To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

My not so DM lied to me consistently over a period of weeks about my DGM's prognosis and then didn't tell me about her death for 24 hours because, she said, "I knew you'd be busy" whatever that meant. I felt betrayed and although it was 40 years ago, I've never forgotten.

Be honest with your DD please OP. The ramifications of dishonesty can be lifelong.

How are you intending to hide it in this day and age of social media, how can you guarantee she won't see a Facebook post from a well meaning relative expressing sympathy. What about if people send you flowers or sympathy cards, or just say "sorry to hear about your nan" to her.

Surely it would be better to start preparing her now so it's less of a shock?

Please don’t do this. It will trigger anxiety about what else you will delay telling her in the future.

I think tell her in advance things are going that way, like now, so then it's not a surprise or shock

Talk to your daughter. Prepsre her that your mum is very sick and won't have long. She can start the grieving process, and when it happens, it might feel a bit less since she's done the process. Also, I think she's at an age where you can ask her how to handle it if it happens. My main concern is that if she's not told and she finds out that the whole family and extended family went to a funeral without her knowing, that would mess me up. Also play it by ear. You might know what to do when it happens.Sorry you're going through this.

Hi. So sorry you are going through this. My daughter lost a grandparent in the middle of exam season last year. It was very difficult for her as she was used to seeing them on a daily basis and they were very involved in each others lives.

Obviously each child is different but she will probably ( even subconsciously ) pick up on your sadness and stress levels whatever you do or don’t tell her.

Also, I work in an exams office - so on a practical level let the school know what is happening and also if she does pass away during exams. The school should be able to support her with maybe a smaller exam venue to reduce her stress levels and to be aware of potential upset if things aren’t what she feels she expected during the exams. Also they have a process they can use to inform the exam board / boards and this is taken into account when the paper is marked. Obviously they wouldn’t change the result by lots of grades but they will look at the paper knowing maybe some detail isnt there or small mistakes have been made as the candidates mind is not as focused. Hope this helps.

A bit weird you'd expect the 10 to to keep it a secret for up to 2 months?

Why would she fail her exams? If you think she will grieve so intensely that she is unable to carry on with normal life, then you will damage her trust in you severely by withholding that information.

I’m sorry but this is a terrible idea. I could understand maybe not telling a small child if it was day before a birthday party or something. But someone your DD age won’t cope very well with this news being withheld. It’s likely there will be allowances made for a close family bereavement, like sitting exams at another date.

That's different to keeping it from them for nearly 2 months and telling their siblings.

The sibling would have to keep it a secret.

This makes a really important point - that she might find out from someone else.

No. They're very strict.

There might be special consideration, but not much, maybe upto 2%.

My mum died in hospital while my daughter was in the middle of sitting her university exams. I chose not to tell her until the exams finished a couple of days later as the information could have affected her badly, though she knew her grandmother had a terminal illness.

It's a very personal decision and my daughter was not annoyed with me at all that I had made the decision to keep the death from her until after her last exam. She understood why I did it and I know my mum would have wanted to protect her too at that crucial point in her education.

Don't worry what people on this thread think @Lucielue79 do what you feel is the right thing for your daughter, whatever that is.

Are you really suggesting that every teenager who has an ill grandparent (or other extended family member) should be asking for special consideration? That's really not reasonable and for most it would not impact their results significantly.

Another vote for telling her. I did not attend my sibling's funeral as a (younger) child and felt resentment as I was growing up - although I completely understand my parent's reasoning now. But for a girl of your daughter's age, to have this kept hidden from her and prevented from attending the funeral - I would feel betrayed and probably lose trust in my mother for doing that.

Start discussing the possibility of her grandmother's death now and come up with a plan for how to handle the situation if it arises (hopefully it won't).

Agree with a pp, ask her now what she would want you to do if the worst happened .

Unless your religious beliefs require the funeral to take place within a day or two of death, you will have some control over when the funeral is, so just don't pick a time that clashes with an exam. Ideally schedule it for after the exams have finished.

You can't plan for this in advance.

If she actually dies the day before a big exam, you could justifiably tell your DD after the exam.

But keeping it from her for potentially weeks? Having her miss the funeral? No.

Your DD should be aware how ill her GM is so she can be processing this now. it is very odd to keep the this a secret. My FiL was in hospital for 8 weeks and then died just before DDs A levels. Both my kids were fully aware grandad was dying and DH spent weeks living at his mum's house 150 miles from us whilst all this was going on. My kids were fine because this is something that happens to everyone and it was my duty as a parent to help them with this not hide it. As it was school overheard DD say something about grandad being terminally ill and applied for consideration in her exams on her behalf (2% I think). DD was mortified as she said she didn't need it. She got very good results. If i were you OP I'd be questioning why you are trying to control everyone's feelings. It's fine to be upset or sad and it doesn't mean she will fail her exams.

Other than Maths and English I don't think there are November resits anymore are there?

My mother died during dd1 gcse exams. My mother lived abroad. Dd1 missed one exam completely to go to the funeral and sat it in the august instead she also got special considerations for 1 exam she sat after my mother passed. The school was frankly amazing.

Dd2s best friend lost her dad on the Friday very suddenly. She still sat her A level on the Monday morning (got a 8 as well) she said she had a dream her dad came and told her to go to exam and do her best and it would be ok.

Don't deceive your dd. It will leave her wondering what else you are not telling her.
As for not being a big crier. Many other ways grief manifests. For me when mum died I could not sleep to begin with and after struggled to think straight. It was obvious I was grieving. I recall dh being in that can't think straight place too directly after fil passed.

I kept my teenage son's cancer diagnosis secret while we waited for the tests to come back about how far it might have spread. He was studying for exams. It would have just worried him and we didn't know how good or bad the results were. We told him the night before before the hospital visit where he got good news. I don't regret what we did. We had weeks of uncertainly but there was no benefit to telling him earlier.

I think that generally lying is more damaging than the truth, no matter what the truth is.
The damage that is done by the lies lives on longer than the grief of the truth

Sorry to hear about your mum.
My son is also doing his GCSE’s and I think whatever happens in the next 12 weeks he knows what he knows if you see what I mean? He isn’t suddenly going to know or not know the geography case studies and he isn’t going to forget how to do maths whatever happens. So as long as she can physically get to the exam she can sit it and get special consideration. The exams run from 8th of may - 16th of June ish. (Those are just my sons exam dates) so even if you tell her on the 7th of may for example she might be too upset to make the exam on the 8th of may but might then be able to carry on and so the others. Or if it happened in June she might have already got some exams under her belt. In terms of last minute study i don’t think they will suddenly go up a grade in 12 weeks if they study loads so I think what she is getting now she is likely to get in the exams regardless. It’s just a case of whether she is too upset to physically go to the exam. If she goes to it the knowledge will be there regardless. I wouldn’t keep it a secret.

Same. It is also doubly difficult being at a different stage of grief to everyone else.

As someone else said, it would be best if you let her know how ill your mum is so it doesn't come as a shock out of the blue