To also not be flexible with friends ?

I mean this kindly OP, the best thing for you to do is back away from this whole thing and dona little digging on this inferiority (or is it superiority?) complex you clearly have going on. It'll make you happier in the long run. 💐

😊 this, you sound like such hard work OP, you need to lighten up a bit, it a wonder you have any friends!

You ‘match’ your planning to suit how you judge other people’s planning? And having plans ‘stresses you out’? Except when it comes to things the children want to do because they book up quickly?

So you can plan, and do have plans when it suits. You just don’t like these other women and are making excuses. Just own it. Be honest with yourself and stop having anything to do with them. Liberate yourself (and them) from the jealousy and labelling.

Then maybe you are not as flexible as you think. And that’s ok.

OP isn’t like other girls. She’s so cool and fancy free.

So basically you aren't actually that 'super flexible'.

Honestly, they can probably do without you in their lives.
You sound a bit school girl -ish.
If you like them and want to spend time with them, just do it. Book a Travelodge if you need to stay over.

Literally nobody is making you be the flexible one.
Except you.
Are you trying to be the "fun, care free" one?
No aren't being forced to go this weekend.
Do you generally make last minute plans and invite others? Maybe they are trying this back to show how frustrating and disrespectful (of their time) it can seem.

Or are you very passive, never organise anything and it's actually the organised people who make the plans and you rock up an hour late because you're just so "laid back"

I think you are missing the point or focusing on the wrong thing. The other women have nothing to do with this or with choices you make. If you don't want to be flexible, don't be flexible - do you. If being flexible works for you then be flexible, or do it when it suits you and don't when it doesn't. Making it a 'they're rigid so why shouldn't I be' issue is making it about them. YANBU to say you don't want to go, because you just don't want to go. YABU to blame it on the fact that they have a different arrangement within their relationships that clearly work for them.

You don't, but that's how you've chosen to live your life.

However you want to live you live is fine, but you can't then expect other to change how they live theirs on a whim to accommodate you.

You apparently would NEVER book something like this months in advance because it stresses you out. The consequence of this is that your friends already have other plans, and now find you on their doorstep short notice.

Expecting people to include you in their pre-made plans last minute is massively unreasonable, and a little entitled.

So you won’t make plans in advance, but you also won’t make last minute plans. You seem to be very inflexible and actually completely impossible. Few people would want to do that journey for a comparatively short visit, that’s why you make such plans in advance, but you’re refusing to that, and then are miffed that people can’t fit you in for a longer visit.

You might not like getting booked up in advance, but it’s a necessity for a lot of people with busy lives. You can’t expect someone to keep a weekend free for you on the off chance that you’ll spontaneously decide to visit.

If you want to see these people make plans in advance, if you don’t want to see them then maybe you should be honest with your husband about how you feel about his friends. Maybe he could make the plans in advance and you could decide last minute whether you’re going to join him or not, but you’ll make yourself pretty unpopular if you haven’t already with your inflexible attitude to plans.

Bet they’ll be gutted.

Christ, I feel sorry for your husband. Imagine having to live with someone like this.

So? They probably have to be to make sure plans are just dropped on them they have to make work. I bet overnight guests, sorting out breakfast looking after the children would all be on them
They aren’t the problem the husbands are dropping this at the last minute on both sides and expecting you both to sort it out
you don’t want the travel she doesn’t want the hassle
what should irritate you is being set up as the one who says no

Oh op. There is so much going on behind all this. I don’t believe the problem is their supposed lack of flexibility at all. I think there is a deeper reason why you don’t like them due to the sneery way in which you refer to them.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you aren’t a complete b*tch for laying into people for such innocuous reasons, and suggest that maybe something’s happened along the way whereby you’ve been made to feel a bit inadequate and not part of their soccer mom gang? So you’ve made this rhetoric about yourself being so cool and ‘not like other moms’ because it suits you to see yourself that way and not admit that you don’t fit in with them.

And it’s fine, it really is, to not get along with others if they aren’t your people. Accept they aren’t your types, avoid them where possible and focus on your own life and people. Just let them get on with being who they are with grace and acceptance.

Wow! So you're so self centred and socially unaware, and have ridiculously rigid, nonsensical rules. People aren't allowed to book your time in advance, but then you complain and refuse to go if they try to book something spontaneously! They literally can't win, can they?

You (and sadly your DH and children by association) are going to end up without any friends if you keep treating people like this.

I don't really understand any of this. It's weird to make "flexible" versus "rigid planner" such a big part of your personality. I am naturally more like you in that I don't naturally enjoy planning too far ahead but sometimes you have to! Holidays and big concerts and weddings (among many other enjoyable activities) are not things you can be spontaneous about. If you have a decent social circle then sometimes socialising time does get "booked up" and you have to organise something months ahead. Spontaneous socialising is much more rare now than it was in my 20s and while I don't like it, it's no one's fault.

Point is that most people are simply flexible or planners depending on what life dictates to them, not because they're making it an intransigent character trait. I don't think of myself as a planner but I'm fairly sure I only have one (1) weekend spare between now and July.

As for this specific situation surely the point of being so flexible is that you can choose not to go to things as well as go to them at the last minute? Just don't go if you don't like these people.

You sound like hard work......I don't mind spontaneity on a local level. If a friend calls for a random coffee or dinner and I'm also free then wonderful I'll nip out and see them for a couple of hours. So yes likely the wives can be more 'fancy free' with smaller commitments to their local friends.

However anyone requiring our attention for a full weekend needs to be booked in advance. We have busy jobs which sometimes spill into the weekend, child with clubs and two horses which need riding, mucking out etc .We need notice to go away, to plan work, cancel clubs and find care for animals.

Your friends have tried to accommodate you within their existing plans last minute but clearly would prefer if you had booked and it's not very convenient. If you are not happy with their hospitality then don't go.....I'm sure the wife has other things she could be doing.

I still don’t really understand what’s going on here. Your husband suggested a spontaneous weekend, they agreed mostly but had some plans already which puts some limits on the weekend and you’re annoyed and don’t want to go because those limits make it not worth it for you? Is that right?

Tbh I can't imagine you've got much on in your life if this is something you're devoting much thought to.

You sound pretty and childish with this "you get what you give" crap about your husband's friends wives. Why are you even organising anything for them at all? That's up to your husband and his friends. If his mates have plans it's because the family as a whole has plans, it's not a controlling wife situation. 'Pick me' vibes much?

Please do match their energy and stop being 'flexible'.

People book up things in advance because they have lots of family and friends they want to see, and like to spread their commitments and not get overloaded. They also like to plan in their downtime/family time to ensure they get some.

They don't want people like you messing up their plans with their selfish 'I'm free now, so you are good enough for me right this second'.

Go find friends like you.

Imagine moaning about people who don’t want to do regularly a last minute 8 hour return trip with kids, to see people they barely know or like!