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Original poster

DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

256 replies

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:41

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 20/03/2025 11:59

Brefugee · 20/03/2025 10:07

I'm over 60 and (although with us it would likely be me wanting to build the shed) if my DH asked this i would help him

But i'd be looking around for more practical solutions, like semi-pre-fabricated sheds etc.

But if you don't want to, @Tripewriter - don't help him. But you should expect that in future he won't be driving behind you to the garage or any other things that he usually does. Ball is in your court.

This.
Why should you have any expectation of help now? DH has a history of expecting me to help him with all kinds of things. What other types of things?

Springhassprungthesunisout · 20/03/2025 11:57

He'll just need someone to hold things whilst he faffs sawing, measuring etc. Do it - in the sunshine mind you! - but with headphones on so you can zone out when you get bored!

Original poster
Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 11:57

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out.
This struck me - forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but despite your ages are you a relatively 'new' couple? It sounds like something that would have been worked out over the years otherwise ...

Together for 26 years, married 23 years. Helped each other out through all sorts of stuff: life, death, illness, redundancy. Both worked FT till very recently, mortgage paid off, no debts, savings, work and private pensions due/ already coming in, full state pensions due down the line. Moved into this house with a half-acre garden some years ago. Comfortably off, but not so comfortably that an unexpected £5-7k bill isn't a cause for an ouch moment.

I think what has become increasingly clear as he's aged is that he looks to me for support and help much more than most people (male or female) do with their spouse. He comes from a large family where he was the youngest and there was always someone around to help him with homework or a project or, in the early days, offer him a job or whatever. All of them now scattered: emotionally close still but in other countries or hundreds of miles away. I think his learned response is to expect the person closest to him to provide what he needs.

He has always leaned quite heavily on me and others for support: asked me to read reports he'd written for work, wanted to talk to me about his work projects at length: always expected me to be interested and involved in what he was doing. He's not needy, he just seems to want someone else to be involved, if that makes any sense.

I've had to draw boundaries. When he got into running in his 40s he seemed to expect that the kids and I and the dog would accompany him to every race and hang around holding his gear and then drive him home afterwards. He's a lovely, friendly, usually easy-going sort of man, but he does tend to assume that if he's got an idea or an interest then I'll share his enthusiasm. He has absolutely no interest at all in what I'm studying for my MA and seems to think it's a bit of a joke that I might be interested in something academic. He doesn't even pretend to be interested. The children and friends have commented on it, so I'm not imagining it.

OP posts:
Springsnowdrops · 20/03/2025 11:54

Bollocks to that
Following you to the garage to make sure you don't break down is normal what you do for a partner
Putting a shed up is not ...no ...
He can pay someone to help him .
Stand firm ,say no

DorothReally · 20/03/2025 11:54

My (amazing) dad built me the same last year. He is 50 and has worked in construction all his life and it was an incredibly tough job for him and me. One example that stands out is that walls were built as a frame on the ground and lifted up onto the base/foundation. These were heavy and I was nowhere near the level of help he needed. Similarly there was a time when I was on the roof helping hold down fabric while he secured it - not good for vertigo.

It took a lot of manpower but we did save money and the quality is amazing compared to the £15k/£20k ones we got quoted but material costs had risen so much that the saving wasn’t as much as we expected. It also took much longer as he was on his own. If I were to do it again, I’d pay the external company to do it. Don’t blame you at all OP for not wanting to commit to this and I think most people that are criticising are imagining a cheap wooden shed, as opposed to a functional garden room

latetothefisting · 20/03/2025 11:53

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 10:39

Floatlikeafeather2 · Today 10:20

OP, are you meaning he wants to build a shed from scratch rather than assembling from panels?

Yes. It will be a bespoke, built-from scratch shed about 5m x 3.5m, with various sections, lined out with marine ply or similar and some insulation, a metal roof and on a concrete base. It'll be vertically clad in thick larch from a local source. We have some good, solid, lockable doors/ door frames already: someone local had a new extension built and gave us their doors and a couple of newish double-glazed windows. The idea is that if it's build it well it should see us out.

"see us out" and you previously referred to "Longevity"

but panel built sheds are guaranteed to last at least 10 years and usually last far longer

are you really still planning to be in the same house (which already sounds a lot to manage in late fifties/sixties with the big garden etc) when you are in your 80s?
Why do you need a 'forever' shed?

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/03/2025 11:53

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 09:50

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

Why not at 60 this is madness .
Why do people not lol after themselves ? Oh im
60 I can’t possibly do any form of exercise .

Seems like one takes car of their health and the other doesn’t this one of the problems .

Funnywonder · 20/03/2025 11:52

All the nopes from me! DP hasn’t asked me to help him build a shed thankfully, but I completely relate to the standing about while main character measures, tweaks, measures again, scratches his head, more measuring, makes strange hmmm type noises, measures again, then walks off to find something with absolutely no explanation. Sorry, got carried away there🤣 I fucking HATE being the builder’s mate. I think he just likes me standing there holding a spanner so that he isn’t alone. No way on this good green earth would I even contemplate building a shed. Not so much as a bird house in fact. We have very different ways of working. And I’m not a team player!

Biffbaff · 20/03/2025 11:52

My husband and I have just bought a 12' by 8' log cabin for £4k, which can be DIY but we're going to pay for someone to install it (an estimated £750-£1k). We need it to actually be watertight!

We didn't go with this company in the end, but were very torn and were going to buy one of their summerhouses. They make modular buildings to order and can do bespoke, installation included - any retailers near you? https://phoenixsheds.co.uk/retail-outlets/

Retail Outlets - Phoenix Garden Buildings

https://phoenixsheds.co.uk/retail-outlets/

BishyBarnyBee · 20/03/2025 11:52

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 09:50

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

I'd happily build a shed on my own at 60, it's not a ridiculous suggestion. But in this case, OP is perfectly reasonable to decide it's not for her.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 20/03/2025 11:52

Does the new shed have to go where the current/old shed currently is? Can you not relocate it - build the new one and then move everything from the old into the new and then dismantle the old one? If not, what's the plan for storing the contents of the current/old shed while you're building the new one?

I'm in two minds on this tbh - DH and I tackle this sort of stuff together - but if your DH is retired and this shed is for his stuff then surely this is his project and it's not really fair to expect you to spend so much time doing something he knows you'll hate.

btw you need to rethink the garden - ground cover plants and mulch are your friends 😀

jacktheladess · 20/03/2025 11:50

Theforestonthehill · 20/03/2025 09:52

I'd help my DH build a shed if he asked, even if I wasn't going to use the shed. Both in our 60s

This! You’re 60, not 90! I totally get that we all have different skills but I’m guessing you have been married for a while so do you not have a good relationship?

if this was my husband ( me 65, him 60 married 30 years) I would definitely help, despite my ( not inconsiderable) health issues. I certainly wouldn’t start an argument!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2025 11:50

I am at 60, and there's no way I could do this.

Anywherebuthere · 20/03/2025 11:50

I would do it (not at 60 yet so may change my mind when I get there).

It will be cheaper and quicker if you both agree to remain calm and work together.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2025 11:46

rwalker · 20/03/2025 11:23

Ultimately you can’t be arsed being 60 a bit of fetching carrying and holding things shouldn’t be beyond you

so the up shot is because you can’t be arsed it going to cost £1000’s more to get it done

Can you explain how you know better than @Tripewriter what she is capable of, @rwalker?

Lillygolightly · 20/03/2025 11:45

I can totally understand your reticence to do this OP, he’s wants you to help, but when you do help and assist him he is short tempered and unpleasant towards you. So not only is this backbreaking work which in itself is not a pleasant thing, but to get treated like crap while helping does sod all to motivate you to want to actually help….so why would you?!

I understand because my DH is a carpenter/joiner, we have done many projects together. I am pretty decent with tools and strong myself so I am fairly competent and useful, but he can get incredibly rude and derogatory when I am not doing something fast enough, struggle to carry something very heavy or can’t find the exact too he wants (usually because it’s not where he said it was) and it’s just exhausting!!! We work well together or many things, but this type of thing has to be in small doses as otherwise I really start to dislike him!!!

Your DP could look on Grafter, it’s easy to hire someone who will labour for a day rate.

heldinadream · 20/03/2025 11:39

Your description is not of a shed though, it's more of a garden building and he's asking you to be a full-time builder's mate for the duration.
Which is not reasonable.
You need to stand your ground here.
You can't drop everything to do this and you're not physically the right person either.
Be firm. Let him strop. Offer what you can do - an hour here and there, the necessary teamaking, etc. Not full on full time builder's mate, no no no.

Autumn1990 · 20/03/2025 11:38

Surely he won’t need that much help.
The old shed in a skip, mini digger for the clearing. Bit of help with the skeleton of the shed and the roof structure. Metal roof sheeting is ordered at the correct length.
My Dh has built a big shed this year and I was only needed for holding posts level and then the roof timbers I did have to listen to the shed progress and make the right noises but it wasn’t very onerous

MrsLeonFarrell · 20/03/2025 11:31

Is this about more than the shed? Reading your responses there seems to be a deeper issue about how you are both navigating his retirement. Maybe it would help to discuss dreams, hobbies and expectations in general?

PartyPopper57 · 20/03/2025 11:31

£15k for a shed 😮 We’ve just had one built and it was just under £3k. We’re getting electrics put it but it’ll only be another £500 or so 😂 Back to the point, I wouldn’t help him. I never help DH as I can’t be arsed. I absolutely loathe DIY and when I’ve helped in the past it’s as though time’s stood still, that’s how boring it is. I’m happy with my crocheting thanks very much 😂

Starlight7080 · 20/03/2025 11:30

rwalker · 20/03/2025 11:23

Ultimately you can’t be arsed being 60 a bit of fetching carrying and holding things shouldn’t be beyond you

so the up shot is because you can’t be arsed it going to cost £1000’s more to get it done

I don't think it's that simple building a high spec shed. It's not like a bnq one that's 4 small sides and a roof .
Obviously alot more to it given how long it's going to take and the predicted cost if paying professionals.
Not to mention the taking the old one down and cleaning the area .
But if you think this is all super easy then maybe you could explain why anyone ever pays professionals to do these jobs ? Given how easy it all is . And is mostly just fetching and holding stuff.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 20/03/2025 11:29

Hell would freeze over before I would do this. It sounds dreadful.

I bet you will have a million rows whilst he treats you like a labourer.

Also, it's a horrible thing to do. Lugging crap to skips and building from the ground up.

I'm not lazy. I have painted the exterior and interior of several of our houses. I even tiled the kitchen. I mow lawns, I have ripped up carpets and taken down wallpaper. DIY is something I am okay with doing. But if something is beyond me physically or sounds awful to do (for a prolonged period) I won't do it.

My DH isn't physically able to do much DIY and he hates it, so I happily did the above tasks on my own and then we hired people when we could afford it for the things I didn't want to do.

The fact that he thinks taking you in the car for an hour is even remotely equivalent is wild.

I understand that a well built shed is worth it. But your idea of him working part time to pay for it is a good one.

I think it's time you start putting your foot down otherwise you'll be in for a loooooooong retirement with his projects lol

Northumberlandgirl · 20/03/2025 11:29

You’ve made me laugh. This sounds exactly like me. I’m in my seventies but my husband who has always had 20 times my strength expects me to help him lug bits of steel around the garden for his various projects. He also expects me to stand in the cold admiring his skill while he works. He is quite handy around the house so I put up with him.

rwalker · 20/03/2025 11:23

Ultimately you can’t be arsed being 60 a bit of fetching carrying and holding things shouldn’t be beyond you

so the up shot is because you can’t be arsed it going to cost £1000’s more to get it done

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2025 11:23

Could you find a couple of local teenagers who would be willing to help out for a few quid an hour, @Tripewriter? It's the sort of thing my boys would have done, when they were teens.