To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

I am really sorry you are going through this but it would be absolutely ridiculous to even try this, its really unlikely you'd be able to pull it off and the impact of the lies / deceit will be so much worse than the truth.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

If I were you, I would absolutely not tell until after the exams, but then top it up with a lie that it was your dm's wish, that she did not want your dd fail her exams due to stress. This would be a white lie, not an evil one. I am saying this because my dd was so close to her gm, we lived together and we could not obviously conceal gm's death even though I try to delay it a bit (she was in hospital). The effect not only on the exams, but also on interviews for uni was dreadful (it happened in dd's final year at school). From personal experience, please delay the news until after the exams.

Generally when it comes to GCSEs you either know the material or you don't. Feeling sad won't make her suddenly forget it all.

Firstly, this is a horrible situation and I’m sorry for you all. But really, why on earth would you lie to her? You give her absolute carte blanche to lie to you about anything she likes from now on. Do not imagine that she will see it from your point of view.

Schools are used to dealing with this situation. My DH’s father died suddenly the day before his Chemistry GCSE exam and he just went and sat it. The school told the exam board and he did well. Keep the school informed.

I would personally if it's on the day she's sitting an exam or the day before, but not if it's eg on a Friday and she doesn't have an exam until the next Wednesday.
I would also have conversations now about when it will likely happen.

When I was in my early 20s a great-great aunt died. I hadn't seen her in over a decade and very little before that. Sad news, but not major to me. I later got it in the neck from another relative because I knew and hadn't told them. I didn't know that this relative had been fairly close to the great-great aunt in their youth. They were angry about the news not being passed on and being denied the opportunity to go to the funeral and grieve at the appropriate time, although really it should have been other relatives communicating with each other not putting the blame on me, but that's the anger and grief talking, and the information being withheld aggravated that.

When we lost a family member while we were on holiday, it was hard keeping it fom the DCs for a few hours. DH understandably wanted a chance to talk with family on the phone to be a bit clearer about the situation and logistics. The family member was in end of life care and we were aware of the possibility of the holiday and other events being affected so we had sketchy plans e.g. DS1 and I and DH with DS2 ended up travelling back from the funeral as a best-fit compromise, and that meant our arrangements weren't a surprise to other family members.

It is best to be as transparent and share the news as soon as possible.

If you believe DD would be upset enough to fail her exams she’ll be upset enough to not have been given the opportunity to go to the funeral.

@DBD1975 nope GCSEs cannot and will not be moved for anything other than for a massive cohort and even then to a contingency day within the exam timeframe

And ask her the parameters - my FIL died last year and we agreed the following
if he died when she was on her trip to Belgium not to to tell her
she had year 10 mocks and the agreement was
not to wake her up to tell her and if we could not tell her that morning and to wait until she was home.
as it happened it was in the Easter holidays!

maybe agree that whenever it happens it if it an exam day you will wait until it is over to tell her

So sorry for your situation OP
There is no right or wrong in this situation, without knowing your family dynamics it is impossible to give advice.
However my Mum died 2 days before I was due to sit my final exams, I showed up for the exam but my tutor knew of the situation, took me to one side and sent me home.
I sat my final exams a few months later, on my own, with a tutor in attendance.
I assume this would be a possibility for your daughter if necessary, I would contact the school /college/uni to ask.
I wish you peace of mind with whatever you decide.

She’s old enough to be asked what she would like to happen.

My 15 year old would 100% want to know and would feel very hurt at not being told. I think withholding the info could do more damage than telling her IF the worst happens. It may not.

Please be honest and don’t hide it. Another relative or friend of your mother could say or message something.

My mother did this. What I learned from it was that I couldn’t trust her. She still hides things like relatives having cancer or pretends the cat is out when she’s had it put down so if I see someone has an illness that they say is mild it always crosses my mind that they could be terminally ill.
It’s not worth it. Trust your daughter to cope with it like the adult she almost is.

No, dont do this. You will damage her trust in you. I think you would be reasonable to delay telling her by a few hours, so not right before an exam, but not by days or weeks. You know after Grenfell kids involved went and sat their exams. You arent teaching her resilience by hiding this from her because you think she cant cope - humans are pretty resilient.

I am so sorry, OP. I have lost mum, it is hard but there is no way I would lie to my child about this.

My mum delayed telling me about the death of my grandmother for a similar reason, although I was younger at the time and the delay wasn't very long. She did it because she wanted to try and protect me. In the end, she just ended up really hurting me.

I felt like such an idiot for having been unaware of what had happened when everyone else knew. I understood my mum's reasons but don't think I ever fully forgave her. It made me promise my dd that I would never hide anything like that from her.

It still upsets me more than 4 decades later.

Please be honest with your dd. If it affects her badly, you can let the school know that she has mitigating circumstances that need to be taken into account.

You can't keep it from her, even if she understands it was for the best of intentions and she can move past the anger, you'll loose an element of trust in your relationship and will never get it back. She'll second guess everything major that happens in the family for as long as you're alive.

Talk to her now about how ill her grandma is and the likely timescale.

Talk to school now and outline your worries. Yours won't be the first family to face a death around exam time. Find out facts from school - what mitigations can they offer?

My grandmother had a stroke and I thought was mild and she was in hospital for a week over the easter in my final year at uni.

Just before my first final exam my mum called and admitted that she was still in hospital and had gotten worse, they lied because it was my final year. By the very short time I sorted with uni admin to go and see her, she had lost conscious and I was told there wasnt much point in travelling 4 hrs to say goodbye. She died that night before first final exam and funeral was day of last final exam, I was told not to bother going to funeral. My uni were cool about me missing an exam or 2 btw and would have just averaged my grades.

Im still angry that my mum took the choice away from me because she was worried about me missing my exams. dont be that mum.

I think you’ll need to prepare her now, and talk to the school too as they may need to offer some help.

I’m so sorry to hear of your impending loss. This must be a very difficult time for you.

To people who say kids can get marks added for extenuating circs (death of family member) - I can definitely see that this should 100% be the case where young people have tragically lost a parent around exam time.
But if I’m honest I’m not sure where I sit in terms of if this should be applied to extended family members such as DGP’s - because GCSE age is prime age for DGP’s sadly passing - as is the natural order of things. In which case, you’d potentially have a situation where a not insubstantial proportion of teens are getting extra marks added (regardless of how close they actually were to the grandparent) whilst others are not.

I know it’s sad losing anyone, but I do think in many cases this normal part of life where people die of old age doesn’t need to spell catastrophic meltdown / failure of exams. Totally different if a traumatic bereavement (ie: parent, sibling, unexpected, died by suicide/accident etc) wherein shock may play a huge factor and ergo affect cognition. But the ‘normal’ if sad planned loss of an older relative unfortunately is part of life, and teens need to learn to balance that with other aspects of their life, as this is a life lesson which will stand them in better stead than being protected from stressors and getting the message that stressors are incompatible with daily living.

Do you have a 16 year old - you can’t hide something like that from them they are t stupid and teenage life is all about looking a cues from people. I wouldn’t last a day hiding it and the stress it would take for both of us would be just as disruptive

I would tell her. My parents didn't tell me about my grandfather's death as we were going to the theatre. Made complete sense but I then worried when they told me my grandmother was ill and thought she'd died but they wouldn't say. Eventually asked them and they said they'd never do that again but they did when I was at university and another relative died.

It's made me think I would always be honest with my kids even if it's hard at the time. Hopefully then they would know they can trust me and not worry there's bad news being kept from them like I still do.

She may find an exam harder while emotional but maybe she won't. If you think that you can keep your emotions under wraps maybe she can too for the duration of the exam. Also if the worst happens you may be able to inform the exam board who may take it into account.

Also, just ensure you arrange the funeral for a time that won't affect her exams. It's possible and if that means a delay it won't matter.

Absolutely!

It’s not that exams are more important than someone’s life.

It’s more that when someone dies nothing more can be done to help them. Whereas for the young person sitting an exam their life is still ahead of them & may be negatively impacted by receiving sad news at a critical moment. They will have hopefully had a loving relationship with their grandparent while they were still alive. That is the important thing imo not them being told immediately their grandparent has died if the parents don’t feel the need to share.

My mum died the week before I sat my A-Levels. I was given the option to not take them and use my mocks but I wanted a distraction so I sat them. I did get the 5% added on for immediate family bereavement (which is pittance and adds a couple of marks on at most but still). Your DD would be eligible for a couple of percent too likely.

My main point is I was very grateful for the distraction and threw myself into my exams and got 4 A*s. I did the same during my GCSEs when my mum was ill for the first time.

Everyone reacts differently of course but your DD may be the same. I’m sure she knows about your DM so it won’t come as a surprise, surely? Better she finds out from you in a gentle manner than another family member letting it slip the night before an exam or whatever.