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Original poster

DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

256 replies

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:41

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

OP posts:
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Createausername1970 · 23/03/2025 09:49

I am over 60 and would be prepared to help - but within my personal limitations.

I was going to say, OP, that you need to have a conversation with him about the practicalities, but I can see from your updates that he has realised he is being unreasonable.

We wanted to do a very similar project, but in the end decided against it because of the cost

In the end, we went for two separate sheds - plastic - and some garden storage boxes. So we have the separation we wanted, but at a fraction of the cost. One shed is DIY and car stuff, the other is garden-based. The mower and pond stuff is in a storage box and garden furniture in another storage box.

We had to pay about £1500 for two concrete bases. Each plastic shed was about £1k and the storage boxes were and £200 each. So under £4K in total, as opposed to £16k for a bespoke wooden one.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 23/03/2025 09:35

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 12:47

Yes, this is it! He's not deliberately nasty or controlling or self-obsessed, he just assumes that what's on his mind or what he's doing will be of interest to me and others around.

Now imagine having to stand there holding a heavy length of timber while he does the 'I think that needs of be 2008mm. Or is that the bit I'd saved for the long stretch? Hold it still while I measure. There are quite a few knots in this, it might need treating. It looks a bit warped to me, so I'll have to take that into account. I should be wearing the black gloves for this, not these orange ones. Where did you put my black gloves? Have you seen my rule? Not that one, the red one. Where's my pencil? Have you got my pencil?' And that this goes on for weeks, possibly for months, while you have other things like work and essays and reading to do...

Show quote history

Oh God! I understand. It's exhausting being the constant sounding board for someone else's thoughts. Particularly, while standing for hours getting nothing done, while your own projects are piling up and neglected.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 23/03/2025 09:30

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 11:57

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out.
This struck me - forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but despite your ages are you a relatively 'new' couple? It sounds like something that would have been worked out over the years otherwise ...

Together for 26 years, married 23 years. Helped each other out through all sorts of stuff: life, death, illness, redundancy. Both worked FT till very recently, mortgage paid off, no debts, savings, work and private pensions due/ already coming in, full state pensions due down the line. Moved into this house with a half-acre garden some years ago. Comfortably off, but not so comfortably that an unexpected £5-7k bill isn't a cause for an ouch moment.

I think what has become increasingly clear as he's aged is that he looks to me for support and help much more than most people (male or female) do with their spouse. He comes from a large family where he was the youngest and there was always someone around to help him with homework or a project or, in the early days, offer him a job or whatever. All of them now scattered: emotionally close still but in other countries or hundreds of miles away. I think his learned response is to expect the person closest to him to provide what he needs.

He has always leaned quite heavily on me and others for support: asked me to read reports he'd written for work, wanted to talk to me about his work projects at length: always expected me to be interested and involved in what he was doing. He's not needy, he just seems to want someone else to be involved, if that makes any sense.

I've had to draw boundaries. When he got into running in his 40s he seemed to expect that the kids and I and the dog would accompany him to every race and hang around holding his gear and then drive him home afterwards. He's a lovely, friendly, usually easy-going sort of man, but he does tend to assume that if he's got an idea or an interest then I'll share his enthusiasm. He has absolutely no interest at all in what I'm studying for my MA and seems to think it's a bit of a joke that I might be interested in something academic. He doesn't even pretend to be interested. The children and friends have commented on it, so I'm not imagining it.

He sounds utterly selfish, really.

Lokens · 22/03/2025 13:09

Seeline · 22/03/2025 11:44

I wonder what the responses would have been if the OP hadn't mentioned her age, or if she was 30 with a chronic pain condition?

People seem so focussed on the fact that 60 isn't old, they seem to have overlooked the fact that not all 60 year olds are the same.
Do many 'older' women frequently martyr themselves, and put their bodies at risk of further harm and/or pain, just to pander to their partners' random whims? I understand that such instances will commonly arise if partners' need caring for, or the situation is urgent for some reason, but for a man cave?

Completely agree.
I play singles tennis at 60 and am relatively fit.
I have friends who played tennis and golf 5 years ago and were equally fit but knee and hip problems are now an issue.
Things can change so easily as you age.
Aging healthy is the ultimate privilege you realise quickly enough as you find yourself getting on!

Mummamap · 22/03/2025 12:25

Could he not use a local teenager. We pay the lad next door to help out with bits and pieces. He helps in the garden and we are dismantling a shed at the moment and he is here to help. We pay him a day rate and he seems happy enough.

Seeline · 22/03/2025 11:44

I wonder what the responses would have been if the OP hadn't mentioned her age, or if she was 30 with a chronic pain condition?

People seem so focussed on the fact that 60 isn't old, they seem to have overlooked the fact that not all 60 year olds are the same.
Do many 'older' women frequently martyr themselves, and put their bodies at risk of further harm and/or pain, just to pander to their partners' random whims? I understand that such instances will commonly arise if partners' need caring for, or the situation is urgent for some reason, but for a man cave?

2JFDIYOLO · 22/03/2025 11:27

It sounds like this ship is steadying itself and he realises he was out of order.

Also, I'm sorry op, I hadn't picked up on the arthritis piece.

In one way we aren't men's support animals taking on responsibility for cushioning their reaction to retirement especially if they hadn't prepared for reality.

And certainly not if it causes you actual pain.

But we are also in a partnership, trying to understand and work together through difficult times. Being part of the design process or any other way you could participate.

Could he get a student in! Pay them to be his assistant doing the heavy and hard stuff?

It's great that he has a project to focus on especially if it will mean eventually home will be nicer.

Flibberteegibbet · 22/03/2025 05:28

im in my late 50s. I have heart failure, arthritis and fibromyalgia amongst other things. DH (who has his own health problems) and I have spent the last couple of days taking up and relaying new flooring. Last year we built a shed together. We fall out regularly over DIY but we’ve always done it together as a team - when I want something done he helps me and I do the same for him. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t!

Dogsbreath7 · 22/03/2025 05:01

I am team help him. You will benefit with stuff out of the house and you benefit from his diy. Be grateful.

You can put limits on expectations like not helping all day and weather is reasonable. Your age isn’t an excuse and being more mobile will help your fitness (lack of fitness to a normal std is not something to be proud of).

A lot of diy sheds can be poor quality, he needs to see in person.

littlemisspigg · 22/03/2025 04:48

Tripewriter · 20/03/2025 09:41

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

Clearly he wants a shed and wants to save money by 'hiring' cheap labour who he can yell at -- You.

Clearly, you do not wish to be that cheap labour.

Can your back / leg/ hands/ feet not suddenly develop pain/ get pulled/ develop a rash? Can your 'doctor/ GP' not tell you you MUST NOT lift heavy things? Maybe even an 'allergy' to dust/ wood filings whatever?

Hold your ground OP, and good luck 💪

DeadSpace3 · 22/03/2025 04:40

60 is not old!

Specter17 · 22/03/2025 01:20

personally if you can cover the costs then custom design one would be my preference then altering sections myself as needed

Specter17 · 22/03/2025 01:19

Pritty much how i was raised, i didnt have a clue most of the time but learnt through trial and error and many opps

Snoringdogsfarting · 22/03/2025 00:59

I get really annoyed at the idea that 60 is past it and really old . Retirement age is 67, going up to 68, so 60 has a long working life ahead yet, many people being in hard physical manual jobs, and that’s both men and women. I know that probably comes as a shock to many on mn, but it’s true

Elsvieta · 21/03/2025 21:48

If you can afford it, tell him your contribution will be paying for a carpenter to help for X hours. (If he doesn't want to work with the carpenter, that's on him - you offered). Tell him if he whines you won't be lending your car again.

catlover123456789 · 21/03/2025 19:06

£15k for a SHED? that's the most shocking thing about this thread!

independentfriend · 21/03/2025 18:50

Have a search for the term "body doubling" - much of the stream of consciousness at you, might fit this - maybe he can only do the job with you to calm his over thinking.

Some of the physical stuff could be made easier - outright refusal to stand holding things he's not actually working on / maybe buying equipment so he can keep stuff at a good working height with less need for anybody else to hold things. 'Access intimacy' is another useful term to look up. He needs to understand what is painful for you - intellectually understanding you stopped one job because of arthritis doesn't seem to be the same thing as understanding which movements hurt too much / which might be ok once or twice a day / which are easier.

anon666 · 21/03/2025 18:37

Oh cripes. Now I've RTFT I get it. Dh is like the proverbial tree in the forest. He can't do anything unless it's observed. My dad was just the same.

It's a bit of an entitled male attitude. I now wholeheartedly agree with your eise decision to give him a wide berth. 🤣🤣🤣

I deliberately insisted we buy a house that needed no work doing, because dh at the time was such a nightmare to be around when he was doing DIY. Huffing and puffing and angry amd obnoxious. I knew our marriage wouldn't survive a "project".

It's a miracle the shed passed without a row. Its because he was building it for me, that I managed to handle the man vs world aspects.

anon666 · 21/03/2025 18:30

£15K FOR A SHED?????

I balked at paying £500. 😲

Funnily enough, I've just helped Dh to dismantle and reassemble a shed, so I can talk with confidence on this one.

I'm hopelessly unfit, in fact suffer from chronic pain that flares up often. However, I was fine as "builders mate". Essentially this meant holding a marker pen, pencil and notepad while dh did all the work. I marked up the bits with a permanent marker, numbering them and drawing a plan so they could be reassembled. Today I've applied wood cleaner and preservative.

None of it has been excessively strenuous.

Dh has really enjoyed doing a project together.

It's not every day, but I was happy to help as he is usually happy to reciprocate.

You could be a companion to the project for him. Even just making a cup of tea?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 21/03/2025 12:36

2JFDIYOLO · 20/03/2025 12:05

You're younger than I am. Bending, stretching, lifting, load bearing exercise in fresh air and sunlight (sunblock ofc) are all good for us. He's right. The exercise will do you good. You're choosing to take it as an insult.

Dress properly, good gloves, treats for when you've finished, he buys the takeaway.

Do read OP's posts - it's a full-on construction job, not a little bit of DIY!

Abracadabra12345 · 20/03/2025 21:53

I hope you’re able to carve out times you can just relax and chill at home OP, given what you’ve said about him assuming you’ll be involved in gardening too, let alone the shed. You’ll be retired fully at some point and you have a right to a relaxed one.

In the meantime you have very legitimate reasons for not being able or willing to spare precious time to help. Time to draw up clear boundaries

gamerchick · 20/03/2025 20:53

We're not here to help men through their boredom during their retirement.. especially when we're still working and have health issues. It's for them to figure out on their own

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2025 19:24

@Makeitpossible - @Tripewriter has arthritis causing her pain and causing her hands to have poor grip. She also has lumbar pain, which I suspect would make helping with the construction of a shed painful, and might make her back worse. She would help if she could, but shouldn’t be guilted when she says she can’t.

Makeitpossible · 20/03/2025 19:01

but surely you’re a team and help each other? If this was the other way round and DH wasn’t helping you on a project of your choice of pretty sure you would have different answers.
Do I want to decorate and build furniture for DH man cave no, could I use the time doing something I enjoy yep. But sure as hell I am gonna help him because it will make him happy.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 20/03/2025 18:48

Fair enough but I'd still make it clear that I wasn't getting involved with the actual construction!

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