I’ve lost control over daughter.

OP you're getting a hard time on this thread but I think the above could be good advice

Also, pick your battles. Does she need to get changed after school? Why can't she wear uniform for the rest of the day?

And if she has ADHD could she be struggling at home because she's worked so hard to keep it together in school?

But you do need a strategy to deal with this "she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name" as this is a danger to herself and other road users

^ THIS ^

Get a bloody grip, she’s 7. You’re allowing her to run rings round you and bully and assault her siblings.

You're getting a lot of stick here from people who clearly haven't got children with ASD/ADHD/ODD/PDA. We do and we had terrible problems with DS from about 6-11. Honestly nothing worked. We'd tell him firmly, he'd smirk and do it anyway. We'd threaten no screen time etc, he'd completely ignore us. We'd try to physically march him to his room, he'd hit and kick us. He would also have the most almighty meltdowns, laying on the floor kicking and screaming, or kicking walls and furniture or smacking his head against the wall. He's broken 2 doors, a door frame, the fridge door, loads of smaller items, we were always bruised. If he was cross or upset when we were out (usually because I'd told him to stop antagonising his sister) he'd run off down the road away from me and every time I moved towards him he'd just move further away.

All the pp saying just be firm have got no idea. I've also got a DD who rarely acts up and responds to ordinary firm parenting when she does.

My DS is 12 now and in the last year-ish there's far less conflict than there used to be (although he still has his moments!) but it's taken a lot of work from us all. We've had CAMHS behavioural support, he has counselling at school, and is also now medicated for ADHD (Medikinet XL). We've learnt that he always needs to know ahead of time what's going to happen and what the expectations are. We give him choices where possible. We preempt certain situations and give really clear instructions. DH and I both have quite a bit of 1:1 time with him. Lots and lots of talking (when he's calm).

So OP, there's no easy answer, it takes a lot of work and a lot of support, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

As others have said normal parent strategies do not work for adhd kids I have an adhd DD. Look up books and web sites about it. Meds are a game changer too

I was going to say this, as adhd is often comorbid with other neurodivergent conditions. I suspect that if the usual behaviour management strategies aren't working then you may have more success with ND ones instead. Given that her behaviour is demand avoidant, you could perhaps look at the strategies suggested on the PDA website. The Explosive Child is a really helpful book to read too.

She actually sounds like my then 6yo dd when she was near rock bottom, which preceeded a complete shutdown of normal daily functioning. Anxiety and PDA can often look similar, too - so even if she doesn't have PDA, those strategies may help improve things in the meantime.

You may get better advice on the SN boards tbh. On here you'll get lots of people with no experience of ND telling you to do just take control and stamp your authority. At the start of my journey with dd I listened to all those voices which invariably escalated her behaviour. Our relationship became terrible, which fed the cycle. At points, I said I'd have given her up for adoption.

Two years on and we're so close again, she has my heart and soul. She hasn't turned into the monster I feared - she is kind, loving, funny, listens and shares well and respects boundaries (mostly!) But it wasn't without a lot of hard work to keep her anxiety low and some of the parenting strategies feel counterintuitive. Chances are, if you have other dc who are well behaved, then the problem is not your parenting. All behaviour is communication.

People who don’t have children with ADHD don’t realise that the usual behaviour strategies simply don’t work!

I get it OP. Try and find a course, local or online, about dealing with ADHD, it did help me.

DS is now a young adult, but things we’ve done over the years which have helped:
we don’t buy snacks, treats are only for Saturday and or Sunday and they are earned

lots of physical exercise

when behaving well, show a huge amount of attention, smiles, laugh, dance, etc

when calm, show lots of love, strong hugs, so that they feel secure

when not behaving don’t react or give too much attention, any attention even negative is what they want

however, there needs to be a consequence for all type of negative behaviour, it needs to be something you can control, but you need to be very consistent

don’t give your kids crap processed food with sweetners, etc

good luck and don’t give up! I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel!

A lot of people here don't have children with autism/address. Itvis just so exhausting, draining and soul destroying.

I’m not saying I totally disagree with those people saying pick battles, focus on one issue only, try using low demand strategies etc.

But, some of these issues have to be dealt with immediately and there’s no time to faff about. Like running across the road. And kicking her sister repeatedly. No child should be just running across a road. It’s dangerous for many people. Not only could the child get hurt she could cause an accident which could hurt or even kill someone else if a driver was to swerve. This has to be dealt with immediately. And kicking her sister repeatedly isn’t a good way for her sister to grow up. It could permanently ruin the relationship between the mother and daughter if the daughter feels she’s not being helped or ever prioritised. No one should be physically hurt on a regular basis especially in their own home where they should be safe.

What is this? My son acts like this but I’ve never heard of equalising behaviour

I came to say the same thing. I do this with my 6 year old with adhd. It works.
However, I could be reading your post wrong but do you take the snack back, do you remove her from the seat, do you force her to hold your hand until she has shown she can be trusted? Unfortunately it is draining but you need to do it. Now. Because the issues will.onky grow as she gets older if when she pushes back you don't follow through with a consequence.
I would also say straight after school is outside play, or an indoor active game straight away with a snack. Consider having a snack to eat on the way home from school.

Underreacting, that should read.

Underrating??? So the sibling just gets kicked repeatedly? No.

Yes, I would absolutely do this. Reins on the very next time after she bolts if you can’t hold her hand or wrist. Remove snacks she’s not allowed to have and put a lock on the fridge if needed. Physically remove her after she kicks her sibling on the sofa.

Go to the PDA website and look up the PANDA strategies.

The books 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child also have good strategies.

Simply becoming more authoritarian with a child like this is unlikely to work.

Op this sounds like it could be dopamine seeking behaviours, esp since its mostly after school. She spends all day working to stay on track at school and feels like you're her safe place. Unfortunately for you and her siblings her trying to regulate and rebalance is coming out in ways that aren't kind or safe, because the reaction is what is feeding her. Obviously easier said than done, but maybe under reacting to the naughtiness might help? As others have said it also fits the PDA profile so definitely look into that.

OP I feel you, I really do. I have a very similar DC and it's exhausting. I do think you need to regain some control to make yourself feel better and the pp is right, taking things off her, physically removing her if she kicks sibling etc.

It feels like a constant battle i know that all too well but perhaps she needs a new after school routine? Some connection with you?

This is usually good advice for most DCs but terrible advice (apart from the last point) if op's DD has pathological demand avoidance PDA, which could be the case as she is ND.

Op have a look through this website and see if you recognise your dd
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda/autism-and-pda/
And search on mn as it's been mentioned quite recently.

Is she medicated?
If not why not?

How is her behaviour in school? If she is acting this way only at home, look at ways you can invoke a routine to take away some of the battles - for example snacks can be offered/laid out ready for them after school. Fridge lock so she can't just help herself. TV time only once she has changed out of her uniform, have her comfy clothes already laid out to change into. TV goes off at bedtime, take her upstairs and have a routine - shower, teeth brushing, stories, bed. Don't argue, persuade or engage, just reiterate it's bedtime now and repeat as many times as necessary. You need to be prepared to stick to your guns and be persistent until she realises you're not backing down.

I would have zero tolerance of any kicking/hitting of her siblings - you need to nip this in the bud before she gets older and stronger. Time out in another room, removal of TV time or tablet or whatever is of high value to her. You say she's not bothered by removal of privileges but remember just because she doesn't show it, it will still register.

I think with ADHD you have to have a reliable routine and a calm consistent approach. You will have to be firm and persistent - you can't give up and let her have her own way. It's your job to parent no matter how hard it is. If you feel you need more support, ask your GP for a referral to child psychology. Read up on parenting for ADHD for helpful strategies.

I read and understand all of the advice around being firm but if your child is anything like mine, the slightest hint of a parenting demand usually results in an explosive meltdown of many hours. We persevere but it’s so, so hard. It’s parenting in a different realm!

Try building in more rewards, and also practical solutions like a lockbox or fridge lock on the food she takes. My DC who's like that is only 4, but we do a lot of rewards that can be taken away. For example, if he doesn't behave appropriately at the table then he doesn't get the TV show afterwards. Getting into trouble can be exciting and give a dopamine hit. You need a reward that replaces that feeling. Also if you can't get to the snacks then you don't have to resist the urge to take them after resisting your impulses all day.

It is hard, OP. I sympathise with that worn out feeling.

This!
The explosive child book helped me with it. And also while you are working through behaviours one at a time (I’d do violence and maybe running away then sleep) make meals very very easy so you and DH can focus all your attention on parenting. And take turns for each parent letting loose at night. It is as intensive as potty training. If you’re dropping the snack issue while you work on violence, pre discuss that you will fix it later so it isn’t confusing

I love how easy some people think it is
I have a 19 year old with ADHD ASD he actually has PDA
A 12 yr old son suspected adhd and a 9 year old with suspected adhd
My 9 year old would do some of that but if I tried to pick her up she would be throwing fists kicking screaming banging and it wouldn’t be a 10 minute tantrum it will go on for hours
she also hardly sleeps
I try to ignore the bad behaviour and overly praise the good behaviour
I try to anyway I wish it was that easy
so I feel for you Op is your child medicated could that be a way
Could your daughter could be masking at school
we think this is the issue with my child
As the school see no problems with her

I disagree with @BlumminFreezin

I think you need to lay down the line but some people don't get how stubborn some kids are. DD used to refuse to leave the house around age 5 and on here I got a lot of 'she's the child, make her' stuff but it's not physically possible. She'd kick, scream, scratch, and not give in.

I'd impose consequences but not physical ones. So TV goes off if she won't move on sofa. No dinner if she takes snack when you say no. Remove treats if she misbehaves on road etc.

DD also needs time to cool off, sometimes she needs to fume for a while then you can sort it if you time it right. Up til then there's zero point trying.

I agree with this approach. She is 7. If you can't make her behave now it will get worse with age. If she likes TV say once you've changed out of uniform you can have TV. If she refuses, no TV. You have to gain the parent roll.