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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for an unwanted child?

516 replies

Anudawan · 19/03/2025 21:00

Hypothetical.

it came up at work today.

if the pregnancy was a result of a one night stand, regardless of whether precautions were taken, if the man doesn’t want the pregnancy and the woman decides to continue, should he be able to opt out of child support?

my personal answer and I’m not sure on the nuance (ie do you have be on the birth certificate and thus can claim parental responsibility in order to be compelled to pay maintenance or a dna test to compel the man) my personal answer is no, he cannot or shouldn’t be able to opt out once the child is born. All sex (with a woman of reproductive age) carries the risk of pregnancy, you can lower the risk but never fully remove it. Abstinence is the only way to do that. To do the action you’ve got to be prepared for the consequences. It’s very easy to flippantly say ‘get an abortion’ but for some women that isn’t viable.

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/03/2025 21:17

I'd say no. I'd say that the law should be able to compell you to pay child support, out of your wages, but the mother should be able to choose whether she wants the support

This seems 'unfair' to men, but don't have sex then?

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 19/03/2025 21:16

I’ve debated this to exhaustion with friends (my opinions have also changed as I got older) and my final conclusion is: no, you can’t just opt out.

All sexual contact carries a risk of pregnancy. If you don’t want to risk it, either get a vasectomy or don’t have sex.

Original poster
Anudawan · 19/03/2025 21:10

LightCameraBitchSmile · 19/03/2025 21:01

Yes. No different to giving a baby up for adoption!

Except it’s very different?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anudawan · 19/03/2025 21:09

Gabrilla · 19/03/2025 21:03

You couldn’t police it. How would you know it’s a one night stand?

What if the man wants to keep it, can he force the woman to give birth if she gets to be off the birth certificate and forgo maintenance?

Exactly… and what’s the other way compelling a woman to have termination?

men have the choice prior to the action. Sex is an adult action and sometimes adult actions have adult consequences. Child maintenance always seems to be a mere drop in the ocean in terms of the real cost of raising a child.

but no, he saw a woman wanting more child support and she just had her hair and nails done… on the internet, and everything on the internet is true right? (Obvious sarcasm)

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 19/03/2025 21:08

mintchocolatecoffee · 19/03/2025 21:01

No. If you don’t want to risk having kids then don’t have sex!

This^ for me it's really that simple.

W0tnow · 19/03/2025 21:08

It’s one part of life that, purely due to biology, only one parent has a say in the matter of the child being born at all. And that parent is the mother. The other parent is the father, and since both parties should be responsible for the child, because they are the child’s parents, “I don’t want to” can’t really come into it. Unless both don’t want to, of course, and then there is adoption.

Gabrilla · 19/03/2025 21:06

I do think in an ideal world all maintenance should be paid from PAYE though, and at a level which is appropriate, and child related benefits should be split according to residency.

All of that admin wouldn’t be cost efficient though so it’ll never happen.

Ph3 · 19/03/2025 21:06

of course he should support the baby.the baby didn’t ask to be born.

Original poster
Anudawan · 19/03/2025 21:06

dumpydumpydumpdump · 19/03/2025 21:02

No of course he can’t. If children came in to bring because they were wanted ivf clinics would be out of business. Wanting a pregnancy and achieving one are two different things.
let me guess- at least some of your male colleagues thought this should be ok?

Of course and I think a consumer of certain podcasts … that was the vibe I got

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 19/03/2025 21:05

It doesn't matter how the child was conceived, like you said, sex even with contraception used can always lead to a pregnancy, men know this, they also know they have no rights over a womans body which by nature also includes a fetus/pregnancy.
If a man does not want to have a baby with someone he should not have vaginal sex with a woman, it's really simple.
If he does get a woman pregnant then he needs to pay to support the child he created.

Gabrilla · 19/03/2025 21:03

You couldn’t police it. How would you know it’s a one night stand?

What if the man wants to keep it, can he force the woman to give birth if she gets to be off the birth certificate and forgo maintenance?

dumpydumpydumpdump · 19/03/2025 21:02

No of course he can’t. If children came in to bring because they were wanted ivf clinics would be out of business. Wanting a pregnancy and achieving one are two different things.
let me guess- at least some of your male colleagues thought this should be ok?

Comedycook · 19/03/2025 21:01

Child maintenance isn't a reward for the mother and a punishment for the father....it's for the child. The circumstances around the conception are irrelevant. Children conceived from one night stands still need to eat.

LightCameraBitchSmile · 19/03/2025 21:01

Yes. No different to giving a baby up for adoption!

MidnightPatrol · 19/03/2025 21:01

Problem is, it would open the door to any man refusing to support his offspring.

mintchocolatecoffee · 19/03/2025 21:01

No. If you don’t want to risk having kids then don’t have sex!

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