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Original poster

To also not be flexible with friends ?

189 replies

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:29

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2025 07:20

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 07:15

Well anyway ! I’m definitely not going. And as for future meet ups, I need 6 months notice, like they do. That’s how I roll with people who need 6 months notice. So yeah I’m flexible with the flexible ones, rigid and uptight with others, just how they like it I guess !

Why did you even post on a message board called Am I Being Unreasonable?

You’re so rigid and inflexible in your thinking that you won’t even consider counter responses to your entrenched views and simply repeat yourself over and over.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 19/03/2025 07:18

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

You sound exhausting

Acc0untant · 19/03/2025 07:18

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 07:15

Well anyway ! I’m definitely not going. And as for future meet ups, I need 6 months notice, like they do. That’s how I roll with people who need 6 months notice. So yeah I’m flexible with the flexible ones, rigid and uptight with others, just how they like it I guess !

Sounds like you're neither flexible or inflexible.. just petty.

curious79 · 19/03/2025 07:17

Drive four hours on a whim and they’re not putting you up or providing eg a Sunday roast before the long drive back. Fat no from me

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 07:15

Well anyway ! I’m definitely not going. And as for future meet ups, I need 6 months notice, like they do. That’s how I roll with people who need 6 months notice. So yeah I’m flexible with the flexible ones, rigid and uptight with others, just how they like it I guess !

OP posts:
Fagli · 19/03/2025 07:14

You sound very inflexible and not as carefree as you’re trying to make out. If you don’t want to commit to plans don’t, it doesn’t matter if they are tomorrow or in a month, if you don’t want to go then say so. I’m not sure why the organisation skills of other people are of concern to you? If someone asks if you want to go to the cinema in two weeks and you don’t want to commit, then just say no. You seem very invested in your husband’s friend’s lives, can’t you leave the planning up to him, you don’t have to control everything.

Theworldisinyourhands · 19/03/2025 07:13

Wtf is wrong with you?! Tbh it just sounds to me like you're full of your own self-importance. Most people's lives are busy so either you accept planning ahead and are respectful of the commitments you make or you accept that being spontaneous means that... (shock horror!) .... your friends might have commitments that are more important than you. You probably need to get over yourself and accept that people won't want to socialise with you if you're this hard work.

Thewholeplaceglitters · 19/03/2025 07:13

Urgh I have a family member like this. Refuses to make plans in advance when you try to then gets really pissy when you aren’t available exactly as they want you to be last minute.

OP YABU to make this all about the wives. If you don’t want to go, don’t go but it’s you who is the inflexible one. You won’t agree to making plans then when they try to do something last minute that doesn’t suit you either.

LoveWine123 · 19/03/2025 07:11

Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2025 07:10

Tbf, if my husband had other wives, I might fixate on them too. 😀

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2025 07:10

NerrSnerr · 19/03/2025 07:04

Im not sure why you're fixating so much on your husband's wives? Let your husband arrange his social life with his friends, if you're invited and want to go to any of these meet ups then go, if you don't want to then don't. I don't see what they have don't wrong. Either stay in a premier inn and do something yourself on Sunday or don't. You're making a massive deal out of nothing.

Tbf, if my husband had other wives, I might fixate on them too. 😀

growinguptobreakingdown · 19/03/2025 07:09

With kids, their activities, family, other friends, 50ths, university visits, holidays, school fetes, dance shows...all the stuff that comes with being a grown up ... I wouldn't see anyone if I didn't plan.If someone "fancy free" sprung a visit on me at the weekend I wouldn't be free. My 20s and teens were more flexible but that's not possible now.

DaniMontyRae · 19/03/2025 07:08

You aren't flexible. You rigidly stick to not making plans far in advance and get annoyed with people who act differently.

cait967 · 19/03/2025 07:07

Most people have limited free time. Yes it’s also to be able to decide (oh let’s have everyone round tomorrow for a bbq). However that’s not real life. People have commitments, grandparents to see, kids football match, kids gymnastics competitions, birthday parties, weddings, diy! It’s just not possible to always be fancy free

UndermyShoeJoe · 19/03/2025 07:07

So the plan things a month or two in advance people husband have just made a fuck it let’s get together Saturday plan you know fancy and free but that’s still not good enough because you can have a whole weekend where as if it was planned in advance by the men folk the whole weekend could of been free.

Togglebullets · 19/03/2025 07:04

I don't get it either. On this occasion they are being more flexible and spontaneous. It sounds like they can't win. If you don't like these people it's fine, you don't have to be friends with your husband's friends wives. You don't have to make up weird bullshit reasons for it. Sometimes people just don't gel.

NerrSnerr · 19/03/2025 07:04

Im not sure why you're fixating so much on your husband's wives? Let your husband arrange his social life with his friends, if you're invited and want to go to any of these meet ups then go, if you don't want to then don't. I don't see what they have don't wrong. Either stay in a premier inn and do something yourself on Sunday or don't. You're making a massive deal out of nothing.

beAsensible1 · 19/03/2025 07:01

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:49

I don’t ask people to change for me.. I just match their vibe in this case. What’s wrong with that ? Why should I put myself and my kids out when they’d never do that for us at such short notice ? I have plenty of friends who would be flexible and do it for us and I would do it for them in return. That’s all I’m saying. They don’t need to change but I don’t need to be flexible for them either.

This doesn’t make any sense. Why do people need to be flexible in return?

they are treating you how you like to be treated and you are turning it into a battle for reciprocity

Newmumburnout · 19/03/2025 07:01

Sorry yabu
You don't like it when it's planned in advance
You don't like it when it's spontaneous

However, ignoring the above. I would not drive ,4 hrs there and back . Nope

jolies1 · 19/03/2025 07:00

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:56

I can guarantee that these wives are super spontaneous with people they care about, but super long winded with husbands friends as they can’t be arsed !

Well that’s… fine then?

The husbands are friends, they make the plans and arrangements, if you feel like it, you go? If you don’t want to go, you don’t? As long as everyone’s wives are polite in mixed company there’s no obligation for you all to be friends. I really like my husbands friends wives & enjoy seeing them when we do but we aren’t very close - obviously the main thing we have in common is our husbands!

Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2025 07:00

CavaInTheSun · 19/03/2025 06:54

You don't like to make plans too far in advance.

A plan has been made for not too far in advance...

And you don't like it?

Should your husband have asked you on the day instead?

I don't get it 😂

This. ⬆️⬆️⬆️

To also not be flexible with friends ?
LoveWine123 · 19/03/2025 06:59

It seems to me the issue you bring up here doesn’t have anything to do with this particular invite. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder about being fancy free and not making plans and seem to detest the other wives because they are not like you and want to plan in advance. By the way both planning in advance and not planning at all are about control so you are not all that different to them. Both ways of living are absolutely fine (to me) but it seems like you have an issue with them. Are you really as fancy free as you claim? Are you now saying no just to show them? Go on the trip or not go (nobody can blame you for not wanting a 4 hours drive for a day trip), but your reasoning not go seems a strange one considering how fancy free you like to think you are.

BlondiePortz · 19/03/2025 06:58

This all sounds very stepford wives, don't you all have your own friends?

JoyousEagle · 19/03/2025 06:57

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

Are they not fancy free, or are they just busy?

I have a friend who is pretty relaxed and laid back, but I do have to arrange to see her quite far in advance because her and her husband are very sociable and just always have plans.

They’re happy to see you this weekend, so isn’t that them being more flexible and willing to do short notice things anyway? Which is what you’ve wanted?

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 19/03/2025 06:57

Do you have many friends, @awholelotoflabour ?

Fairyliz · 19/03/2025 06:56

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:45

I avoid making too many plans because I like to just do stuff I feel like doing on the day. Of course sometimes we have plans, but too many plans stress me out.

and no it’s not because I’m waiting for another offer. I just want to feel free sometimes.

So you are not a planner which is fine. However surely you have to accept that if you leave things until the last minute then sometimes they will not be exactly as you want?
eg, a restaurant you want to visit is full, the theatre is sold out, or friends you want to see are only available part of the day.