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Original poster

To also not be flexible with friends ?

189 replies

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:29

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 19/03/2025 09:57

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 07:15

Well anyway ! I’m definitely not going. And as for future meet ups, I need 6 months notice, like they do. That’s how I roll with people who need 6 months notice. So yeah I’m flexible with the flexible ones, rigid and uptight with others, just how they like it I guess !

Honestly, if you continue being this difficult in life, you're going to be left with no friends. You could be the funniest, best conversationalist, most loyal individual. But with your demands, no one is going to stick around.

I assume you're youngish, because this demanding, sulky attitude is quite childish.

Tagyoureit · 19/03/2025 09:55

You are so massively awkward!!

They've booked themselves up in advance which is why they already have plans on Sunday so this on a whim Saturday plan is awkward for them.

You want to be all fancy free as some weird way of sticking it to the system and then you're offended that other people won't be free for you on a whim because they have no problem with booking things because that how life is.

Kids have clubs etc on the weekend so booking things in advance is sometimes that only way people actually get time in with friends and family because what's the point of paying for Saturday football only to drop it because you fancy being whimsical?

You really do sound like hard work.

BeHere · 19/03/2025 09:53

I would just go if I wanted to, and not otherwise. Wouldn't get into this daft tit for tat I don't want to be more/less flexible than you equation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/03/2025 09:51

Jeez such drama. You sound totally exhausting. I wouldn't be including you in anything

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 19/03/2025 09:51

The short notice isn't the problem. An 8 hour round trip is the problem. You will be travelling longer than you are visiting.

its reasonable to not go because it's too much for one day (which would be the case whether it was proposed 6 months or 6 hours ahead).
What would be more spontaneous would be to embrace the opportunity to visit friends, then book a hotel not too far from them. An unexpected break followed by a leisurely journey home on Sunday , exploring somewhere new to you.

jolies1 · 19/03/2025 09:50

What you really mean by “spontaneous/ flexible” is that you want the wife to change or drop her other plans for the weekend because you are free and fancy a visit.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 19/03/2025 09:45

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

They don't want to be fancy free people.

You do.

Don't be an arsehole.

Noodlehen · 19/03/2025 09:42

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Because you ARE flexible and they’re not? This is so weird. That’s like them saying why should they try and make plans with you because you don’t like to plan ahead like you do.

just block them out your life and live your spontaneous life as you wish

Hwi · 19/03/2025 09:41

Advance planners, my arse. Like the RF or PM, no less. They are just trying to make God laugh (c). Bugger them, don't go.

Upsetbetty · 19/03/2025 09:40

I’m actually dying to know @awholelotoflabour when is an acceptable time to make plans for you? Two weeks in advance, one week in advance? I’m really surprised you don’t get it. People have busy lives. They need to plan things.

latetothefisting · 19/03/2025 09:32

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Because being flexible benefits you!
You like it! You said yourself you'd "loathe" being a planner!

It's as if you like going out different places for food, they prefer hosting so you usually go to theirs = works for everyone. Now they've suggested eating out and you don't want to do it for no discernible reason.

Don't go if you don't want to, but don't base the decision on whether other people would or wouldn't go. If you would otherwise like or even not mind going but say no just to prove some imaginary point that nobody else has even mentioned or is probably aware of, that's pathetic.

Ella31 · 19/03/2025 09:22

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:29

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

You are completely missing the point. This wife had other plans prior to your husbands spontaneous visit idea. Why on earth would she include you in her pre made plans. That's bizarre.

whatapalarva · 19/03/2025 09:21

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like you are flexible at all. Not wanting to plan but not wanting to be spontaneous.. make your mind up? If they had asked you with notice you wouldn't have accepted anyway as its too far in advance. Hard work people in my life stop getting invited to anything.

CarrieOnComplaining · 19/03/2025 09:19

So you wouldn’t make arrangements in advance to visit… but your DH wants to visit at a time they have plans.

So you will never really see these friends

On principle (yours)

Lots of free diary for relaxed and spontaneous things is great.

But for 4 hour visits you need to plan in advance to make sure everyone saves the date.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 19/03/2025 09:14

8 hrs of driving to see someone for a few hours? Nah! Unless there's somewhere else that way you'd like to visit and make an overnight stay in a hotel and drive back later the next day,

SJM1988 · 19/03/2025 09:08

It all sounds a bit petty to be honest. If you DH wants to see his friends with his family, and everyone is free...why wouldn't you go. Get DH to do the driving if you don't want to as its his friends.

I'm a planner. I have to be not because I want to be. I have 2 kids with weekend activities, family to see, friends to see (alot of my friends live some distance), my DH has friends to see and then our own family holiday time etc. That doesn't mean I'm not flexible, it just means that if you want to guarantee to see us a certain time, you have to arrange it. If you want to be a last minute person you risk not meeting up.

I'm booked up with seeing my parents (they live 3 hours away) until Sept. Our own family holidays are all decided for the rest of the year.

wowwhataday · 19/03/2025 09:05

You’re not flexible. You just think you are but only when it suits you.

VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 09:00

This whole set up sounds quite mad. What are you basing your idea that The Wives control the social lives of The Husbands on, and will only issue passes for them to go out if put in the diary months in advance? Why are you socialising with people you clearly don't like, anyway? If your DH wants to go and visit a friend, why does the whole family need to trek there? Can't he just go alone?

Rhubarbtriangle · 19/03/2025 08:59

Oh god I know someone like this. Always moaning about people wanting to make plans weeks/months in advance but never being the one to actually organise anything (consequently having no clue that if, for example, you want 10 x tickets for a West End show or a table in a restaurant for a few people in December, it does indeed have to be booked quite far in advance). Also very disrespectful of people’s time and existing commitments and pretty flaky.

Sparkletastic · 19/03/2025 08:57

All this self-justification to avoid seeing people you don’t like.

Inmydreams88 · 19/03/2025 08:55

Your “flexible” but your friends wives are not. So you are happy to make last minute plans but your friends wives are not. Atleast not with you.

Except you’ve made last minute plans and
now you don’t want to go….because you actually want your friends wives to be more
”flexible” and to change because YOU are. But you won’t change for them.

I’m confused what you actually want. Do you even like these people?

minipie · 19/03/2025 08:48

AnonymousJoyceLover · 19/03/2025 07:21

I feel very sorry for your dh. You're being utterly ridiculous. It's v clear that you don't like his friends, in particular their wives & you're making it difficult for him to arrange to meet then because neither planned nor spontaneous works for you. Because you don't want it to.

Yep this comes across loud and strong

At the very least you should be saying: sorry, it’s too far for a one day visit but perhaps we can get a longer visit in the diary for the future?

If you have friends who live a long way away and require a clear weekend to visit, you have to plan seeing them in advance, otherwise it’s never going to happen

So by saying no planning in advance and no one day visits you are basically telling your Dh he will never see these friends

user1492757084 · 19/03/2025 08:47

Go along and find a couple of interesting things to see, apart from the friends whom you will spend not that much time with.

Enjoy the trip together. You can concentrate on exploring and spending couple time.

carrotycrumble · 19/03/2025 08:44

You obviously don’t like them (and possibly they don’t like you very much) so I don’t know why you’re giving it any thought at all. It’s bizarre. Friendships are based on mutual respect.

prelovedusername · 19/03/2025 08:44

My DM was like you, dropped in on friends uninvited with us in tow. She was very popular and great company but I’m so embarrassed now at how unwelcome those visits must have been sometimes.

Planning is for everyone’s convenience. Short notice visits are for the convenience of the visitor, it’s a very self centred approach.

I think the wife has been clear she doesn’t want you to come, so don’t. Either make friends with people who are spontaneous like you, or accept that you are probably tolerated rather than welcome.