.

It is perfectly reasonable to say that whilst you want them to visit, you can no longer manage their expectations and that something has to give.

That means them re-setting their perception of what staying with you means - it’s not a holiday let and if that’s what they want then they need to book that for some or all of their visit.

Staying with you means respecting your home and the fact that you are NOT on holiday, nor are you there to facilitate their vacation.

In practical terms that means keeping the house tidy on a day to day basis. Keeping belongings in their rooms and not dumped everywhere. Coats/shoes put away. Washing their bed linen and making beds before they leave.

Buying their own food (and frankly in their position I’d be cooking for you as a thanks for letting me stay, especially if you are working).

Finally, no baby sitting and being respectful around morning/bedtimes especially during the week when people are working.

You need to break the habit they (and you) have fallen into. Staying at someone’s home and being “on holiday” are actually very different propositions and they need to be reminded of that.

I'll go against the grain here and say if you value your family being around you may have to suck up the inconvenience. It is tiring and annoying but perhaps the price you pay for a family that loves you and wants to see you? Trying to institute rules can be more hassle than it's worth - you spend so much time worrying about them and enforcing them that nothing is gained. Perhaps just accept there will be chaos for a certain amount of time and just enjoy their presence? At some point people will stop coming, due to life changes and death. It's at that point you may miss their muddy boots and their early morning noise.

If that seems too unbearable, is there someone whose help you can enlist - someone who you can talk to about the stress of hosting who could maybe help you out? They could subtly remind people to tidy.

One thing I would lay down the law on is babysitting - it isn't acceptable for people to get drunk and expect you to parent for them.

They are using and abusing your good nature, your people pleaser side

Stand firm on your house rules, if they dont like it, theres the door
Yes they are family, but they also have to show you respect as a guest in your house. They dont have any ownership to it just cos your related or traveled long haul

Id get petty AF and buy paper cups and plates, throw away cutlery since they dont want to help with basic group living stuff like dishes
Muddy shoes thrown outside
Kitchen is closed until xyz time, tv is not to go on before xyz time and hide remotes so early risers have no real excuse to get up - turn off rule when its time for house to get quiet
Your not the default babysitter - say no if you have other plans or its too much or say fine pay me
They chip in for food or just you feed your kids and you

Disrespect plus using and abusing our good nature in our home is part reason we went NC with MIL only a week ago.

Time to say it’s becoming too much with working full time and hosting. It sounds like you do still want family to come but in order for that to continue you will need to set some ground rules:
Chores and cooking rota
No leaving stuff around in common areas
Quiet times
And above all: it’s your house so what you say goes!

If other people don’t like that then they can find other accommodation. Don’t be a doormat!

Personally I’d move to a smaller house but that is just me !

when you don’t have any visitors write up a list of ground rules. Rotas, where coats live, who needs to buy what food, what time people can get up and be noisy.

cut and paste into ChatGPT and ask it make the rules succinct and non aggressively worded.

refine until you have some lovely house rules.

send around to your family saying ‘these are my expectations, no worries if you don’t want to keep to them, here is a link to air b and b.

print them and stick them to your fridge

ignore any comments about the rules, just say ‘if you don’t like it, then you don’t have to come here’ and smile beautifully.

you are being a doormat and people are being rude to you. Don’t let them !

Presumably these are planned visits, if they’re coming from some distance away? What happens if you say “No, we can’t have you that weekend, we’ve got other plans”?