To also not be flexible with friends ?

They don’t like you, they don’t want you to stay

I would ask how much I liked the people and were they worth it first of all? If they are making negative noises, arrange another time, and having a few loose dates in the diary never did anyone any harm. It is all about balance and how much you like them. If they are just friends who fill up a list and are super organised and expect you to be, I would be looking for other friends. I had a friend who used to plan three months in advance. She drove me nuts because I did not know what I would be doing in three months time. She advised me once that she was so busy she could not see me so I advised that I too was so busy I could not see her. Never heard from her again. As you get older, you will recognise 'your' people and they are ones you need to foster, not the stylish on hangers.

I’m tickled at your tone deafness! You sound like a petulant child. It’s you that is the problem, you don’t like them and try to find a way to blame it on them for not meeting up. Your OH must find it exhausting, and embarrassing.

You just don't like wives. You're looking for reasons to not like them. "They plan too much, they keep their hubbies on a chain etc."

Just admit you don't like them and own it. How were you even friends with the wives in the first place? Sounds you you weren't really, otherwise you'd be saying "my mates" not "the wives".

It’s funny you say that because I would think being so averse to planning things in advance as indicative of a person who likes to hedge their bets and hold off in case they get a better offer.

Op why exactly is it suffocating? Not asking in a rude way genuinely want to know because I'm a planner , I need to be because of work and everything else around us, I don't have the flexibility as you say others don't have and that doesn't work for you, but you tend to find ppl are less flexible for reasons out of their control and not usually a choice to be annoying to others when it comes to making plans. I also think it comes down to wanting to see someone or not. If you want to meet up with a certain friend, what's wrong with putting a date in the diary a few weeks in advance?

I feel like you think it’s somehow superior to be fancy free, and that it’s some kind of privilege you will confer on some people. I doubt very much the other couple CARES if you grace them with your presence or not. Especially as it’s so short notice - it’s not like they’ve kept the day free for you for ages and now you’ve let them down.

The reason I have to plan ahead is because between us my DH and I have loads of family, multiple groups of friends, events/parties for us and the kids etc and someone is always asking when we can next see them/ do something. We then put it in the diary so that time is ringfenced for them. Sometimes that date has to be quite far ahead as we have no free time until then. But at least we know not to double book that time.

If you aren’t as busy it’s great to be spontaneous but it doesn’t always work and I think you are unfair to be so judgy.

You sound like hard work. I need to plan ahead to see friends as we are all very busy and have other commitments. Carry on being fancy free but you may also find yourself being lonely in years ahead. I’d call you flaky tbh.

YABU, completely. I hope your husband goes and has a lovely time. You’re so flexible you won’t mind.

I would love to be more fancy free - with work and family commitments our free time is so limited and precious that DH and I do book things in advance - otherwise they don’t happen! I think it’s a privilege to be able to be fancy free ( no weekend work, no elderly parents, no children with extra needs). If it doesn’t work for you, feel free to say no but your husband is more understanding maybe he wants to go by himself?

What an odd way to behave towards people who are supposed to be your friends!

So you’re not like other wives and like spontaneity, except when you…don’t?

I mean, it sounds like you hate these people anyway.

You are making life hard for yourself and your dh is stuck in the middle.

i imagine the husbands have been wanting to get together for ages, hard work cause one wife is a planner and another isn’t. Suddenly there is a free Saturday, perfect they think, that pleases everyone! But no it the wrong type of flexible

"am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? "

Wtf??? You and your husband are the ones arranging to go? What do you mean "why should I force myself to go there?". You shouldn't if you don't want to. But you and your husband are planning this trip. Otherwise why else would you make a 4 hour journey with kids in tow.

Do you honestly mean you intend to visit your friends home town, not bother visiting your friends because you can't stay overnight at theirs (they've given you a valid reason too) whilst there, and now you're being a salty fucker? Jeez, glad you aren't my friend.

I really don’t understand why you’re making such a drama. Just don’t go. You clearly don’t like the ‘wives’ and see yourself as somehow superior because you’re super ‘flexible’.
I’m a planner and I find people like you hard work as the unwillingness to plan comes across as not valuing me, noncommittal and flaky.

OP, time to tell your husband to do meet up with his friends on his own.
If you have zero interest in the wives, why would you bother being involved at all.
I certainly wouldn't

So you don't like planning but you object to this because it's short notice and spontaneous?

I have to plan in advance because we have lots of friends and family, children's parties, events related to DC activities, I am on call some weekends , my diary just gets full. I was a lot more spontaneous when I was young, but now I end up with clashes, people I don't see for ages etc so I plan.

You sound unwell…the only person who will suffer here is your DH although perhaps he will appreciate the break…this is properly batshit OP.

Struggling to see how refusing to make plans in advance means you are ‘flexible’…

Yabu. I was flexible when I was young, these days with DC, clubs, work and plans, most things are booked in advance, as are most people I know. Refusing to is just being difficult.

It all a bit ‘I’m too cool and wild and free for formal plans’

You claim to be the flexible one but don't like these last minute plans?! YABU

They probably sense you don’t like them because you don’t? They aren’t stupid why would they want to make plans with you if you hate them!

I find this really bizarre. You like to do things X way, and this group like to do things Y way, which annoys you. When they decide to do things X way for a change, you say that you only do things X way with other people who always do things X way, so now you want to do things Y way, but only with these people who usually do things Y way.

I think that your fixation on not planning things is a moral absolute for you rather than a preference, which is why you are so worked up about this.

I feel very sorry for your dh. You're being utterly ridiculous. It's v clear that you don't like his friends, in particular their wives & you're making it difficult for him to arrange to meet then because neither planned nor spontaneous works for you. Because you don't want it to.

Bet they're all devastated you're not going.

You don’t like them, do you? That’s the real problem here. It’s nothing to do with flexibility, you just don’t like them. If that’s the case just own it and stop bringing up these strange reasons. And based on your comments here you sound as rigid and inflexible as the best of them.