To also not be flexible with friends ?

And not many people are like you. We use and allocate our time to make best use of it. If I decline and say we have plans, it might just be that we want to laze around an afternoon watching movies, kids playing at home. It doesn’t mean that we are busy, important people.

You are not cool and better than them because you are flexible. Do you have kids? Do they not do any activities over the weekend? I have two kids, with different activities, parties, family stuff and events and days out we like to do with them. We book things in the diary in advance. Every person I know does that.
If someone comes over to stay, I need advance notice of that too.

Sat and Sunday mornings we have kids activities. Then on Saturday afternoon dh has something planned in advance which means I need to be with the kids. Then Sunday afternoon we have a family lunch outing and just spending time as our unit of 4 before the week starts again. So we are not flexible and being booked up also includes an afternoon of downtime as well.

Either you have much older kids, or don’t do hobbies or anything then you have all the time to be flexible.

Op, you sound insufferable. I’m sure everyone will be v pleased that you’re not going!

You're quite tricky. You can't have it both ways.

I think this is the crux of it. The wife doesn't care about you and can't be arsed, she isn't rolling out the red carpet for you.
Tbh if my husband invited at short notice his friend plus wife and children to come for the weekend I wouldn't be happy to host, entertain children, make small talk with a wife who was hostile, clean house, do beds, plan food, shopping etc no fecking way. I wouldn't be agreeing to that, especially not a whole weekend of it. I certainly couldn't be arsed!
I also wouldn't be shlepping 4 hours to visit someone I'm not bothered about seeing. let the husbands arrange a meet up together.
It is easy to be spontaneous with local friends. I don't like planning stuff all my friends accept that, we have party invite tonight 4 miles away, I won't know if I feel like it till about 8pm.
My husband is quite capable of doing stuff on his own without dragging me along.

Sounf very, I'm so tough me.... 😅.

They win as OP is now changing her stance to suit them.

Let your husband go, drive and sort it out. Or don't go.

Not everyone wants to be super organised. I often get the impression that if people are, they are empty inside and are looking for outward validation

What the utter fuck? One of the most bonkers things I've read on here (and that's saying something...)

You sound nuts, tbh.

Yes, this! Your idea of flexible is actually to be flaky. Drop one set of plans if something better comes along!

I think the flexible/spontaneous/planner thing is a complete red herring.

The issue surely is - DH has made plans for the weekend involving a 4 hour drive to his friend's- AIBU not to go/to be annoyed.

And I think the other wife could just as easily write- DH has just invited his friend and his wife to come from 4 hours away for the weekend when we have plans -AIBU not to host them overnight/to be annoyed.

Or, even shorter - husbands have made plans, both of their wives not happy.

You aren't central to these plans, you don't have to match anyone or roll with anyone - what you are is an obstacle for DH, that's all. He's the one being asked, whether in advance or short notice, you are saying no and expecting him to blame them in some way when awkwardly turning down an invite he actually wants to go to. Poor DH.

You need to get over yourself and have some actual flexibility, recognise you aren't the only person in the relationship and give up some of that control you're hoarding.

I don’t understand. You sound totally unflexible. Why do you keep labelling yourself as being the flexible one when to me, you’re not! I’d find it hard if a friend never wanted to make plans and would just let me know a day or so in advance if they’re free, I’d find them inflexible. Maybe that’s just me

Sorry to be rude but you sound insufferable. I get the feeling no one wins with you.

Maybe find your people and dont socialise with these others...

I’m not sure what the issue is ? You have been invited at short notice ( not by the wife who does the planning but they aren’t stopping you) and you don’t want to go because they are not changing plans for you? I am pretty sure they won’t care if they suddenly have to book things in advance with you as they probably plan that anyway…

This is like reading satire....but written by a child.

You pride yourself on being "fancy free" but are literally the most rigid inflexible person, petty enough to cut your nose off but also happy to ruin your husband's and children's plans.

I feel so sorry for your family but think these 'friends' have dodged a bullet.

You'd hate me, we can be booked up for months. We just happen to have lots of family and friends, and 2 young children with endless parties and playdates. Also have annual passes to stuff you have to book up in advance.

😂😂😂 accurate.

This! It sounds so tiring to be honest @awholelotoflabour

In summary - (echoing many others!)

If they invite you 6 months ahead- you will not commit as that's not how you like to manage your social life.
If they invite you a few days in advance - again you will not go because they haven't invited you in advance.
You will not invite them in advance because you haven't planned anything in advance.
You will not invite them spontaneously because you think they will not accept.

You do not really want to meet them.

Leave them to your DH.

4 hour drive with kids to see someone for a couple hours, then turn around and drive back same day? And the people you're visiting have plans the next day so need the day you're going to ready their house and get stuff done? This is a trip, not just a go out and do something.

Your husband's being a dolt and possibly the other husband too. They already had plans. I wouldn't go, this is just rude of them.

You sound really mad the the other families have things like get togethers and trips planned in advance.

If you want to do things spontaneously, then do them. But don't expect other people to be able to go along or accommodate your spontaneity. They have plans.

You don't sound flexible, you sound like one of those people who wants to rock up at random when you feel like it and expect everybody to drop what they're doing for you because they, free spirit and all.

I'm sure they would much prefer for you to book a weekend when they're free, so I'm not sure why you're phrasing it as though it will be annoying for them. If they know you're coming then they can turn down other invitations for that weekend. It would be very rude for them to cancel other plans just because you've decided to trek up there on a whim.

I'm also not sure why this plan suits you less if you're supposedly "spontaneous". You can see them on Saturday, then do something else fun either in their area or on the way home on Sunday. You've got a DH and children, you guys just entertain each other for a day out.

To be honest, it sounds like your version of spontaneous is actually "Everyone do whatever I fancy on the day that I fancy doing it, and cancel everything else for me." Which is better described as narcissistic.

You sound draining, rigid and to be honest the tone of your language used when describing how people like to plan their life makes you sound very judgemental and immature. “Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢” 🙄🙄 You’re not more superior to other people because you’re flaky and won’t plan big events in advance, it doesn’t make you edgy or the cool wife. Don’t be shocked when people avoid asking you to do things in future because you’ve labelled yourself the awkward wife.

Why should you always be the flexible one? Because that’s how you like to be? You can’t have it both ways…I like to be spontaneous and why should I be the one who’s always spontaneous?

Your cutting your nose off to spite your face. And it is your dh who is missing out.

You say you're the flexible one, but you actually sound very inflexible!
Feels a bit like digging your heels in for no reason.
It really just comes down to whether you want to go or not. 4 hour drive sounds like a nightmare, personally I wouldn't go for that reason, but not because it wasn't booked in advance.