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Original poster

Partner shouted at his mum & I interfered

115 replies

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:23

Hi everyone :) I'm feeling totally stuck and really need some advice from people who are not aware of the people or situation. AIBU?

I witnessed my partner shouting at his mum this weekend, reducing her to tears. He was expressing frustration at her spending some money for a house job which had been an absolutely disaster. I was sat there watching and it was getting heated.

I interjected and said "I think the conversation needs to be paused." My partner responded with "I am having a conversation with my mum, I don't want to end this conversation". I said "I think I better leave the room" and he said "Yes, I think you should". Frustrated back, I stood up and said "You're being unreasonable" before I left. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like seeing him shouting at his mum and his mum was crying. Now we're in a 5 day fight where he's waiting for me to apologise. He said I shouldn't have took sides with his mum.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help. He and his mum were fine after the conversation. They are a conflict-based family and arguing seems to be common in their house (but not between those two). I am from a non-conflict family with very calm parents.

When we got in the car, I said I was surprised by him shouting at his mum. It turned into an argument about me going against him in the car. This continued until we got back home. We couldn't come to an agreement, and then he ended up shouting at me, telling me I was in the wrong, that I needed to change my behaviours and that I shouldn't have told him he was unreasonable in front of his mum.

He asked me to leave and we've had space ever since. We are talking each day on the phone but we cannot come to a solution. I have apologised - but I've asked for him to acknowledge my boundary that shouting isn't acceptable in our relationship. He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves. He also said that angry people are the saddest people.

He said I escalated it by pushing his buttons and putting him in the dog house for shouting at his mum. He also said I didn't leave first when he wanted me to, so he ended up shouting.

Do I wave the white flag and just accept I was wrong and should have not taken sides? Have I been unreasonable?

Thank you in advance for any help.

OP posts:
Bluedenimdoglover · 19/03/2025 21:04

If you want to know how a man will treat you, look at how he treats his mother - and he has the gall to say you "pushed his buttons".
Stay there and you'll be treading on eggshells try not to push those buttons. You'll end end up with no say in anything just to keep the peace.

thankyounextplease · 19/03/2025 21:03

I'm very confrontational and love a good argument or heated debate. I can't stand it when people are hiding what they really think, it sets me on edge not to deal with things properly and straight on and get all the emotion out. To me it's like having a good cry - cathartic after.

But in your case it's a red flag that he's blaming YOU for the way HE acted. How he behaves is 100% him. That's the part I would take issue with personally.

DogsandFlowers · 19/03/2025 21:01

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:46

I believe he has also argued with his dad. Their family think heated discussions are acceptable and usually resolve issues. He thinks it's acceptable that he argued with his mum as now they have a solution and he can now help her sort out the house issue.

You’re next I’m afraid, he sounds a bit Andrew Tatey please get rid, I can’t believe you even need to ask TBH….

Codlingmoths · 19/03/2025 21:00

I would leave you if you ‘expressed your emotions’ by shouting at me, and you think that’s a perfectly ok way to behave, and even would be my fault if you shouted, so I think we had better end it now. For your next relationship, please remember if you are shouting at a woman, that’s your choice, not her fault.

thats what you say.

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 19/03/2025 21:00

One day it will be you crying and him screaming at you. Get rid op.. You deserve better don't you?

JLou08 · 19/03/2025 20:59

Red flags all over that one. Shouting at his mum and reducing her to tears is enough alone then add on it being because she did something without asking for his help, him saying its how men express themselves, you pushed his buttons, you didn't leave when he first wanted you to. It screams controlling behaviour. I'd be ending the relationship.

RentalWoesNotFun · 19/03/2025 20:58

I couldn't fancy a misogynistic angry man.

What's next, smacking you and his Mum?
Nope, I'd be off.

AluckyEllie · 19/03/2025 20:57

He said you ‘pushed his buttons.’ That’s a man saying it’s your fault, look what you made me do. Him also saying he wants a united front basically means he wants you to agree with everything he says and does. He’s in charge. Bow down to him and shut up.

Leave. He’s a knob.

Aimtodobetter · 19/03/2025 20:57

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:44

Thanks everyone.

He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him. It is a "big thing" to him that I took his mother's side.

I am trying to find sympathy towards him. His family is incredibly dysfunctional, and they argue so much. I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

It should tell you something that your current partner comes from an aggressive family and says the same things as your abusive ex. Don’t let yourself stay in a second relationship that is going the wrong way.

Deedeesharpwhatkindoflady · 19/03/2025 20:54

Zinnialime · 19/03/2025 20:35

"He doesn't think shouting is a problem, and it's just men expressing themselves".

Major red flag.

And a his way or no way.
Definitely throw this one back.

Trallers · 19/03/2025 20:52

Even overlooking the difficulty resolving the argument you sound unsuited for each other. He doesn't have an issue with shouting and thinks it happens as a normal part of relationships. This means he will be shouting at you one day because it's part of his normal repertoire of dealing with conflict. If you're not ok with that (and it sounds like you'd have to fundamentally change yourself in order to be ok with it) then get out now. There are men out there who don't shout. He sounds like a stress-head.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/03/2025 20:51

I am trying to find sympathy towards him.

For the love of god…stop doing this

So many red flags here including the forcing you to apologise nonsense

end it and get away from this horrible man

Maitri108 · 19/03/2025 20:50

The decent thing to do (apart from not shouting) is to stop when someone is upset. You don't shout at someone in tears; that's bullying.

Everyone has their own boundaries, one of mine is that I don't accept people shouting at me.

AlertCat · 19/03/2025 20:49

It’s not your fault.

I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

The common link here isn’t you, it’s the abusive men. It has to be your fault for them to excuse their own behaviour. It has to be “you made me do that” rather than “I chose to do that” because they know full well that the behaviour is unacceptable. That’s why these men rarely have “anger issues” or “lose control” when it’s their mate or their male boss. Only when it’s their wife, mum, child…

blubberyboo · 19/03/2025 20:48

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:44

Thanks everyone.

He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him. It is a "big thing" to him that I took his mother's side.

I am trying to find sympathy towards him. His family is incredibly dysfunctional, and they argue so much. I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

You didn't take his mother's side on the topic though, you simply told him not to shout.

Maybe you need to shout this at him if it's the only form of communication he understands

ForeverPombear · 19/03/2025 20:46

Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:44

Thanks everyone.

He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him. It is a "big thing" to him that I took his mother's side.

I am trying to find sympathy towards him. His family is incredibly dysfunctional, and they argue so much. I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

No OP, it's not you causing these reactions. This is all on them.

You may be choosing the wrong men but their reactions are all on them and your partner is completely in the wrong.

blubberyboo · 19/03/2025 20:46

His persistence in trying to get you to apologise is a concern for me.
He couldve acknowledged your different point of view and agreed to disagree on how he dealt with things. But this suggests he requires your full compliance and that won't get better.

At the end of the day can you be in a relationship with someone who shouts if you don't like shouting?

Original poster
Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:46

I believe he has also argued with his dad. Their family think heated discussions are acceptable and usually resolve issues. He thinks it's acceptable that he argued with his mum as now they have a solution and he can now help her sort out the house issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarrainbow · 19/03/2025 20:44

Thanks everyone.

He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him. It is a "big thing" to him that I took his mother's side.

I am trying to find sympathy towards him. His family is incredibly dysfunctional, and they argue so much. I have been in an abusive relationship before this, and he also said I pushed his buttons. I am wondering if it is me who flares up the anger. I did go quiet in the car and told him I didn't like seeing him shout his mum. I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 19/03/2025 20:44

Does he intimidate and shout at men the same way he does at women?

MesmerisingMuon · 19/03/2025 20:44

He was unkind and yelled at his own mother.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who thinks yelling at each other solves anything.

Let alone someone who then wants ME to apologise!

Jubbly2841 · 19/03/2025 20:43

In the early days of an old relationship I witnessed my ex treating his mother like this. It left me very uncomfortable, and I knew deep down it was a warning sign of things to come. I pushed it down and ignored it. After years of emotional and verbal abuse he was removed from our home by the police.

Accept what he’s told you, he thinks it’s ok to shout at women.

livelovelough24 · 19/03/2025 20:42

OP not only did you do the right thing, but you should have gone further and actually ask him to leave or help his mom out of the room. You should not have apologized to him, that is ridiculous. Totally agree with everyone, you should leave this person, you cannot thrive in this environment.

PaintDecisions · 19/03/2025 20:40

Christ no, walk away. This is him showing you exactly who he is.

Lavender14 · 19/03/2025 20:39

Op he's shown you that he is unable to communicate in a healthy respectful way, and when challenged he will take no accountability, do nothing differently, refuse to listen to you and then blame you and make it your fault which is gaslighting.

You said nothing wrong - there's no acceptable scenario where he should be shouting at any woman to the point of reducing her to tears. And over the spending of her own money on her own home? That's very controlling. Who is he to ask you to leave when his behaviour has been so out of line.

I'd be ending this relationship op so much of what is happening here is a major red flag.