To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

I think, this. If she's close to them, she'd want to know and exams can be re sat. How would you feel if you'd been robbed of the opportunity to spend time with a grandparent during their final days? That is time that she will never be able to get back.
If they are not particularly close then telling her may not affect her exams at all, but she may be given extenuating circumstances if she needs extra time etc?
I would not lie basically.

I don't get how her grandma means so little that DD won't notice she's passed away, but so much that she'll fail her exams because she's passed away.

She would’ve failed due to being upset and stressed and not studying and concentrating. Her mum did the right thing.

I have lost a few family members as a teen and I'd have been devastated to find out they had died and I wasn't told at the time, I'd have felt cheated. I have also lost my dad just prior to exams (a few weeks) and to be honest I just got on with the exams and then fell to pieces afterwards. I had the support of the school, they were very aware what was happening and they were able to put in for special consideration etc. I'd speak to the school now and tell them so they can get things in place just in case. Sorry you are going through this

I haven’t read all the replies, but no I would not do this. GCSE’s are important of course, but this is the possible death of a close family member. It seems all shades of wrong to say that your daughter’s performance in her exams takes precedence over grieving a death in the family. Exams can be repeated and failing them is not the end of the world. And of course, your daughter may be more resilient than you realise. We’re in the middle of GCSE hell with DS1 and honestly, with some of the stuff that has happened both to him and within our family this year, I have had to unclench a bit about exams. And as others have mentioned, don’t underestimate the impact your mum’s death will have on you. It’s hard enough mourning the death of a parent without having to pretend nothing has happened.

Sorry your mum is unwell.

No you can't do that. I know it's a different situation but I think children pick up on the stress of adults around them and will be stressed or calm depending on the adults around them. My dc has spent a lot of time in hospital and he has seen other children with different illnesses. He knows that cancer is an illness that some people get and he has seen lots of children have it and get better and a couple who have died. I have always taken my dc to funerals of people they don't know very well too. They see it as any other church service but with cake afterwards, not some mysterious scary thing. Meanwhile my dn's have been hugely sheltered and they think every minor illness or problem is a massive drama and they can't cope with anything. I think if you are honest with your dd and she knows her dgm is dying and what to expect she will be sad when she dies but she won't be so upset that she will fail her exams.

I think you are underestimating the effect it will have on you, and overestimating the effect it will have on her.

Even if you are certain you won't be very visibly upset, surely there would be lots of practical things you have to do? Organise a funeral, go to the funeral, clear the house etc etc. It is possible friends/family members will send you cards, flowers, phone you up more than ususal. It would be highly likely something would cause her to know/guess anyway. And you will need support - don't deny her or your other family the possibility of giving you that.

In her case, if her relationship with her grandmother is such that she might not notice for a couple of months, and that you are certain that she would not mind not going to he funeral (which form part of your reasons/plans for not telling her) then I think she will cope with knowing. It is pretty common to lose a grandparent aged 14-18. It is likely she will have seen some classmates go through this. Children know their grandparents are old. They know that old people die. However close they are, with adequate preparation, it should be a sadness they can cope with, although obviously also tell school if it actually happens right in the middle of exams.

Knowing now that your Mum hasn't got long gives you some runway to prepare your daughter sensibly for a sad, but inevitable fact. How you frame dying and death now will shape how she responds if her grandmother dies during the first week of exams. I know this is incredibly hard for you as well, but you can all spend time together, and encourage her to think of death as release from illness, now much granny loves her and wants her to do well.

If you shield her too much, she could react much more dramatically than you might expect, particularly if she is tired and stressed about her exams. Let her be a part of the process as much as she wants to be, to minimse any shock.

Or she could have told the university who would be very, very used to managing situations like this and put measures in place to support your friend.

You need to be preparing byour daughter for this now regardless of exams. Tell her the truth as you have it. If you withhold it from her she will probably never trust you again.

My grandaughter had exactly this prior to her exams but she was 'kept in the loop ' throughout and coped admirably.

This is an extremely good point. It's so upsetting I know, but you are already processing this which is a protective factor for you in coping when the time comes. She should have that opportunity too. Shock would make it harder, even if comes from a place of trying to shield her.

Special consideration can be made for a student who needs to miss an exam.
Exam bodies acknowledge that unforeseen situations & family emergencies happen; they recognise that in fact exams are not the most crucial thing in certain situations.
Their future should not be impacted negatively by attending a funeral.

I think it's very strange for you to tell your children how they should inform their own children of your own death. As you won't be there, I think it's very much up to your children how they manage the situation.

Doesn’t always work that way. I’ve helped organise a funeral. You are constrained by available dates and then You have lots of people who can’t do certain days. You might have uncle Jon having to fly in from Australia. You have auntie sue who can only organise childcare on certain days. Some families may be very simple but other families you have multiple siblings and their families. Sometimes you take the day that works for the most and it might be inconvenient from an exam POV.

I was studying in France when my Gran died and my parents decided I shouldn’t come home when I wanted to because of exams and chose funeral date accordingly. It made me feel alone like I wasn’t part of the family and I resented it for a long time. I never got a chance to say goodbye. You can’t predict the date of death and the funeral date can be chosen to avoid exams. Best thing is to be honest and treat your daughter as the adult they nearly are.

My friend’s grandad died a week or maybe two weeks before my friend’s exam at university. My friend had already come to terms that her grandad was dying and been to see him shortly before he died. My friend was relieved that her mum hadn’t told her about the death because she would’ve failed her exam.

She can always resit an exam. You can’t go to a funeral more than once. During my A levels, my mum died. I thought I could just do my English exam and then go to the funeral after. Thankfully my English teacher removed me from the exam list. I sat it a few months later (Jan exam) and I now have a degree.
I wouldn’t have had a redo for the funeral.

I’m so sorry I didn’t read your post properly, I thought she had already passed away without her knowing I didn’t release she was poorly in hospital. Yes I’m afraid I have to agree you others really must let her say her goodbyes to her now, maybe take her in and see her sooner rather than later then she is prepared.

Ask her what she would want?.

I wouldn't want to know if in the next 2 days I was going to have an exam in a subject I was taking at A level. For some of the other exams I just wouldn't want to know on the day of the exam but once I have sat it yes.

I wouldn't want the news to be held off for the entire exam period but there would be certain days where I would rather the news wait personally.

I used to work at a uni and once had to console a mother who had lost a parent a few days earlier. She had held off telling her before her exams but travelled up and was waiting for her to come out of the exam to tell her. I sat with her whilst she waited.

Does your DD know her gran is unwell? Are they close?

I personally wouldn't keep it from her. I understand your need to protect her but she is (likely) going to be very upset and hurt that you kept something so important from her.

As others have said, speak to the school and explain the situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My Dad died last year and it's awful.

@Lucielue79 OP I get your dilemma. We want the best for our kids and they work hard and you want them to do well. Maybe have a word with the school and explain? They might have already experienced this before and have some advice for you?

If you want her to never trust you again go ahead

Presumably you’ll be arranging the funeral? Speak to your DD to find out whether she would like to go or not, and then try to book around exam days.

In my view, not telling your child her grandmother has died is very odd and she’s not likely to thank you. In fact, the more I think of it the more terrible it sounds!

I would 100% hold off telling her. You aren’t lying you are just delaying when you tell her. I would totally understand if my parents had to do this. I don’t know what her plans are after secondary school but she could potentially miss a course if her grades aren’t at the required standard, you’ll never know if that B would have been an A if she hadn’t known and thrown her off. It won’t stop her grieving you’re just delaying when she does. If she asks you outright you’ll have to say but for the sake of a week or so I would. Her grandmother would understand….. I’ll even tell my children do the same with their children when it’s my time to go. Their future comes first and exams are absolutely crucial especially in this day and age x

I'm presuming that this is an attempt at sarcasm? There is no way would GCSEs be shifted around for one candidate.

There is a Contingency Day(s) in the event of national or significant local disruption to examinations in the United Kingdom but nothing for individuals.

You sit the exam at the time specified and do your best. You might get a small percentage special consideration for personal events, such as a death, extensive trauma, seriously ill etc etc but it's not a lot.

I’ve done this recently for various reasons. They still don’t know months after. However they havent seen her in recent years.