AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

My parents were teenagers when they had me. They lived with my mother’s parents for three years whilst working full time and saving for their own home. I don’t know if they contributed financially, although I’m sure they would have made a small contribution. I know it’s a different time and my grandmother was able to look after me when my mother was at work, but maybe if your son’s girlfriend could work and save then there would be some light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Can't get over everyone thinking the son is the problem, yes he should help but also works all day and into the evening while the GF is sat on her arse on her phone all day, she should have some respect for the OP and help with housework ect and look after the baby like any stay at home mum should do,

Completely agree with this. My parents would never have tolerated this behaviour.

You say rent is not an issue but it really is. If they live with you for free there is no incentive for them to move out. My parents charged us rent when we lived at home as adults if we were not in full time education. It wasn’t the market rate but it is an important step into adulthood - you need to support yourself whatever that entails.

I would also make my expectations clear about them moving out. They need to apply for council housing and look at rental options.

This can all be done calmly and with love. It need not ruin your relationship with them but they are grown ups now, they have their own family, and they all need to move out. Until then, establish the ground rules.

But he’s not contributing to the household at all, so that’s not in any way responsible is it? Expecting his parents to pay for HIS family?

Then put your foot down. They are adults, treat them as adults.

He's working 2 jobs so maybe there is some commute time between jobs, but I do agree, if he is paying no keep then he should be earning a fair bit.

A lot of people on here saying the son should pull his fair share but Op mentioned he’s taken on an extra job. Does the GF work or is she on maternity leave still?

So, if they aren't paying for anything...I'm going to put it out there and ask who has £1600 a month disposable income .... I'm guessing they would be in the minority of their peers.

I also think this is the best solution, OP.

You say he is out at work 13 hours per day (8-9) presumably 5 days per week as you didn't specify. Even if he only did 37.5 hours minimum wage he would be on £457.88/ week, over £1800 per month. But it must be more for him to be out for so long each day, even on an hour commute and an hour lunch that's 50 hours per week, so minimum £2500 per month.
You are charging him zero because he "can't afford it".

A studio will be under £1000, bills and food another £1000. He can absolutely afford it.

I'd talk to them both together, nothing can be lost in the translation that way. They should be significantly contributing to your utility bills as a minimum. Then she needs to do more than sit around chatting to her friends (obviously)
where is all his money going, I hope not on going out, takeaways and accessories for a fancy car.

yes I would kick them out and they can present themselves as homeless at the council if it comes to it. I too suspect the girl is bone idle and selfish which is why her parents got sick of it and turned her out. That's a big step to take even in a possibly dysfunctional family.

So you son is working full time (but seems like more hours?) so should be getting £23k per year minimum. Add to this child benefit which is £1063.20 (tax free) per year... So £24k and that's before any other benefits or anything that his girlfriend might be doing to earn money. So, that's over £1600 per month.

Based on minimum wage and standard hours.

He's out of the house working for 13 hours a day. That sounds quite responsible to me.

I think you need to sit the both down and go over your expectations. They are both adults and need to behave like one. Do a rota between you all, including times you will help out with your GS or you will never get them to stand on their own 2 feet, she sounds to comfortable.

You need to sit down with your son and explain how unhappy you are with the current situation, and that he has to have a serious talk with his gf about her lack of contribution to the household. Insist that a condition of them living with you is that she helps around the house, and gives you some space.

Ask him how much money he’s earning and work out a housing/living budget with him. Find out what benefits they would be entitled to if they moved out. Give them a deadline for moving out, and in the meantime charge them a nominal rent and a contribution to household bills etc.

Tell him you love him, and that you know it will be hard but at 24 he’s got himself into this situation and it’s up to him to sort it out!

And do you have an opinion on the girlfriend, who's not working and not helping out at all?

If his girlfriend is doing nothing why does he need to do anything before leaving for a long day working? I know this is the MN mantra, 50/50 etc but this would be expecting him to far more and also hold down a job.

What conversations have you already had with her about all this?

I ask because I too have this issue with my ds who is 20 and I have asked him over and over to clean up and behave like he's part of the household community. No response.

So what's been discussed?

Why didn’t they get married with a child on the way?

because it's not the 1950s?

Because this isn't 1950?

My very first thought!

Why is OP being held responsible for the father bonding with the baby? He made the baby and now he needs to take care of the baby and his family. OP is not only housing and feeding them but is now responsible for sorting out bonding time for the parents? Wow.

Does she realise what needs to be done around the house? If she has never lived out of her parents house she might have just had everything done for her and not realise exactly what needs doing or how to do it, and with you there to do things now, she isn't having to learn.

Perhaps start by saying "help me sort/wash/hang/fold the laundry" or "help me plan the shopping list/cook dinner" and when you know she can do it, then establish a rota where she is responsible for cooking on certain days or for cleaning certain rooms etc.

I would break it down for her - yes, it might be annoying, but ultimately it will benefit your grandchild if she knows how to cook nice meals and keep a basic level of cleanliness in the home.

Why didn’t they get married with a child on the way? What is her age? Do you think the relationship is going to last?

How is your son able to bond with the baby if he is out so long every day? Don't you want him to get to spend more time with the baby? Him having to work that much is a bit heartbreaking to me. If it was my son I would give him a break and stop being so focused on money. Not sure what to do about the lazy dil though.