Partner shouted at his mum & I interfered

Agree.

Both sides of my wider family are shouty. My parents are shouty. My siblings and I have never, ever shouted at our parents. Not out of fear, out of respect.

Poor excuse for poor behaviour.

Unless you're happy with endless confrontation, leave.

His poor mum. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who made their mum cry then got angry with someome for trying to make him stop

A five day fight where he tries to assert his right to shout at you. He’s got abuser stamped all over him.

He's gaslighting you. You know you don't want or need to apologise but he's giving you all the talk as to why you should. It makes your head spin, you don't know what to think.

You need to step away from him, have some space yourself so you can be free of his chatter, do you can think clearly yourself.

Both his Mum & you deserve better treatment from this person.
He’s horrible.

Do you really want to be with someone who is happy to make his own mother cry? He sounds like a complete arsehole. You aren't compatible, your family lives have been too different, you will never understand each other. Leave before it's too late.

Doesn't matter when you left the room or if you left, how cold hearted must he be to not feel any remorse at shouting at his own mum til she cries?

He is 100% going to treat you in future, the same way as you saw him treat his mum. He doesn't even seem to accept it was wrong or that would be unacceptable to you if he were to speak to you that way.

It would be unacceptable to me too.
Maybe I'm more sensitive than other people who do love a shouty argument (doesn't sound like his mum was though), but I don't care, that's how I am and I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm going to be yelled at and brought to tears in an argument. That's not loving.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. How sad that he finds this situation acceptable, he should be apologising to you and his mum.

And you do not “push his buttons “. He can’t control himself. That phrase is abusive.

Well he didn’t take long to practice on you the behaviour he demonstrated with his mum. Dump.

I think there is a difference between arguing with your mum and shouting at your mum that reduces her to tears

Exactly. She was in tears and he carried on yelling at her. And he still thinks he was right to do so.

The only way to escape a dysfunctional family is to decide that you are going to be better than that. That you're going to break the mould. Instead he is just continuing the pattern and justifying it

He won't change, and before you know it, he'll be yelling at you while you cry, and thinking nothing of it.

You did not cause him to shout, OP. He is abusive.
My 1st ex was abusive , and then my 2nd ex was abusive too and I obviously thought 'it's got to be me, I am the one making them abusive'. No, people can't be made into abusive people, it's just that some men are like that and you and I both got unlucky. Leave him. Don't let him do this to you.

You have basically just repeated details from your opening post, because you didn't like the replies you were getting.
We have read the opening post. Telling us again in slightly different words won't change the replies you are getting.

No, none of this is your fault.
He is abusive.
You should leave him.

Run a mile from this man. If this is how he treats his Mum, you can guarantee he’ll treat you even more badly. Run.

He's a bully and if that's his way of dealing with his mother or any female relative for that matter then you are no exception. You'll have a lifetime of arguments and silences - he's top dog, you need to show a united front and back him up regardless of what you think - in other words 'know your place'. If you said to him that in your family a man shouting at a woman would get him a warning and then a frying pan round the head would follow - would he agree to show a united front with you - no, he'd go with what he thought would solve the matter not pour petrol on it.

My ex shouted & bawled at his mum in front of our 13 year old DD and she told him off. No need for it.

He was sad that she hadn't asked him for help

So he was shouting at her? And he wonders why she didn't ask for help.

His behaviour is just a cacophony of red flags. You don't yell at someone who is having a bad time. You don't yell at someone because they didn't ask you for help.

He's shown you who he is and how he deals with things. You'll be in his mum's seat many times over if you stay with him

I think there is a difference between arguing with your mum and shouting at your mum that reduces her to tears. I argue with my husband but if we start shouting we walk away. 20 min is the time it takes the brain to recover and move away from flight fight response.

You don't "make" anyone angry. They choose their behaviours. He sounds awful. He's doubling down.

I haven't read all this thread. But it's pretty obvious that you must realise he will shout at you a lot throughout your relationship. As that seems to be normal for him.
If you want that then fine but personally I couldn't cope with being spoken to like that every time you do something he doesn't like or agree with

@Sarrainbow if you stay with him, that is the way he is going to carry on. do you really want that kind of life for yourself and any future children??? he doesnt live with his mum, so it is none of his business what she spends her money on in her house! unless, he had previously asked her if he could do said job for her then he should butt out! he is a bully trying to get his own way!!

No op, you are not the problem here.

"I didn't leave when he asked me to, which he said made him shout because I wasn't respecting that he needed space" he's a grown man, he could easily have walked away. He's responsible for his own temper and behaviours. You did not make him shout he shouted because he wanted to. And now he is blaming you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for himself.

"He said that he wants us to be a team in front of others, and the fact I went against him was what has bothered him"

Good team mates call each other out when they are getting things wrong. He was taking it way too far and you were trying to support him to deescalate the situation and have more awareness of himself. He didn't like it because shouting and bullying is easier. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you need to stand by like a meek sheep while your partner steamrollers someone- you still have your own autonomy, your own ethics, your own opinions and approaches and he should have respected you enough to see that his team mate was telling him enough was enough.

Even now that you've shared your perspective he's shutting you down and gaslighting you and he is the only person in the wrong here. Op there's no way forward with a man like this. As others have said he's showing you who he is and how he intends to be.

As a PP said, he has shown you who he is, and he is abusive. Do you want to be in his mother’s shoes 5, 10, 20 years from now? Sod that.

Dump him, walk away and don’t look back.