Page 2 | (Most) Women don't look at men the same way men look at women?

focuseddreamer · 2025-03-20T09:14:04+00:00

Please can you all help me out as I’m interested to find if AIBU? Named changed for this. Had a heated discussion with husband earlier this week where it came around to a subject we’ve discussed many times in the past but I always get shut down. Women don’t look at men in the same way as men look at women (I know that’s a very broad statement). So essentially he is saying many men will look at a woman and think “ cor look at the arse on that” and I agree as fundamentally males brains are hard-wired to do that. I am saying that (most) women do not look at men and think the same way. Women are more likely to think “ Cor he’s gorgeous/big/strong/intelligent/charismatic” etc, fundamental difference as women’s brains are hard-wired to look for a good mate to produce healthy off- spring. Apparently, I’m wrong, I don’t know how women think and a lot of women think about men the same way men think about women! So I’m interested to think what your thoughts on the subject are please. I’d like to show him the results from a group of women 😊

CyanMaker · 21/03/2025 18:55

I'm attracted to a man who is well groomed and not scruffy looking. If things were to go further, he would need to be tall, kind , a non smoker, easy on the booze and easy to talk to. Yes I do enjoy seeing a hot guy walk by wherever I am. Unfortunately most of them are unattainable (they're in the movies or on tv) not in the real world.

Calliopespa · 21/03/2025 18:47

Flamingfeline · 21/03/2025 18:39

I can see that a man is attractive but I would never feel the need to do more than glance and I’ve always been like that. I’ve only ever felt attracted to any man after getting to know them well, in which case it’s kindness, humour, general interestingness. I’ve often heard women talking about men in a lustful way, usually a group of women, and always wonder whether they really feel that or are they putting it on.

This is exactly how I feel.

Yet some posters are determined that we must be sublimating the fact that what we really crave, love, admire (and are desperate for glimpses of) is a penis . 😐

Flamingfeline · 21/03/2025 18:39

I can see that a man is attractive but I would never feel the need to do more than glance and I’ve always been like that. I’ve only ever felt attracted to any man after getting to know them well, in which case it’s kindness, humour, general interestingness. I’ve often heard women talking about men in a lustful way, usually a group of women, and always wonder whether they really feel that or are they putting it on.

Stars2theside · 21/03/2025 18:15

Emmz1510 · 20/03/2025 18:20

I sort of agree with you. I can appreciate a man who is good looking in general, looking at the whole package, stuff like ‘oh he’s a nice dresser, has nice eyes, nice hair’ that sort of thing but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m attracted ‘to’ him. I’ve always fallen in love with men I was friends with first and to be honest, the sexual attraction part has come after I’ve got to know them. I rarely look at random men and think ‘fwoar I would!’. And I’ve certainly never gawped a random man’s butt.

Exactly this! I will usually comment on someone having a nice feature, like their eyes for example, and my DP will instantly go into “oh you fancy him do you?!” In an accusatory tone! And I’m always saying, no! I just said he had nice eyes! He doesn’t have the same reaction if I comment on a women’s features - but to be fair to him, in all our years together he has NEVER sat there and commented on another woman or been that typical lad behaviour. Hah, seems he does have some redeeming qualities after all…. 😂

MarkingBad · 20/03/2025 19:13

TokyoKyoto · 20/03/2025 15:00

It is not! I'm only just realising I'm a secret horndog 😂I thought everyone appreciated the bodies and attributes of whichever gender they're attracted to.

There was actually a study a few decades ago where they followed the eyes of people in the room, imagine they were all in a meeting. Various people walked in and out. The results showed that women clocked the genitals (well, the general area) of every man who came in, but so did the men. Just a quick, subconscious peek. They supposed that it was something to do with hierarchy. Nowadays we know a lot more men are interested in men than would admit it, and certainly they wouldn't have admitted it years ago. So maybe it was that, I don't know.

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I saw a documentary on that, I've been trying to remember the name of it since I spotted this thread, I'm glad I wasn't imaginging it. Definitely worth a watch its a real eye opener that removes a lot of myths about womens sexual nature, no pun intended.

Original poster

focuseddreamer · 20/03/2025 18:48

80s · 20/03/2025 16:36

I don't get that from OP's posts. She's saying that she thinks women don't eye men up, and her dp thinks they do, just like men.

OP is arguing that men are hard-wired to eye up women, while women don't enjoy having a good look at men.

Neither of them is arguing that men looking is OK and women looking is weird.

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Yes @80s that’s what we were discussing

OP posts:

Emmz1510 · 20/03/2025 18:20

I sort of agree with you. I can appreciate a man who is good looking in general, looking at the whole package, stuff like ‘oh he’s a nice dresser, has nice eyes, nice hair’ that sort of thing but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m attracted ‘to’ him. I’ve always fallen in love with men I was friends with first and to be honest, the sexual attraction part has come after I’ve got to know them. I rarely look at random men and think ‘fwoar I would!’. And I’ve certainly never gawped a random man’s butt.

MsNevermore · 20/03/2025 18:15

Frrrspa · 20/03/2025 18:10

As I was reading this I thought you were going to end it with "and give him a wedgie!"

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Haven’t done that yet 😂 but I guess there’s still time 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Its not just me either….he’s made sneaky bum smacking an Olympic sport 🤨😂

Frrrspa · 20/03/2025 18:10

MsNevermore · 20/03/2025 18:02

That’s it.
To be fair though, at home with my own DH? I’m as vulgar as any overly confident man in a bar 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂
I’m the first one to wait until he’s bent at the waist putting his boxers on, ninja up behind him and smack his butt 🫠😂

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As I was reading this I thought you were going to end it with "and give him a wedgie!"

MsNevermore · 20/03/2025 18:02

Fagli · 20/03/2025 14:32

Exactly, it’s society again. Men have grown up with the expectation to be confident, more brazen, not having to be ‘kind’ and demure. It doesn’t mean we don’t have the same thoughts, it’s just we are not conditioned to express them like that. I see this with other things, especially in meetings. Men are typically more confident, not afraid to make points (even when they’re incorrect!), it doesn’t mean women don’t have the problem solving skills (far from it), but can just be less confident about expressing them (usually because they get talked over!).

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That’s it.
To be fair though, at home with my own DH? I’m as vulgar as any overly confident man in a bar 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂
I’m the first one to wait until he’s bent at the waist putting his boxers on, ninja up behind him and smack his butt 🫠😂

Azureshores · 20/03/2025 17:45

Frrrspa · 20/03/2025 17:42

Back at uni how did you decide who you wanted to snog on a night out? (If they weren't your boyfriend)

It would entirely depend on how drunk I was. Standards were generally much lower after a few beers. I snogged (and more) some utter double-baggers tbf.

Itsjustgonenoonhalfpastmonsoon · 20/03/2025 17:44

It’s out of order for men to eye up women. They should only be appreciating her non physical qualities.

Frrrspa · 20/03/2025 17:42

Back at uni how did you decide who you wanted to snog on a night out? (If they weren't your boyfriend)

Azureshores · 20/03/2025 17:40

Parmaviolets1313 · 20/03/2025 17:38

Yes I definitely do eye up men and women (I’m straight though).

The truth is though that there probably aren’t that many good looking men around. Whereas more women are far more aesthetically pleasing.

Perhaps men are a bit less fussy who they eye up?

I definitely look at women more too and find them more attractive - but not in a sexual way. I think it's probably more about checking out the competition and admiring women who have physical attributes we'd like ourselves.

Parmaviolets1313 · 20/03/2025 17:38

Yes I definitely do eye up men and women (I’m straight though).

The truth is though that there probably aren’t that many good looking men around. Whereas more women are far more aesthetically pleasing.

Perhaps men are a bit less fussy who they eye up?

anonymous98 · 20/03/2025 17:23

I'd never say that I objectify men (in the way men tend to objectify women) but personally, I am pretty shallow. I do struggle with the idea of dating someone you aren't particularly attracted to (and an alarming number of women seem to think this is normal). I think the idea that women aren't visual is a bit of a myth.

PoppyBaxter · 20/03/2025 17:20

TempestTost · 20/03/2025 16:47

I had the same thing in peri, and I think it's really common. I also have always noticed the same thing, to a lesser extent, with my menstrual cycle, and where I had hormone fluctuations after pregnancy. It's a bit weird to realize the extent to which we are hormonally influenced.

Once in menopause it seems variable, some women continue to be more sexually motivated, but for another group it totally drops off.

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I'm going through this now. I'm 40 and a switch flipped overnight about 6 months ago! I now literally think about sex and am in a permanent state of arousal 24/7 and fear I'm becoming rather one dimensional, although I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

PoppyBaxter · 20/03/2025 17:16

Catsandcannedbeans · 20/03/2025 11:58

Honestly, I would say most women are at least somewhat attractive. I can find beauty in most women, across all ages, races, shapes, and aesthetics. I don’t find many men attractive. I have a very specific type - if you lined up every man I have ever fancied they all look like they could be related. If a man doesn’t tick all the boxes, I don’t find him attractive, but women I do generally think look better. Maybe it’s because women put more effort in, maybe I am a secret lesbian.

Me too.

I'm 100% straight, but I often look at couples out and about and think is she really having sex with HIM?! How could she?

If DH and I separated, I'd have a hard time finding another man whose personality AND looks I liked.

SunnySideUK77 · 20/03/2025 17:14

I don’t really notice men! They’re just part of the scenery. They’d have to be incredibly hot for me to assess one like that. Think male attractiveness comes more down to manners, intelligence and whether they make me laugh. Not things you can really determine by just looking at them I guess.

Matronic6 · 20/03/2025 17:06

YANBU. One of my oldest and closest friends is a gay man and constantly comments on men we walk past and their physical attributes whilst I wouldn't have even been aware of their presence. I do think men are much more visual and will simply be attracted to a woman who appels to.thwm physically, whereas women may appreciate a handsome man they are more likely to be attracted to someone based on an emotional connection.

bigkahunaburger · 20/03/2025 16:57

Im bi. With strangers I find women far far more attractive and beautiful and sexy. With men, I rarely if ever find them attractive as a stranger. I have to get to know them and they have to have something about them.

I think women are more gorgeous - although I normally end up with men more than women. Im not sure why.

coxesorangepippin · 20/03/2025 16:48

To be honest he'd have to be very handsome, almost 6' tall, slim, in his 40's or 50's and dressed in a suit to make me look twice

Not that many of them around

TempestTost · 20/03/2025 16:47

TokyoKyoto · 20/03/2025 10:25

When I hit perimenopause, for some reason I switched into feeling like how I imagine it is for young men. I thought about sex all the time, I actually tingled in places that shouldn't have been tingling while I was just going about my day. Like, if a nipple brushed on something, whammo: sexual thoughts. I had never felt like that, not ever in my life. Apparently it's the imbalance of testosterone as you lose oestrogen/progesterone.
I did start looking at men differently. And women. Entirely driven by hormonal changes. I kept it very, very quiet and you would never have known but I was thinking about arses and pecs and lips all the fucking time. Quite tiring really, and I would never have acted on it, but good fun as far as inner lives go.
(I have calmed down a little bit now I'm in menopause. I wonder how many women get this: most of my friends have the exact opposite and that's what I expected.)
Anyway, I think most women don't feel like that, for most of their lives. Obviously there are strong attractions but this physical response is something else.

I had the same thing in peri, and I think it's really common. I also have always noticed the same thing, to a lesser extent, with my menstrual cycle, and where I had hormone fluctuations after pregnancy. It's a bit weird to realize the extent to which we are hormonally influenced.

Once in menopause it seems variable, some women continue to be more sexually motivated, but for another group it totally drops off.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 20/03/2025 16:45

80s · 20/03/2025 16:36

I don't get that from OP's posts. She's saying that she thinks women don't eye men up, and her dp thinks they do, just like men.

OP is arguing that men are hard-wired to eye up women, while women don't enjoy having a good look at men.

Neither of them is arguing that men looking is OK and women looking is weird.

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Oh maybe ai misread it. I read it as her husband saying he (and all men) looking at women and thinking women don’t have any interest in men’s bodies.

StrawberryDream24 · 20/03/2025 16:45

I've only ever once encountered man who was so stunning he left me speechless, and it was mortifying

Lol.

I once panicked and must have looked so tense & uncomfortable when a good looking young guy went to sit beside me on the train ...that he rotated on his heel and sought a seat elsewhere.