I’ve lost control over daughter.

No experience with adhd but this sounds like good advice.

I’d work on all the stuff you mention but does she really have to get out of uniform? Sounds like more struggle, I’m not sure why it’s important.

Your attitude about giving up is definitely seen by her even if you think it's not, often middle childs feel neglected in comparison to there siblings and can act out. This could be a form of attention seeking, you need to take control but also show compassion to her, take her for mother and daughter days out just you 2 alone.

Taking control at first may be difficult as she is probably used to getting away without punishment but you need to be persistent.

She's probably working/masking really hard to be "perfectly behaved at school" so by the time she gets home she needs to blow her top. How about some kind of vigorous physical after-school activity (swimming, gymnastics, trampolining) so she can burn some of this off? Maybe sit down and say this to her, she may not even realise herself why she's doing this. Try hugging her when she's being a pain. Good luck.

Sorry just seen the DD has ADHD? Ignore me.

Does she take medication

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

Quite. When I was working in schools I never had any problem getting arsey 16 year old boys to do as they were bloody told. I'd eat an arsey 7 year old for breakfast!

The OL hasn't lost control, she's just rolled over and given it up.

All the comments saying "just take control" are really unhelpful. I don't disagree about firm boundaries, but it's quite a hard age, and she has a lot of siblings so I wonder if she might also benefit from a bit more love and attention. Being a shouty tyrant is not the answer, despite what some commenters would have you believe. Read about Oliver James' ideas about love bombing. Good luck.

Don't buy the snacks

If she has already been diagnosed with ADHD as a 7 year old girl who is well behaved at school then she clearly shows quite strong other symptoms.

Have you considered ADHD medication? It is not a light decision but she sounds similar to a friend’s child (also ADHD and also tall and strong) and medication was a real turning point.

She's 7, ffs. I thought when I started reading she'd be about 17. Stop surrendering ground to a 7 year old child for Heaven's Sake. You haven't lost control, you've stopped even trying. You've got the power here, not her so pull yourself together.

Agree with all of this @joiningdave

I thought she was a teenager the way you were describing your reaction to her . You have to get some sense of control or discipline now. take some parenting classes if necessary but get firmer - watch Super Nanny!
You make her do those things…. BUT I would add - in equal measure - reward the good and improve your bond at the same time!! You can’t just be strict or it doesn’t work.
She may be doing for attention.
Can you play board games all together? Do fun quizzes? Play hide and seek? If you all laugh together and have fun, cook with them, then when you’re cross, or ignore her when she’s irritating - it will be more impactful. If you’re always half nagging and then ignoring her when she’s good cos it’s a bit of peace then the bond deteriorates.
im prepared to bet that things will really improve if you get stricter/ firmer combined with increase in fun, games and laughter..

Sometimes shouting and reading the riot act don't help.
Talk to her. Explain how this is effecting you.
Explain that if we all get along and behave nicely we can do nicer things... if we are fighting... we stay at home having a crap time.
Ask her how she would feel if her sisters were rude to you...
Ask her why she is well behaved at school.
Kids are smart and they don't want to hurt us.

Is there a park or other area close to school where you can take the kids for a short while to burn energy before heading home?

I used to pick my child up by car and deliberately park some distance away on the same side of the road so she could run off the stress of school.

Agree with all of this. But for the walking home I'd get some reins and carry them with you "walk nicely, if you can't ill have to put the reins on you to keep you safe"

You can't just let her run in the road, she'll get killed by a car.

You just need to reinforce the boundaries. If I'd said no to a snack and my child got one anyway, I'd be taking it off them and putting them on the naughty step. (But you do need to address thr actual issue of them being hungry by anticipating the need and making sure there is acceptable food at an acceptable time. Like saying get changed and I'll make your snack).

Won't get changed? Fine, no weekend clothes for you.

Runs off? Threatened with reins to walk home a baby. And threat carried out if necessary.

Won't pass stuff or go to bed - every minute it carries on will he timed and taken off of her next trip, whether that's a birthday party in 2 weeks or leaving the cinema early.

I think you need to reframe some of the things she is taking for granted as treats/privileges.

Watching tv is a privilege - if you kick your sister you lose the privilege. I have much better behaviour from my ADHD son when the tv isn't in the mix. Maybe take it away altogether or reduce it to a weekend treat?

Freedom to walk ahead is a privilege - if you run off, you have to hold mummy's hand for 2 minutes until I can trust you to walk nicely again. If she argues, increase the time.

Another way for walking nicely is to play games (eg. Eye spy, 20 questions, Yes/No game, or tell stories, jokes or riddles) so that she might be more motivated to hear what you are saying than run around like a wild thing).

Look at what snacks are available. If it is fruit/something healthy, I would let it go. If she is grabbing family packs of Mars bars then you need to take it out of her hand.

I would also spell out what the expectation is beforehand very clearly. "When we get home, I want you to go upstairs and lay on your bed for 5 minutes" (gives her a moment to decompress and transition from the school day into the home day). "Once you've decided what you want to wear, get changed and come downstairs and we can have a drink and a snack".

Good luck 🍀

This is true - though DS is our first (and only!) child.

But I'd look at nieces and nephews and look at DS and just think we were terrible parents - yet at the same time when he wasn't dysregulated we were often complimented on what a polite, well behaved, delightful child we had raised.

But disciplining was a nightmare, the meltdowns were distressing (though not so painful when he was very young and more easily restrained), and I was very worried about his social skills.

Things that worked for us -

Pick your battles - the changing out of uniform, is that really necessary? Or is it just causing conflict for no benefit? I'd say it's generally better to focus on non negotiables such as road safety and not harming others.

DS (autistic) used to be like this after school as he'd been masking all day. A snack straight out of school often helped, it also means you can control what the snack is. Keep snacks in the house out of reach/hidden.

Try to work out what the actual issue is, so refusing to go to bed, is it attention seeking or something else - DS refused to go to bed, and when I thought about it I didn't blame him, he'd go up at 8pm and wouldn't go to sleep until gone midnight/1am. I couldn't blame him for not wanting to be in his room for four or five hours or longer not sleeping. To be honest, being prescribed melatonin and the resulting improvement in sleep has really helped with a lot of the other behavioural issues.

Is there any help available? Whether extra ELSA sessions in school, or anything outside of school she could be referred to that would help with emotional regulation. We were referred through the local Families First Advice Line to a local service that ran a group DS attended once a week after school for a term and it helped hugely with his behaviour - that and the melatonin were the two things that had the greatest impact.

There's quite a lot in here. She likely is ashamed about her behaviour and how it impacts on you, which is something else that feeds the cycle. They often know how they should behave, but lack the control and inhibition to react differently. This will be magnified ten-fold by your own reactions.

She is also likely masking at school and unloading on you at home, which is very common in ND girls in particular. Coke Bottle effect is very real.

You say she's deliberately unhelpful, but is she really or are you projecting your own adult thoughts, feelings and perceptions into the situation? Could she be craving your attention, because she feels safer as a result?

I echo what the pp said about talking to children about their neurodivergence to help them understand themselves and their reactions better. I often use my own feelings and experiences to explain her own reactions to my dd because she lacks interoception and emotional literacy. This helps her feel less alone in coping with the world as she knows she has an ally who understands how she feels, and is reassured that everyone feels strong feelings, but we differ in how we react to that.

Finally, does she have an ehcp in place? You may find that if her needs were better managed at school, he behaviour at home would improve.

Have you told her that she is, and that you are, ND? Children need to understand themselves why they find things difficult and overwhelming. Arm her with the understanding that when she feels this way you know what state she is in and you can come up with ways together to tackle it.

I’ll never understand why parents hide these things from their kid. They need to understand themselves just as much if not more than we need to understand them.

In a nutshell, behaviour or actions stemming from a perceived loss of autonomy or inequality, often triggered by expectations or standards which feel overwhelming to a person with PDA. The behaviours are an instinctive to “restore balance”. It’s anxiety based. Obviously it doesn’t explain all behaviours of this kind, it’s very possible that it’s disobedience stemming from something else. But worth some investigating when dealing with ND children.

Well no, often ND children require a different set of strategies- in a lot of cases the usual methods just do not work in the same way.

Parents then often feel like they are indeed crap at parenting when no amount of firm boundaries, discipline and consequences is working.

NT children are pretty easy to parent IMO. Many of us have a neurotypical child first and find it a breeze in terms of implementing boundaries and rules and having well-behaved children. Then your second is ND and none of this works and you’re wondering what the hell you’re doing wrong.

OP it sounds incredibly tough I would probably seek some help and advice from SEN-specific spaces, parents or other children with ADHD may have some suitable advice and tips for you 💐

I don't know, something just seems a bit off with this thread. It feels like you don't like your daughter that much and she's the 'problem' child. Which is sad.

Reach out for support. I think the two of you need help to work things through together otherwise the trajectory for your poor dd is not good.