To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

YABU to think you should embrace this.
YABU to hesitate to upset them.

Tell them all the hotel is closed for business and let them fry.

"you know I love having you, but we're in a different phase of life now, with the kids GCSEs and so on. While you're in holiday mode, we still have to go to work, the kids really have to get stuck into studying, and we will need our sleep. So I'm going to have to introduce some house rules at this point, which I hope you understand..."

Then set your 'no noise after (whatever time)' and keeping the place tidy ("please keep your clutter within your rooms") times etc etc

I thoroughly recommend the book. It’s brilliant and I’m from a large family. Has really helped.

Not having them round is not an option- I have the space and for various reasons other family members can’t host (health difficulties, small houses and some family coming from abroad). It does make sense to congregate at ours.

You need to change your mindset OP. Not only do your guests sound rude, entitled and exhausting, but they do have other choices. What would be the solution if you lived a tiny flat, I’m sure they would find a hotel or rental property,
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The world won’t end if you say no

Well if you can’t say no or tell them your boundaries, you’ll just have to carry on as you are? What’s the alternative? Only you can change this.

I think I would write everyone an email saying that you love having them but it is exhausting hosting such a large group while also working and in order to continue you would either have to limit it to 3 days or agree some ground rules and job sharing. I would then say that we must agree some ground rules if people are staying - no noise or stuff happening in common areas after 11pm on weekdays or before 7am (or whatever hours you keep) as it is a working household still, a rota for cooking, cleaning dishes, hoovering and general clearing up, shoes off policy in the house etc… Make it clear that while you are hosting that things should be divided in the same way as you would a holiday rental with food bills split and chores shared.

My inlaws are a little grumbly that we invite them for 3 days but invite my relatives and friends for a week - different cultures or upbringing I think as my family and friends pitch in clearing up, doing dishes, eat whatever is going (including left overs or frozen batch cooked meals, take away etc) and we usually eat out at least once. My mum will watch my kid for me and let me get things done so it’s really nice when she visits. His family expect us to make every cup of tea (even when I was trying to breastfeed a small baby), expect home cooked meals every night to their very specific requirements and will not eat any vegetarian food when my partner is veggie so we have to have two meals in for every night! It is exhausting! I love hosting but not when people treat it like a guesthouse and you as staff.

Who pays for these nice little jolly’s? The food the booze the electricity etc not you I hope; what effect is this having on your children? Their school work? Social lives etc & what is it doing to you & your home if your working & then coming home to chaos it must be a living nightmare & the wear & tear on your home the appliances on the go so much etc you need to to learn to say no to people im pretty sure you don’t have welcome tattooed over your forehead & so your not a doormat so stop letting people treat you like one say NO!!

Could you say that you really didn't want to worry them before (because you knew that they were the type of people that would worry so much about you) but you have to give in and admit now that you can't cope and hopefully they won't worry too much about too because you would feel so bad about that.

I absolutely love the thought of this and being the party/family house. I wish I had that. Don't wreck it.its a precious thing. but people need to pull their weight so tell your siblings how you feel. If people are treating your home like theirs they should pull their weight on the tidying/cooking/shopping front.

Not having them round is not an option- I have the space and for various reasons other family members can’t host (health difficulties, small houses and some family coming from abroad). It does make sense to congregate at ours

So what's wrong with an AirB&B, so they can sleep at whatever times they want, cook at least some of their own meals and congregate at yours just for the "social" bit?

I was a bit "Hmmm" at reading they're "forthright" but also "easily offended", and unfortunately it's a well worn path with some who expect that directness will only go one way
It doesn't, so in your place I'd get some boundaries in place without delay

Also, when you say you can’t talk to family about it, why not? I’d be honest that you are not willing to host because people leave your place a tip and you spend the whole time running around after them whilst they take you for granted and it’s a nightmare.

Personally rather than house rules, I’d be suggesting booking a holiday home for the duration for you all to stay in / visit. If this would be too expensive or otherwise not work, well what would you all do if you lived in a small house too? Whatever the solution would be, do that!

As you get older, this type of visit will get harder. Regardless of whether they take offence or not, try putting them off at least once so they know your hiuse doesn't have an ooen door policy. I know you enjoy seeing them but they only argue with you when you mention things because they know how to play you. This is not fair on you, you're not running a hotel and these are not paying hotel guests expecting maid service. Set some boundaries and speak up, if it upsets them, it shouldn't be for long if they love and respect you. If not, then your feelings for your family aren't reciprocated.

My MIL finally threw her toys out the pram about hosting at 85. That's been interesting. SIL is 50 going on 15 did step up but her family are the source of 70% of the work. Her family are decidedly pink/blue jobs so whilst the men were getting medals for a single DIY task, all the ladies were multi tasking.

My BIL has a new wife with very firm boundaries, when she hosts we get detailed instructions about what we're expected to bring food and bedding wise. I don't mind. Clearly it costs them in cleaning and some food and yet is also done with a grudging penny pinching undertone. I think one great meal rather than six would be better hosting.

Mostly I think I'm just too old to cope with this malarkey. I want my own bed. BIL has a poor quality holiday let that we've all stayed in twice. It feels wrong critiquing family but it's also a painful, slightly too long stay.

I think ideally I'd like just brief encounters with a smaller number of people. Less.overlap, but more quality time rather than quantity per visit.

My kids would like it if it was shorter, these weekends seem to need a lot of parenting, then debrief.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

No, no, no. Why should you? I am so cross on your behalf.

Your relatives are selfish, inconsiderate and downright rude and ungrateful. If they cannot see for themselves how badly they are behaving maybe they need it pointing out to them.

I think it's time you did lose your rag at them a bit. Something on the lines of "I love you all and like to see you but am utterly fed up to the back teeth of the way you all behave at my house and show no respect or regard for my home and my family."

Isn't there any one in the whole lot of them who has an inkling of how to behave decently and who might weigh in on your behalf?

Agree with this.

This basically!! You can’t change their behaviour, you can only change yours.

you dont want to have the difficult conversation with them & you don’t want to tell them to get back in their boxes when they are so incredibly discourteous & rude to you.

I’m not sure how you expect change to happen?

I wonder if it's the kids normal so they know no different and your DH fine as he thinks it makes you happy?

Honestly - I'd used exams as initial excuse and try and get them to book somewhere - and see if you can set up a new normal.

YABU. You're complaining but have 0 intention of doing anything about it so you're bringing the misery on yourself at this point.

Devils advocate though; your family abroad could rent an Airbnb locally for two weeks, no? And people could stay with them, including you?

I suspect it may be more about saving money. Do they pay their way with food and drink etc?

I also end up hosting a lot, which on the one hand I like (seems easier in some regards) and the other hand I hate (mess and chaos).

I think you need to encourage people to leave the house as much as possible. Have a reset time each day, “hey everyone, can we spend the next 20mins getting everything squared away? Right kids, you’re in toy clean up, adults, who can help me with the kitchen?”.

My family always help me keep on top of the house, I’m surprised yours are happy to just sit around letting you do it all, that doesn’t come across as thoughtful or appreciative to me.

So I'm now 50 and run out of energy for this sort of thing.
Local friends don't need to hosting over night and are much more fun, come with less baggage. I was neglecting them, exhausted after extended overnight stays. And we never went away ourselves, it was just stay home and host.
All the novels I read with house parties and extended summers also have an absolute army of staff as part of the house. That is not my life. My friends meet their families at purpose built holiday places or at restaurants.
We're extending and I'm limiting the amount of bedrooms. I don't want to run a boarding house.

The only behaviour you can change here is yours. Stop being a doormat seething with unexpressed resentment.

Do you have doormat or mug branded on your forehead?

I have a similar family set up in that we love spending time together and we’re dispersed overseas but there is respect and gratitude -none of this free for all, rude, ungrateful behaviour!

"my family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight"

@bonnemaman1990 OP, I feel angry for you. You can't be that uptight if your home is homebase to your extended family. This is your home, and you are not a skivvy. Could you go away somewhere for a week just to chill, and send them all a text that you would like your house back to relax in? Do the rest of the clan have a key? If so, I would change the locks and only have visits by invitation only. You sound so nice, how are you at being firm and even angry?