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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

256 replies

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:41

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

OP posts:

Floatlikeafeather2 · 20/03/2025 10:20

OP, are you meaning he wants to build a shed from scratch rather than assembling from panels? If so, I don't blame you for being reticent. Tell him no and tell him why - remind him that you don't work very well together; he wants the shed, not you (will he see it very much as his shed?); you don't want to. Tell him there are excellent options available for sturdy, well insulated, well-designed sheds. We used Dunster House but there are other companies. We also have a firm locally who design to spec and give you the option of them erecting it. Even that option would work out less than £15,000 for a mate to do it.

IMissSparkling · 20/03/2025 10:20

I don't have a husband, but if I did I would help him build a shed. On nice days. If there were going to be plenty of tea breaks.

Original poster

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 10:19

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 20/03/2025 10:13

Oh, this is exactly the type of shed that we need, and are going around in circles arguing about!
DP does not want us to pay the cost of having it built, but also, does not want to build it by himself.
I am a foot smaller, and half the weight of DP and not built for heavy lifting. I also do everything in the house, work FT and pay my way.
I can see our old sheds falling down before we agree on this.

Never realised how contentious building a shed would be, but thrilled to find we're not the only ones.

I think what's also alarming me is that now he's given up work he's expecting me to help him out with so much more than he ever did, even though he's always known that I don't share all his interests. He's the one who wanted a big garden, which requires constant work. I really don't want to spend every weekend out there, bent double, weeding and mulching and planting and mowing: it's not my dream. But now he's able to spend all day out there doing what he dreamed of, he seems to require me to be out there with him too and gets annoyed when I say no, I'm not going to trim the hedges on a bitter January day.

I'm beginning to think that this retirement lark is a very bad idea. I might suggest that he works part-time for a year and then pays to have this shed built if it's what he really wants.

OP posts:

mewkins · 20/03/2025 10:17

If he wants a bespoke deluxe shed then he either needs to build it himself or pay someone to do it or help him do it. He could surely pay someone for a few days to help put up the shell and then he can do the rest on his own, he doesn't need you to be there apart from for a few 'holding things up' moments. Even then you can use clamps and poles for holding things in place. To be honest though he does sound rather grumpy and demanding and I'm not sure I'd want to sign up to this at all.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 20/03/2025 10:14

My ex used to blow a fuse if(when) things went wrong in diy projects and it was usually me that got the worst of his frustration and temper. Frankly, it has had a long effect on me and that's after twenty five years divorced. Even putting up a Christmas tree could cause him to be unbearable because I was never holding the tree straight enough. I fully understand where you are coming from. If you must help, tell him the first time he complains or shouts at you, you are downing tools and leaving him to it. And do that.

Original poster

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 10:13

Brefugee · 20/03/2025 10:07

I'm over 60 and (although with us it would likely be me wanting to build the shed) if my DH asked this i would help him

But i'd be looking around for more practical solutions, like semi-pre-fabricated sheds etc.

But if you don't want to, @Tripewriter - don't help him. But you should expect that in future he won't be driving behind you to the garage or any other things that he usually does. Ball is in your court.

This is ridiculous! He spent less than an hour accompanying me to the garage to get my car (which he drives several times a week) fixed. In exchange he's expecting hundreds of hours of work. I'm still working 15 hours a week and bringing in income: he's decided to give up work early to pursue his interests.

Good on those of you who in your 60s, 70s and 80s are still doing heavy physical work. I have arthritis in my hands, which makes holding heavy stuff painful, and mild lumbar pain which I really don't want to make any worse.

OP posts:

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 20/03/2025 10:13

Floatlikeafeather2 · 20/03/2025 10:07

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 09:50

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

I do hope, for your sake, you're not aiming to check out at 60. Last shed we built was a couple of years ago. My husband was 75, I was 67. It is a very large, sturdy Dunster House shed, not something flimsy from B&Q or The Range. It was hard work but it got done. The only bit we needed help with was putting the roofing felt on. Our daughter came for the weekend and did the monkey work needed for that (and got a view of the neighbours' gardens that I can never hope to have). Up your expectations of life.

Brefugee · 20/03/2025 10:07

I'm over 60 and (although with us it would likely be me wanting to build the shed) if my DH asked this i would help him

But i'd be looking around for more practical solutions, like semi-pre-fabricated sheds etc.

Doggymummar · 20/03/2025 10:06

It's coming up to Summer, 18 degrees this weekend. I would agree to help for two hours a day. If you can fit it round work, kids, grandkids hobbies etc, but only on nice days.

Original poster

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 10:04

lifemakeover · 20/03/2025 09:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to not spend £15k on a shed and for looking for cheaper alternatives.

Presumably he's buying something 'off the shelf' that will then need to be put together like giant flat pack furniture? Like this kind of thing https://dunsterhouse.co.uk/garden-sheds/workshop-sheds/page/1?sort=price-desc

Are there any younger, fitter members of the family or family friends that might help instead? Any teens/young adults that could do it for a bit of cash?

No, he wants a bespoke shed designed to accommodate various things: separate sections for bike and other sports gear and wood storage and then a large space for all his woodworking and construction gear. He wants roof lights and double doors.

I'm suggesting what you're looking at, but a bought-in shed like you're describing will never equal the quality and longevity of a really good-quality bespoke shed.

OP posts:

Millymoonshine · 20/03/2025 10:03

Love my dh dearly but could never work with him.
He can't keep from having a dig when he gets frustrated.
I've just read your op to dh and he laughed.

Snoken · 20/03/2025 10:02

I wouldn't mind helping out in that situation at all but not if he's going to be barking orders at me or being unpleasant. My willingness would entirely depend on his mood, not the actual labour involved.

Rainbow1901 · 20/03/2025 10:02

Last summer my DH has built a shed from pallet wood (which sonIL brought home from work) and did virtually the whole lot by himself. Apart from initially holding corner posts to help him out on the first day - that is all I have done.
I just made plenty of brews and left him to it.
Yes, it took a while because of the weather and waiting on more materials - then the plastic roofing needed to be ordered but like you I wasn't going to hang around waiting on him - I've got enough to do myself!! DH is a perfectionist and like your DH measures twenty times before cutting!! 😬But I'm not hanging around while he faffs about and he knows it!!
If your DH is buying a kit shed then you maybe could help because it is essentially already built but it will be heavier lifting in the interim.

EveryKneeShallBow · 20/03/2025 10:02

You’re entitled to refuse, of course, but I’m with your husband. A couple of weeks discomfort in the garden to save thousands of pounds. I’d be cross if my husband didn’t ask me to muck in. (Also in my 60s).

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2025 10:01

It would be one thing if he treated you with some fucking respect and kindness whilst helping him with these things but he doesn't does he, he Verbally abuses you and makes it an unpleasant experience.

He can do one.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 20/03/2025 10:00

I am 10 years your junior and have found a company that dismantle la old sheds and assembles the new one. Nowhere near £15k..... probably less than £1k including the shed. How big is this shed he wants to build? I would expect a full spa at that price!

Nannyfannybanny · 20/03/2025 09:59

I'm in my 70s, but we have always mucked in together. Can't afford to pay folk, and frankly they've never done a decent job..I draw the line at going up 60 ft trees to prune though. I have friends in their 80s who will do this sort of thing together, and friends in their 40s where the (child free) wife does nothing in the house or garden, considering it's "man's work"

LoveWine123 · 20/03/2025 09:59

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 09:50

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

Are people just about dead and infirm at 60?

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 09:59

Do you have children/grandchildren? My dad would take it as an opportunity to teach DGC something and give them some pocket money.

Original poster

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:59

The shed is primarily for his use and the storage of his DIY equipment, which will benefit me (he's handy around the house and has done a lot of work on it), so the new shed will benefit me indirectly. We definitely need to replace the old one.

Most of his friends are older/ semi-retired and no longer interested in spending weeks lugging stuff around or up ladders. I suspect he doesn't want to be beholden to a friend. I've suggested that we pay someone to come and labour for him, but he doesn't want to work with a stranger. We did have a labourer helping with paths and he was more trouble than he was worth, which is why I ended up having to help out.

I can find apparently serviceable sheds/workshops pre-made and erected for less than £6k: DH could finish off the interior with insulation and boarding in his own time. I'm shocked at the price of things. DH has a history of expecting me to help him with all kinds of things. He came from a large family where you could always get someone to help. I'm from a small family and expect to have to work out ways of doing things on my own.

OP posts:

LoveWine123 · 20/03/2025 09:58

when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out

Yes you do! You also listen to each other and take each other's opinions and preferences into account. You respect each other's opinions and preferences. It's not just a one way street and it's not an argument you pull out when it only suits one person. I'd remind him of that.

TeenLifeMum · 20/03/2025 09:55

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 09:50

Build a shed! At 60! I'd have just laughed and moved on.

Just laugh, say no and that you don't want to hear any more about it.

They’re 60 not 90!

TeenLifeMum · 20/03/2025 09:55

Clearly I’m bucking the responses here but why wouldn’t I put a coat on and help my dh? What fitness do you need to stand and hold bits?

My dad is 72 with cancer and built a green house (including the base) last summer. Mum helped. It is what couples do imo. I also don’t think 60 is that old.

LunaNorth · 20/03/2025 09:53

Say you’re a big believer in DIY - Don’t Involve Yourself.

Good exercise for you? Cheeky bugger.

Just say no. No more discussion needed.

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