To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

Sure it's a choice, but if the child is close enough to be upset over the death that she'd failed an exam, she will obviously want to attend the funeral, surely? That's common sense.

You know best how everyone will react.
I could have told my DC and they might have been a bit sad but it wouldn't have affected their exams or anything like that as they weren't close.
I was ok when my Mum died too, in fact for a variety of reasons it was a good outcome to a bad situation and I was glad she had done it on her own terms

but surely that is the choice of the child in question? If she doesn’t want to go and would rather sit the exam and the parents support that then surely that is what she should do? These things are 100%the choice of the family in question. There is zero protocol for this.

No, she won't. That's not how it works. It's not like just.... not turning up and then being failed.

You make plans and the test is rescheduled for you.

She will be missing the exam. She'll be missing it and fail and have to do a resit in November. No reschedule.

If people could reschedule for whatever reason easily, it would be a nightmare. The exam boards would have to produce different papers, get them marked to different answer schemes and in a tighter deadline.

All that might happen is that the school could ask for special consideration and maybe do something similar to a CAG. But it would need a lot of evidence, and granny dying isn't a strong enough reason...unless perhaps the child lived with granny etc.

I wonder OP if this is partly a way for you to displace your own (anticipatory) grief?

I think you might be underestimating the effect that bereavement has on you, even if you aren't a crier. I went slightly mad after my father died and was very "foggy". I think it would be very confusing for a 15/16 yo not to understand why her parent is acting unusually. Also - even if done with the kindest intentions - the deception will be very difficult for your daughter to take.

I really wouldn't do this, as others say this will not be the first time the school has dealt with this. She can submit coursework, or sit an exam later, etc if she needs to and you can arrange the funeral around her attendance.

Truly truly awful idea. If you think they're close enough that her knowing will make her fail her exams then what a cruel thing to do to not tell her at the time and let her grieve. She is not a little girl.

GCSEs aren't important enough to be lying to your kids about things like this.

If your daughter is terribly upset then you discuss with the school if exam boards will make any adjustment for this. I doubt it but you can ask.

Let her know now that her grandmother is seriously ill and ask her if anything happens would she like you to try and arrange the funeral on a non exam day.

But exams can always be re-scheduled! Funerals is the main reason that warrants it.

So she won't be missing the exam.

But funerals can't be re-done, can they.

Of course you can! Are you really serious!? You cannot miss a funeral for some exam, that can be made up later. The school will be fully expecting her to attend the funeral.

Are you honestly telling us you won't let your daughter attend her own grandmothers funeral just because of an exam? Your priorities are wrong if so.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to miss the funeral for an exam. I think it depends on the child, the family, the exam etc. if I asked my parents now and asked if they were ill and there was this risk, I know they would say go to the exam and do well for them! But if the child is too upset to sit the exam then there is no point. Everyone is different in this situation and I don’t think it is right to say someone has to go to a funeral. This would be a discussion surely between everyone to decide best course of action.

I have a friend who's eldest daughter (aged 17) refused any contact with him for 1.5 years because he failed to tell her her great-grandad had passed away. She found out via another family member. She was well aware he was dying, but felt hurt my friend hadn't informed her immediately.

For the sake of your relationship, please start preparing her now so that she can process it before the time comes. It will be so much worse for her if the news comes out of the blue or potentially from somebody else.

I am so sorry you face losing your mom 💐 it will be incredibly hard for you, please don't make it more difficult by trying to maintain a front with your daughter x

Yes, start preparing now. And contact the school so they can have plans in place in case the funeral is during exam time. Naturally she will have to go to the funeral.

Since exams are still a little under 2 months away and presumably your child knows their grandparent is ill, I would sit them down now and discuss this. They can tell you what they want to know when and if you want to attend funeral etc. I don’t think you could hide it if you tried. I think now is the time for them to come to terms with it than a sudden shock just before an exam.

More to the point, OP, can you and your daughter visit your mum now, before you lose her? Or is she in a different country?

The one thing most people say after a loss is that they wish they'd gone to visit one more time, or for longer, or earlier, or said more. My daughter actually put her foot down and insisted that she would visit my dying mum, and that her cousins should stop being vague about going "some time soon" and do so too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
Sometimes IME watching a person suffer and die is harder than living with the aftermath.

Talk to your DD, you might find that it is now that she needs support to deal with the worry and stress and that as a bereaved person, that worry about the poorly relative lifts.

Everyone is different and copes differently and I feel that as a general rule talking openly is the best course of action.

I think not telling her would be a mistake. I would contact the school and inform them of the situation. There is a special considerations form they can fill in with information on anything that might have has an impact on their exam performance.

No, it's silly to think you can ever hide that. She'll see you upset or at the very least hear you talking about funeral arrangements, you cannot hide something like that, it's impossible. Better to tell her, I doubt it would disturb her exams, unless she has to go to the funeral at exam time and make up the exam.

Wait.... what? Why couldn't she attend the funeral? Of course she'd have to go to the funeral! She'd have her exam re-scheduled, that is standard practice! To not go to your grandmother's funeral because of some exam is utterly unthinkable, I honestly don't know what is giving you that mindset. The school will fully be expecting your daughter to go to the funeral!!!

I also wanted the comfort my own children provided when my own parents died, as well as MIL. It's a time for families to draw together.

You need to be totally transparent with your daughter.
Schools are good. They can arrange for her to sit her exams in a private room if needed. And teenagers can be remarkably strong and power through (and then fall apart after).
And no freaking way can you arrange a funeral for an exam day. Funeral homes and churches have flexibility (if we can arrange one around my uncle's golf trip - which is another story), you can avoid Biology paper 2.

I cannot imagine that she would not pick up on it anyway. Surely she'll notice you being upset and that you have 'admin' to do (sorry, that sound so crass, but there are lots of things to do after a death).

I'd leave it , let her concentrate on her GCSEs and then have a sit down with her when the time is right. She might say why didn't you say? But I think that to not want to upset her during her GCSEs is an understandable reason

If she going to be so upset that she might fail an exam it indicates she is close to her grandparent, a relationship that you must have enabled and enjoyed.
So, surely you have to tell her.

My parents made the decision to not tell my sister that our Grandfather was very ill. She was abroad on a university placement. When he did die after a very short time and she found out how we had all kept it from her she felt very, very betrayed. It has been nearly 15 years and it still upsets her. Your child is old enough to be doing the exams, which means she is old enough to know you will have lied.

Prep her now, let her know that they are seriously ill. Let the school know. Support her as best you can. Don't worry about the funeral date right now. It may be that accommodations can be made, either by the funeral or the school exam.

Presumably you'll be arranging the funeral and can choose when it is?