To also not be flexible with friends ?

And? Why would they prioritise you above their close friends and family? You aren’t even friends, your husbands are friends.

You don’t really sound relaxed. You sound quite judgemental of the other wives. You say you don’t like being booked up and planning things 6 months in advance and when they do a spontaneous meet up you’re still not happy?

You try really hard to be offended about something that has nothing to do with you. If you don't want to see them, be honest about it.

And if they live far away, it makes sense to plan the visit ahead because you're likely to visit for longer, it's not just a quick lunch at the pub.

Different strokes for different folks. The OP is merely stating her feelings about her situation. I do not feel that she is being condescending at all. Not everyone wants to be super organised. I often get the impression that if people are, they are empty inside and are looking for outward validation. Many people are content souls who have inner reserves and do not need outward validation about how busy they are, how marvellous they are, their status, and tolerate you when you can 'fit in' with their marvellous schedule. Who cares? In ten years time they probably won't even recognise in the street and, in fifty years time, if they are lucky enough to make it to old age, they won't even remember you.

Sorry, all I see is someone who is inflexible as they won’t plan ahead.

This has absolutely nothing to do with how they plan their lives.

The Op doesn't like them.

It's really weird to me that you seem to blame "the wives" for shitty plans your husband and his mate have made.

It's not possible for you because of the drive, it's not possible for them because - actually - they already had plans. It was a bad idea, reschedule to another weekend.

The fact that they tend to be booked up in advance and you're not is irrelevant. It just makes scheduling harder.

Wtf

People have different lives, different scope to be fancy free. My health and my lack of nearby family for childcare constrain my options.

Friendship isn't a transaction.

But maybe you just don't like them that much, in which case that's fine.

(I wouldn't do a 4 hour drive at short notice, but this doesn't seem to be about this one occasion, you seem to want to make a fixed rule going forward)

These friends really can't win in this situation. You are now throwing your toys out of the pram because they have accommodated your need to be "spontaneous" and see you on Saturday. Just because they had already made plans for the Sunday you are now refusing to go because in your head they would be flexible if it was one of their closer friend that was coming over. You have a serious inferiority complex OP and you will be alienating people this way and you are going to make it very awkward for your husband and his friends. How would you feel if he treated your friends with such contempt?

This!

It's bizarre. Fine you don't want to plan ahead but why punish and be annoyed with people who do? You find planning suffocating, others find not planning anxiety inducing.

Also plenty of people have busy lives juggling work, friends, family etc etc so may feel some degree of planning is necessary.

Such a bizarre things, and for claiming you are all flexible and relaxed you are being very rigid on this.

Fine, if that’s how you choose to live it’s up to you. But it’s totally unreasonable to then be annoyed with other people because they choose differently.

Maybe the other couple have already booked something with family the next day, or with other friends you don’t know, and it would then be unreasonable to expect them to include you.

You seem to pride yourself on this romantic image of being "fancy free" but actually you sound like hard work for everyone else. People who won’t forward plan often are.

You don't want to go which is fair enough, a long way there and back in a day. Tell DH you don't want to go but feel free to take the children and have a good time. As to the flexible/inflexible stuff - all very playground tbh.

You don’t need to agree to every plan just because it’s not too far in advance. It doesn’t work for you - that’s fine. It’s a long way to travel for a day visit and I suspect the wife doesn’t want you to come because it’ll be a gaff on top of her other commitments this weekend. It is perfectly fine to not go. Let your DH go if he wants but I couldn’t do an 8 hour car journey with kids just to spend a hours them. Get them to meet you half way for a pub lunch if they’re desperate to see you.

The problem with this approach is that it massively limits what you can do (and by extension what your family can do), because it excludes a huge amount of activities which need to be planned in advance. It also creates loads of stress for people who do need to plan.

To be honest you sound a bit like a teenager. I was like this in my 20s and I am naturally a bit like this in that I find it a bit stifling to have loads of bookings in the diary. But as I have got older I have learned that failure to plan is a kind of selfishness because it seeks to impose your chaos and commitment phobia on others.

Not only is this selfish but you now seem to be trying to have it both ways by requiring more time to plan when it suits you and being stubborn and intransigent to win a point.

I think you need to work out what matters to you. If you really are spontaneous you need to suck it up and stop complaining. Otherwise you will need to stop being so judgmental about the fact that others want some order in their lives.

Refusing to make plans in advance isn’t being laid back and flexible. You’re just as inflexible as the others, but in a different way, as you’re demonstrating here by getting het up about this suggested plan.

Would you have preferred your dh to tell you on the morning?

This! 100%

You sound very catty about this group of women. It’s probably a good thing you aren’t going.

I don’t understand why it’s necessary to be bitchy about the wives? They’ve not had anything to do with the planning? Last minute (because it is the way YOU work) the husbands have made a plan. Friend’s wife has reasonably said staying over doesn’t work because of XYZ but she’ll host on Saturday. Make lunch, tidy house etc? That’s pretty reasonable.

4 hours each way is too long for a day trip, why be pissed off someone else wouldn’t do it? Just don’t do it either and accept if you don’t make plans you won’t see them.

I hardly ever seen the people I know who are spontaneous. They tend to respond to invites with "I don't know what I am doing/can I see nearer the time?" That to me translates as "I might get a better offer." So we rarely see each other, unless I happen to be free when they fancy meeting up.
Then they complain that I haven't seen them for ages!

OP, I was a lot like you, not keen on too much planning ahead, often because I was too busy in the week to plan and too tired at the weekend to see people, but the people I care about do plan and if I want to see them, I need to as well. My OH will happily book something for every weekend do I have to ensure we have free weekends at least 1 in 3 or we both get burned out, and on those free weekends, we don't make plans and do exactly as we want, together or apart. Pick the people you want to see, get a few dates in the diary for the next 6 months and keep others free, and you'll find the balance that works for you.

I do know what you mean about having loads of plans in the diary - it can feel miserable and overwhelming. I love having a blissfully clear diary (other than lovely plans with family - which is the major, number one priority for me) so we can see what we actually feel like doing - with or without friends- depending on a million different variables.

Maybe you try not to get locked into plans with these people specifically because you don’t really want to get together with them? Are they your husband’s friends and their wives, really? If so I wonder if it’s time to start encouraging him to get together with these friends on his own? Could they all meet for a golf/ cycling/ football watching/ whatever day somewhere that suits and stay overnight. Travel home the next morning. That, 2/3 times a year, would be WAY preferable to me rather than having to pack up and drag my kids on an eight hour round trip to be with people I’m not bothered about seeing, just do my husband can get to see his mate.

Part of being flexible, OP, is that you recognise and are respectful that different people have different ways of life.

You speak very disrespectfully of people different to you, with a tone that suggests you somehow think you’re ’above it’, and as though being busy and needing to plan is controlling or warrants disdain.

THAT’S what makes you inflexible, and honestly you come across as quite unpleasant.

I get it OP. I would be exactly the same. Why should you drop everything when they need to plan 6 months in advance?! YANBU.

Sounds like, on this occasion, the friends wife actually HAS been flexible (despite usually being a ‘planner’) and has accepted the arrangements at short notice. You can’t stay on Saturday, but hadn’t planned to anyway.
Either go, or don’t, but don’t try to blame or deflect your decision onto others.