I’ve lost control over daughter.

You are dealing with an ND child. Pick one thing, forget the rest, for now, work on that one thing, until you have nailed it, then move on to the next thing.

Prioritise. Involve. Ignore.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, what works for NT won’t work as well for ND.

I’m also a teacher and my son has AuDHD traits (not diagnosed but family history) and I think this is very good advice. His difficult behaviour is often sensory/attention-seeking - he absolutely thrives with plenty of physical contact (hugs, strokes, sitting snuggled up) but can be extremely annoying to his brother when seeking this physical contact. We didn’t ever just send him to bed at 7 (only once he was about 12!), we’d go up and supervise bedtime and stroke him to sleep (changes falling asleep from a hour of struggle to a few minutes).

7? Sorry, but you need to get a grip and STOP her from eating/kicking etc

Can you go like very very low attention with her and literally praise only for the good stuff. And treat her quite literally like a toddler, fridge and cupboard locks, wrist strap for walking, baby gate on her bedroom door. And maybe try and get a referral for meds for her ADHD. At 7/8 is when most of the kids I worked with with ADHD started meds. Hormones might even be kicking in

Hush your own 🙂

”Very ND” 😂

If she’s easier and happier on the weekends I suspect a lot of this acting out is because she is overwhelmed and in sensory overload after school. I would meet her way school with specific snacks that she can get and eat as she walks home safely. My kids can be really hugry (hangry!) after school. Once home, no more snacks until dinner. Hide them high, lock the fridge.

Specifically engage her in something calm and give her some control of that. However counterproductive it might be. If f she is ND, she has worked very hard to be controlled and behave while at school. This is her home, her safe space to have meltdowns.

Does she have her own room or does she share?

Bore off.

I have multiple things going on. Hush yer flaps.

There may be an element of actually not really coping in school, masking that, and then it all comes out at home and she is being controlling at home because she is struggling at school.

However, regardless of why she might be behaving that way, you cannot facilitate it.

You have to stand your ground and say "no". You also need to pre-empt her.

She takes snacks without asking - you don't buy snacks.

She kicks her sister off the settee - you sit yourself next to her sister so she can't.

She won't take her uniform off - her dinner isn't served until she does.

She runs off - put her on reins or go simply walk off in a different direction.

My DS had behavioural issues and I was having conversations with him from a much younger age that if he wanted nice things to happen (snacks, treats, days out) then he behaved. If he didn't, then don't be expecting nice things.

He chose his behaviour, I chose the consequences.

She sounds like the infamous Megan from a Supernanny episode.

No such thing as “very ND”.

Remove all the intensity, all the excitement, all the drama (basically all the dopamine) from all of these encounters. Adopt a calm/bored voice and just repeat & repeat & repeat her into submission.

If she enjoys pantomiming when you have company, behave like she's barely even there and just announce to your friends 'Oh this is tantrum number 37 today, or could be 38? Not sure? Anyway, did you want a coffee?'

One important strategy is to connect woth her every day after school. It can be by listening to her and discussing her favourite topic, playing board games or joining in another activity, and being fully engaged.

Regarding bedtime - how about she gets a choice to read with a bedlamp after bedtime for a specified time?

Recommend book "Raising Lions". It's basically a guide to authoritative (that is firm, very boundaried but also warm and loving) parenting of strong willed / defiant / demand avoidant children. Some children are far more intensive to parent than others. She sounds like a tricky one! Being in charge at 7 years old will be very frightening for her, so you both stand a lot to gain by getting on top of this. Hope you are getting some support as well and wish you best of luck.

Have you explored ADHD meds?

When my child was diagnosed I signed up for a 10 week parenting course and it was really helpful. My child also does things like run off across the road. It not as simple as going after them when you have other children to consider.

School also helped me with strategies to control them and change their behaviour at home, using sand timers and the like. They were incredibly supportive and whilst they go to a mainstream school the SenCo was experienced and sympathetic.

Search out support would be my advice. Join groups with other parents who can share tips and tricks that help.

You might want to move this thread (by reporting it) as AIBU will be full of unhelpful “make them” or “be the parent” comments and that isn’t so simple with a ND child.

Loads of good advice here. We use 123 magic. You can buy the book on Amazon.

I agree with you for the ones where there’s a physical danger (the road, the sibling being kicked) but I think that using physical force for e.g. a snack being taken, is probably just going to turn into a fight and cause more harm than good. Of course she can physically overpower her 7 year old, but if she fights back then mum has to use more force and I think that actually undermines your ‘dominance’ as the parent.

This! My son (6) is autistic, suspected ADHD and he behaves in a similar way to OP's daughter - including the smugness and 'I don't need to listen to you' type behaviours. I implement all of what you are saying and it really really works. Not every time, but things are getting better. Boundaries, consequences and 'rules' can really make a difference. But I really sympathise - it is HARD!! I also think when they behave so well at school, home is their safe place - she has been masking or 'being good' all day, and then must find it hard to regulate so it all explodes at home.

Does she enjoy the attention? I have dealt with a lot of ADHD kids in the classroom but haven’t parented one myself, so definitely don’t listen to me if what I’m saying is nonsense, but I think I would try not reacting. “I don’t want to go to bed!” would elicit no other comment or action than a firm and neutral “it’s bedtime”, repeated every time she spoke until she got bored. I would not even look at her - I would carry on with what I’m doing. That might take hours the first few times but I think it would improve gradually. Then a shower of praise for compliance, however hard that might be - no rehashing of old ground, no “If you had listened to me then x y z”, just “great stuff, let’s go upstairs”. No engaging in ANY battles, just totally neutral repetition of expectations. I once had to ask a boy 37 times to come into my classroom. Eventually he got so fed up of the repetition he complied.

Also lots of exercise. White noise for overstimulation might help at bedtime too, to allow her to switch off.

Don’t be a wet lettuce OP Shes 7!
Take control and actually parent her, and discipline her (and stick to it!) when she refuses.

of course it’s bloody hard work, but you just sound like your not going to try and do anything because ‘it doesn’t work’ but that’s because you're giving up and letting her do whatever she wants. Let her scream and cry if you remove something as a punishment! Don’t be a walkover and just give in!

Im all for gentle parenting, but it sounds like your not doing any parenting at all!

No.

I'm very ND, and this kind of behaviour is crap parenting and testing boundaries.

I agree with some other posters, some of these things should be reasonably easy to fix (some others possibly not so much).
The snacks seems such an easy thing to sort. You take away from her and you store all snacks out of reach.

I struggle to believe she does not care about anything. She surely enjoys and likes some things? If she likes TV, wouldn't a consecuence of having no TV for a week work?

It's going to be a pain in the arse and require consistent effort but in the long term this will help, she's still so young and you do not want her entering teenage years feeling she can do exactly what she wants.

So far all that's happened is she's been proven right, she CAN do whatever she wants at anyone's expense. Time to put hard boundaries in now and solid consequence, which will be a fight at first. She takes something to eat, take it off her. If she's very unruly just keep healthy food ingredients in the fridge, nothing snackable. Hard I know :( When she's a shit to her sister on the sofa, she gets off and sister sits back down. You can take her off by gently but firmly lifting her at that age if she really pushes it.

Its going to be hard because those consequences will affect her siblings and she might thrive off the attention and the negative effect it has on them. Time to reward them for their good behaviour too, and if she feels it's unfair she will hopefully draw parallels between their behaviour and hers. She has a reason for this behavior with her ADHD but it's not something that will be good for her long term.

I think you should get outside advice. Speak to her headteacher at school in the first instance. I'm so sorry it must be hard on all of you.

Absolutely not. If she gets hit by a car then two families are traumatised. Yours and that of the driver. I suspect she'll stop running off should you own and use a set of reins.