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Original poster

DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

256 replies

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:41

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 20/03/2025 11:20

I'd put my coat on and hold up pieces of the shed. You work together as a team and this benefits you both. Sorry op yabu here

Starlight7080 · 20/03/2025 11:18

I'm in my 40s and that sounds like hell to me . And I enjoy small diy projects .
But building a custom shed needs people who know what they are doing and physically strong .
He needs to get more quotes or buy something more sensible that will be built on delivery. Like so many others who don't have an endless supply of free helpers do .
Driving you or picking you up does not compare to this

Getitwright · 20/03/2025 11:18

We have just taken out a one hundred and fifty year old, 30 metre run of mixed hedging, with huge stone boundaries, and replaced it with 30 metres of mostly bought in fencing panels, with some made to measure by us panels as well. My OH is in remission from cancer, has had a heart attack and I spend 50 % of my time caring for someone, unpaid. It was a project we designed, bought and carried out together, taking our time, helping each other, and we are simply so proud of what we have done together, and the money we have saved. A good few years older than you as well. I would say, give it a go together. We had great fun, saved thousands and it’s all exactly what we wanted. But the best bit was sharing doing it🥰

Original poster
Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 11:18

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/03/2025 10:36

I would argue that 15 hours a week does not constitute a heavy workload that precludes you from other projects.

I do have other projects including volunteering, an MA and most of the cooking, cleaning and housework. I don't ask him for assistance with my MA or voluntary work. He grows the veg and fruit, I cook or chop it as well as helping out in the garden for a couple of hours a week during the growing season. He puts his time into the garden, which is his dream, and his own interests.

We do have children but they live too far away to come over to help with DIY and, anyway, are busy with their own lives. They certainly wouldn't be available other than to help out say, one weekend.

To the person laughed at the idea of hundreds of hours spent building a shed: we'll have to start by emptying and dismantling the old shed (no small feat, it's 4m high at the apex) and getting the bits into a skip.

The current shed is built on piles. They'll need to be moved and disposed of, the soil dug out, hardcore located, transported and laid, shuttering built and then concrete poured to make a solid base.

A frame will need to be built and erected on a base: it needs to be precise because as you'll have read upthread there are dire consequences if it's not and you get a wobbly, leaky outcome.

Then the rafters, the roof lining and cladding, working up ladders. An insulated metal roof cut to precise size and fitted properly, windows and doors fitted, then external battening, lining out, cladding and guttering. It can take a day to fit a doorframe and a door properly, so it's plumb and doesn't leak, and this shed will have four doors.

Then the electrics, insulation inside and lining with marine ply. Flooring. And then fitting out with shelving and storage. And moving all the stuff back into it. After that it should be good for at least 20 years.

I think, if he does it on his own with help from me and perhaps the occasional day's bought-in labouring, it's going to take about ten weeks doing several hours most days. I think it's great that other people would be up for this: good on you. But it's never been something that I've been good at or particularly interested in or wanted to do. I've earned a good living over the years doing things I'm suited for and have enjoyed. I'm not suddenly going to turn into a builder's mate at this time of life.

OP posts:
Noperope · 20/03/2025 11:15

I'm younger and love DIY, but I point blank refused to help exdp because he was a rude twat would take his inadequacies frustrations out on me. Tell your husband to advertise on FB for a labourer for a few hours a day. People often do it on my local page and they get hundreds of replies.

anotherside · 20/03/2025 11:13

We got a lovely big strong shed approx 4m x 2.5m and well insulated for about 3k euros in Ireland last year. And Ireland is usually more expensive than the UK. Guaranteed for 10 years. That included installation and demolish and removal of old shed. Granted it’s not wired up, but couldn’t he just use battery lights/use it during the day? Or otherwise just get a shed installed and then get an electrician to wire it separately? £15k sounds insane.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 20/03/2025 11:13

Brefugee · 20/03/2025 10:07

I'm over 60 and (although with us it would likely be me wanting to build the shed) if my DH asked this i would help him

But i'd be looking around for more practical solutions, like semi-pre-fabricated sheds etc.

But if you don't want to, @Tripewriter - don't help him. But you should expect that in future he won't be driving behind you to the garage or any other things that he usually does. Ball is in your court.

Driving behind her and bringing her home from the garage then taking her later to pick her car up does not compare in the slightest to essentially labouring for him to build an outbuilding that is way beyond a shed, especially when he's being unkind to her at the same time.

I love a project, but I wouldn't be doing with someone shouting at me and telling me exercise is good for me and I'm not going fast enough for their liking!!

BeaAndBen · 20/03/2025 11:10

I’m riddled with poxy bloody arthritis but I help to the limits of my ability on projects like this. It’s companionable.

Seeline · 20/03/2025 11:10

If the shed (some 16' by 10') is to be built totally from scratch, that is going to involve more than a few hours of work!

OP - you work around 2 days/week. Your DH is retired.
Does he do any cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry etc or is he just playing with boys toys all the time?

Coffeeforayear · 20/03/2025 11:08

I'm only 55 and I wouldn't build a shed.
What's more I've never built a shed.
I've got a crappy old shed covered in ivy but it's good enough for Me!

AllotmentTime · 20/03/2025 11:07

Can you compromise? Will you be in less pain if it's done in warmer weather and for shorter periods at a time? If so I would want to suggest that you do it as a summer project and that you do eg two hours in the morning, two in the afternoon or whatever won't be painful, and no more than that.

If he's too unreasonable to negotiate and he would rather you be in pain than spend the money or find another solution, tell him where to go.

babyproblems · 20/03/2025 11:07

I’d kill for my DH to be this motivated at building a new shed 😂 having said that, I love DIY and I am more like your husband and my DH more like you!!!

I agree with him it’s nice to do these things as a couple. Aren’t you interested to learn about it all etc and get some new skills? If you really can’t face it and aren’t interested then you’ll have to find him a new buddy to help with it. I think you could say ‘look I’ll help but with a clear plan, only 2 hours at a time and I’m not taking any criticism!’ That’s fair enough. X

lemontova · 20/03/2025 11:06

This seems quite a common issue - not so much the reluctance to help on a job, but reluctance to help on a job that experience suggests is going to involve being shouted at because everything you do is wrong. Maybe offer up a few hours at the weekend when you can find the time to help on a job you didn't ever volunteer for and don't agree is even necessary but appreciate is important to him, and say from the outset that you are his partner not his staff, and if he can't control his temper then he will have to hire someone who is being paid to take it. I hate helping on diy jobs, much prefer to just do it my own self to be honest as then you can fuck it up however you want without any shouting. This thread is giving me minor ptsd from our last build.

bluegreygreen · 20/03/2025 11:05

OP, most couples want to do things together, and 60 isn't particularly old these days (significant illness aside).

What does stand out from your posts is your determination not to help at all, which is unusual.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out.

This struck me - forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but despite your ages are you a relatively 'new' couple? It sounds like something that would have been worked out over the years otherwise ...

Branster · 20/03/2025 11:03

I mean that's saving your household £15k for a few hours of work.

We always do projects together. Yes it can be frustrating at times for both of us but the end result is a good reward. However, I don't do any super heavy lifting, just moderate and if I have to (fir ex. Hold something whilst DH holds the other end or fits it). I do as much of the following as I can: making cups of tea, popping over to Screwfix for the odd bits, walk the dogs etc any excuse really. But, on the main, I appear present.

Barney16 · 20/03/2025 11:03

I do all our DIY but haven't ever tackled a shed. It's a tricky one, the car example he used isn't really equivalent to building a shed, and I agree with pp that 60 isn't old. However being a team surely means listening to each others point of view and if needed arriving at a compromise. You both seem miles away from a compromise, it's like shed wars. It sounds like a fantastic shed though so any chance of getting someone in to do part of it and then he finishes it off?

ThinWomansBrain · 20/03/2025 11:01

so he's only bothered to get the one quote?

I wouldn't object to the "holding the corner posts" bit a PP has mentioned, but generally his concept that he is retired, you can keep working and dedicate all of your not-really-spare time to helping with his projects is a non starter.

He needs to up his share of cooking and housework, maybe join a 'men's club' to find like minded bores who want to mess about in sheds or make them, and/or get a part time job to keep him busy/fund his wants and hobbies.

Other alternative - the trading an hour of assisting with the car/helping with the shed sounds dismal - think about making a life for yourself without him and shedwars.

If he is like this while you are still working, what nightmare will he turn into when you retire and have no escape time out of the house? DO you really want 20-30 years of this?

TonTonMacoute · 20/03/2025 10:58

I feel your pain OP. DH turns into an extremely rude tyrant when I help him with stuff that's at the limits of my strength, and I have often had to demand that he doesn't speak to me like that.

If the mate wants £15k for the job then it's clearly a huge task. Your DH is off his head to think that you could help him build the equivalent for peanuts.

He should advertise locally for a young trainee (do you have a local tech college?) who would value the experience and would help him for a lower price.

ThirdStorm · 20/03/2025 10:58

I'm in my 40s and I wouldn't be interested in helping with this kind of project either. Not how I want to spend my time even if I wanted a shed. And comparing helping on this project to giving you a lift back from the garage is absolutely not the same thing.

Maurepas · 20/03/2025 10:54

I built a small shed all by myself several years ago. My children were very impressed and told the neighbours! It wasn't difficult. Perhaps he could have 3 small sheds instead of one large - much easier? Otherwise you may have to help him. Anyway my shed was all pre cut.

bridgetreilly · 20/03/2025 10:53

YANBU. Doesn’t he have a mate who enjoys DIY who could come and help? And then he could reciprocate by helping out the mate with other projects?

Alternatively, you do it, and the ££££s you save go on a lovely holiday for you, somewhere warm, to recover.

Sahara123 · 20/03/2025 10:52

EveryKneeShallBow · 20/03/2025 10:02

You’re entitled to refuse, of course, but I’m with your husband. A couple of weeks discomfort in the garden to save thousands of pounds. I’d be cross if my husband didn’t ask me to muck in. (Also in my 60s).

Yes, me too. We don’t like spending thousands on something we can do ourselves! We’ve recently moved house and so far I’ve painted inside, we’ve wallpapered, built a shed and done some fairly heavy work in the garden. Mid to late 60’s, perfectly able although we do know where to draw the line !
I see it as something you do together, work out what you want to do and find the best , most economic way to do it.

Theforestonthehill · 20/03/2025 10:51

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 09:50

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

I'm puzzled by this response. Are you saying 60 year olds are too old to build a shed? Really?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/03/2025 10:50

@Tripewriter I would be up for that and I am 70 and 5 foot nothing!! dh is 71! in fact, I would be the one asking my dh to spare the time to help me build it! think of the pride you would feel when you tell your friends that you built your new shed!

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/03/2025 10:50

thepariscrimefiles · 20/03/2025 10:37

Of course she doesn't have to say yes. She has arthritis in her hands which makes holding heavy stuff painful. He doesn't need such an expensive state of the art shed. He could buy a self-assembly shed that he could manage to assemble on his own.

OP is still working so she is bringing money into the household, unlike her younger DH who has retired.

Show quote history

Clearly she needs to decline heavy lifting and anything that hurts her. But incurring a £7k bill because she doesn't want to pass tools or hold things is unreasonable, IMHO.

I agree it sucks, helping difficult people is a nightmare.

If they buy a cheap shed they'll just have this same problem again in a few years.