DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

When it comes to DIY, I'm really good at sourcing materials and making tea & sandwiches for those doing the actual work. I might occasionally help out if there was no other helper (paid or unpaid) available but not very often especially now I've got arthritis in my hands and knees. And no way would I help anyone who yelled at me for not doing it properly.

I would help my DH build a shed but that's MY husband, not yours, because mine is patient, good humoured and competent. It's actually nice building fences and the like with him because he doesn't get snide or snappy.

A shed such as you describe IS going to be very expensive, there's no way round that. We got two sheds for our garden - a shed for me for my gardening tools and storage, and a garden office for him. In both cases we opted for having the suppliers construct them because frankly we didn't fancy it. We had two concrete bases laid, which wasn't cheap either (and that was 2017/18 so cheaper than it would be now). DH's has electricity laid on to his which involves wiring from the distribution board in the house and running through armoured cable to the bottom of the garden. That's an additional expense. It's insulated with double glazed windows and doors - not cheap. To add bespoke fittings inside will be more and will need to be worked out, has he drawn up plans of what he wants?

Personally I think if he wants this extent of bespokeness, he's going to be paying through the nose anyway. He would be better off getting the main structure installed by the professionals (not he and his wife!) and do all the tweaks he wants inside himself. There'll be enough work in that on its own!

He knows I’d be more of a hindrance than a help

What kind of and size shed is he buying?! We bought an 8' x 6' shiplap shed for our garden from a shed specialist and it cost around £1,000, including delivery and building! We did already have an appropriate hardstanding, so if you need a bigger one, then that will cost more, but you could probably get a handyman to do that for cheaper than a shed company.

I am 59 and would happily help build the shed. I would however look to see if there was anything off the peg that you could get- with pre built walls etc, and then look to customize it with insulation etc

I'd tell him no, you're not helping him with a custom made shed as you don't work well together and you kind of want to still carry on liking him.

Then get taxis from the garage if he's a petty fucker.

I would help my DH, regardless of age if I could.

Tell him that on reflection, you don't actually WANT a shed. So if he still does, he'll need to either do it HIMSELF or find a friend to help.

To show willing, you could tell him you'll be his tea lady and cook him and his mate lunch on his shed-building days.

The alternative is to do some male-style weaponised incompetence and be so bad at helping that you're a hindrance. But that would mean you tolerating arguments and bad feeling.

why couldn't a 60 year old build a shed? I mean, I get that OP doesn’t want to, but why do you think it’s something to laugh at that someone could?

OP I’m with you ,I could think of nothing worse than building a shed .I don’t think my husband would even ask me he would get one of my son in laws or even oldest grandson to help.Before anyone jumps on I love my husband and we’re very happy together.

I think that if you can paint a room and move furniture around then you can help him build a shed. Personally I would love to help out with that, especially if it meant being outside during this sunny weather. But if you don't want to, you don't want to.

Of course she doesn't have to say yes. She has arthritis in her hands which makes holding heavy stuff painful. He doesn't need such an expensive state of the art shed. He could buy a self-assembly shed that he could manage to assemble on his own.

OP is still working so she is bringing money into the household, unlike her younger DH who has retired.

Personally, I would buy a cheap shed along the lines of the design that he is after - erect that and then build around it! Surely it wouldn't hurt you to help with the first erection project - he could then create his own version using the first shed as 'insulation' and incorporate electrical wiring between the two. He would have the first shed to anchor the new timber work on to.

I think he's totally U. If the shed is solely for him he needs to sort it all. I might be willing to hold a post for him whilst he screwed a frame together but any shouting and I'd be walking away and leaving it to him.

But it sounds to me like there are bigger issues. I love gardening but I certainly don't expect my DH to get involved in it. He cuts the grass (mostly because the lawnmower is a big petrol thing and because he wants us to keep the grass) and maybe carries a bag of compost round for me and that's it.

I would argue that 15 hours a week does not constitute a heavy workload that precludes you from other projects.

But working stuff out on your own...does that even include your spouse? My family isn't huge, but it certainly wouldn't be an unusual expectation to have people muck in together.

Of course he shouldn't be yelling at you while you do it, but I do wonder by your description whether you resent helping, so are a bit slapdash/get this done, wobble things around etc whereas he is used to things being done properly and taking care. You not paying attention or trying because deep down you don't think you should have to help him would be hugely frustrating.

Do you have any health issues? I ask because at 60 most people are working full time, active etc. Hell, my 79 year old dad would happily still build a shed or help us build one, and I can only imagine the reaction of any of my sisters-in-law if I implied that in their 60ies they should be considered incapable of doing things like this.

If he needs a second pair of hands and can't find one and it saves £7k I think you have to say yes. :(

Obvs decline any lifting that might harm or hurt you.

Any family that could help? Or ask for a volunteer helper on a local FB page?

You've ignored the fact that OP has said that she has arthritis in her hands and lumber pain which she doesn't want to make worse. She is also still working while her DH, although younger than OP, has already retired to pursue his own interests. I assume that if her DH was still working, he could probably afford to pay his carpenter friend to erect the shed without expecting OP to be his labourer.

Just say no...

Me and my dh built a shed together, just after lockdown. I wouldn't advise anyone puts themselves through it 😆

We never really argue. Our one and only big argument - the building of said shed. We now have a wonky shed as it left me flouncing off and (after 4 days of not speaking) shouting stating that I had always wanted the front to be wonky and I had always wanted the roof not to meet in the middle.

It's still a bone of contention. The front of the shed is still wonky and the roof still doesn't meet in the middle. We now use it to put our garden furniture in as rain gets in. Nobody wants to go near the bloody shed 🤣

OP, I'm 40 and I wouldn't do it. DO NOT do it, hundreds of hours of free labour is ridiculous of him to expect of you, especially as you're working and it will impact your arthritis and back. Book in to a yoga or pottery painting or whatever it is you like class, and ignore him.

You say: 'I'm not continuing this discussion with you, you have my answer. I don't mind what you do with the shed, you can buy a pre-fabricated one or hire in help to build it, it's entirely your choice and I leave it up to you.'

You are not being unreasonable. Does your DH know about the arthritis in your hands and that doing what he is suggesting would cause you pain and discomfort? If he does know, he is being very selfish. If he doesn't know, please tell him.

not ridiculous as you being completely intransient.

I can put myself in a petty person's shoes - and i believe he is probably petty? - because i can be extremely petty myself.

So why not discuss the shed, outline what help you are prepared to give and let him decide what he is going to do?

You're all "no no nno I'm an ancient decrepit old crone i won't do it". And he is all "I want to build the custom shed and you have to help me". Either there is compromise or not, but what do YOU think will happen when you say "no" finally? And would you expect him just to help you out with stuff endlessly when you said "no"?

Up to you, but i think you need to look into yourself. Are you now just being stubborn for the sake of it?

Hundreds of hours? You’re being ridiculous now.

I wouldn’t want to help either. But I would. Because we are a team and DP does such a lot for me and us.

Im 57 by the way and consider myself to be a long way from decrepitude!

I'm a couple of years off 60, my DH a few years older than me.

I have a bad back and knees that don't work. DH knows and understands this. I will always help where I can, but I can't lift heavy stuff, or crawl around on the floor. He would never expect me to do this - I wouldn't be unable to function normally for a couple of weeks afterwards.

But if I can help, I absolutely do. If I can't help with the actual task, then I will take over whatever else needs doing - cooking laundry, tea making, shopping etc. That is what couples do!

Do you not have DCs/GCs? My DS would be straight in on a project like that!