To also not be flexible with friends ?

Why are you calling making a plan “treatment”. I am also a fancy free person.

I have planner friends. do not think them wanting to plan things with me is a hostile act. I usually agree and they send me a calendar invite and then remind me 2 weeks before as I forget.

if you want to go, then go. But doing tit for tat when someone is acting how you prefer is weird and unnecessarily hostile. These are your friends why assume bad faith?

so they happen to be busy, why are you criticising that?

I think I get this. In essence, these people like to be ultra regimented and plan in advance to suit themselves. But they don't mind being flexible when it also suits them, as long as they're not the ones being inconvenienced due to the lack of planning (because it doesn't impact them).

What would you do if you had more notice? Is the issue psychological (long car trip, annoyance over the plan being sprung onto you, double standards...), in which case I might suggest that you're cutting off your nose to spite your face if you usually enjoy spending time with these people?
Or is the issue practical (do you usually do the long drive in one day or would you usually find somewhere to stay?), in which case I'd suggest pushing back "let's plan a mutually convenient date"?

Yab massively unreasonable.
Mainly because it's not really YOUR friend, it's your DHs, so you are being petty snd weird because you are incapable of planning ahead and preventing him from seeing his friends.

I wouldn't want to drive 4 hours each way go visit anyone really, but it doesn't sound like the distance is the main reason, you would do it if it was a fellow 'spontaneous' person, you are just annoyed that these aren't usually.
And as to adding you to their plans on Sunday..... do you know whst they are doing? So many things that would be weird to tag along too, like taking the kids to gparents etc.

Given it doesn't seem you really want to see either of them and it's an inconvenient trip why don't you suggest DH goes alone? Would make more sense for him to meet his friend somewhere half way and do something there anyway.

It doesn't sound like you're flexible at all. People have things in the diary because there are kids parties, family big birthdays, weddings, trips away, concerts, booked days out etc. Some things can be moved and other things can't. If DH has a friend who decides to come then great, but they can't necessarily fit in with everything else that might be scheduled. You could get a hotel or AirBNB and entertain yourselves for one day.

These are your DH's friends. It's fine that you don't like any of them, but it would be healthier to just say "I don't like them" than to have all this silliness about not going because they are only free one day.

You don't like to make plans too far in advance.

A plan has been made for not too far in advance...

And you don't like it?

Should your husband have asked you on the day instead?

I don't get it 😂

If I'm reading this right. You don't like to plan ahead. That's fine. Your friends like to plan ahead. That's fine. Your husband proposes a last minute trip. Your friends have plans. You're miffed because they won't change them for your visit. That's daft.

You're contradicting yourself...you dont like having plans and want to be the "fancy free one" thats how you choose to live Presumably friends wouldnt do the journey without having it planned for a while as they are not as spontaneous and like to have a plan... saying that they wouldnt do the same for you...well no but you like how you dont plan, they do like a plan

Anyway you dont fancy it this weekend...dont go. Let dh do the trip on his own with the kids and you stay home

Because you’re the one insisting on keeping things open and flexible until the last minute so you don’t feel “suffocated” perhaps.

Fine if you don’t want to go but you sound very confrontational (“not my friend”, “the same treatment”). You’ve chosen to run your life a certain way but frankly it doesn’t sound like it’s making you at all happy.

So the gist is, you don't like to plan ahead, but are annoyed that someone else does, and therefore is not free on the Sunday of this weekend, that you wanted them to be free on both the Saturday and the Sunday? By all means don't plan far ahead if you don't want to, but you can't really expect others to do the same.

On a side note, do you never take advantage of cheaper ticket and travel prices for advance booking, nor take up opportunities for limited supply tickets etc that need to be purchased ahead of time? I find that quite unusual, as someone who has tickets for a special event in December. Do you never do these type of things?

It actually sounds as if it’s you who is ‘inflexible’ in this case!

Planning something ‘weeks ahead’ is not ‘inflexible’. It’s what most of us would agree as being organised with time…which actually allows more ‘flexibility’.

There’s nothing wrong with spontaneity either…one does not exclude the other. You can be both organised and spontaneous. Which gives the best of all worlds.

Change the narrative OP…use the words ‘organised’ and ‘spontaneous’ rather than ‘flexible’ and ‘inflexible’ (which you are using to ‘prove’ that your way is better than theirs…it isn’t! You can be both and enjoy many more things/events in your life!)

I don’t think she’s flexible at all!

But you are the exact same, just the opposite. They are probably thinking, why won’t she ever just book something in!? What is her problem? They probably think you’re waiting for something better and that’s why you don’t commit.

Because they are planners, as you explained.
You never plan in return! Why must others change to suit you?

People are different, and that's fine if you can accept yourself and live your way. If you are flexible, get on and be happy being flexible.

OP you just asked "But why should I always be the flexible one?"

.....because you've made it VERY clear that's how you like to live your life and you don't like to plan ahead!

Look either be "fancy free" as you call it or don't. But you can't dictate how other people run their social lives.

It sounds like you need some "fancy free" friends and then you'll feel more at home. Why don't you focus on finding/making some friends who have the same opinion of forward planning as you do? You'll probably be much happier.

I agree with the first post @Agix

i feel the same as you op but I just put 19th October in the calendar and forget about it until the month rolls round.

re this weekend if you feel strongly i’d tell your DH to have a nice time and remember water and snacks for the kids.
send him with the kids and have a day to yourself….

YABU

It's fine not to be a planner by choice. But you have to accept the consequences! In this case it is that your choice is either see the couple for a short time or not see them, because you have asked late.

They must want to see you to fit you in.

If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around. This is completely unreasonable - they have arrangements with others already made.

there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? This is illogical - I thought the whole point was you're not a planner?

Never ever ever do something just because someone else does it. (or doesn't)

Make your own mind up about stuff.

You say you don't want to plan things in advance, but you also don't want to do things last minute. You need to tell your husband what your "goldilocks zone" is for making plans. I don't think that you are as flexible as you think you are.

Do you avoid making plans in case you get a better offer? That's what I assume when people won't commit and say "We don't know what we are doing yet" etc. That they are holding out in case something better comes along.

Did they invite you? You said you don’t like planning ahead, your husband knows this so hasn’t planned ahead. How do they know if you’re being fancy free or not that weekend??