To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

You're right, you don't deserve the word vile. That's very unkind. We suffered the loss of my dear nan recently. I was lucky to be able to be there at the end and it was peaceful (I'm not suggesting you take DD to be with her). What I would suggest is maybe speaking to the pastoral team at her school quietly in advance to seek their guidance and support. That's what they are there for. Fill them in and work out a plan for if the worst happens and how you navigate the GCSEs. Honestly though, GCSEs are not the be all and end all. Resits can happen and she may surprise you. Plus extenuating circumstances can be taken into consideration. And I say that with nearly 20 years in secondary education. You are in a horrible situation. I'm very sorry that you are going through all this and I wish you the best in this x

I wouldn't hide it.
As pp have said, gently prepare her for the worst. I'd also talk to school and see what can be done in these circumstances if your mum were to pass away in the middle of exams.

I still have not forgiven my mother for “protecting” me by not telling me about a grandparent’s passing as soon as reasonably possible in case it had an adverse effect. You need to tell her when it happens, don’t break her trust, it will affect your relationship forever.

You can delay the funeral in uk it’s cost a bit more but it would be worth it. She will want to attend. My mum passed when DD was abroad on a uni placement. My specifically requested she wasn’t told till she was back kn country as it ruin the trip. It was very difficult with social media. And very very stressful I couldn’t tell many people as these things get out. If she living with you then no way can you not tell her
obviously you could delay to the weekend though but that’s as far as I would go. And delay the funeral. You can let the school know she may get dispensation especially if at borderline grade mark, it’s GCSEs I’m sure it won’t matter in scheme of life. Just get her to revise as much as possible early to give her the best chance of performing,
of course it may not happen anyway in that timeframe and I really hope so x

Only you know your child and how close she is to her and what her state of mind. My DD is highly sensitive so whilst I wouldn’t downplay how ill she was I also would delay telling her.

But how will you manage the funeral?
Will she want to say farewell - maybe get a visit in before exams start?

My parents didn’t tell me that my grandmother had passed until after my skiing holiday (I was away without family). This was 30 years ago and it still upsets me to think of this. I didn’t go to the funeral (abroad). I would have really liked to go. She was my favourite person on earth.

Sorry to hear you're facing this.

Potentially controversial but couldn't you warn her now grandma won't get better? So she could spend the time with her? Make precious memories?

I'm not sure I'd appreciate being kept in the dark, and I think the emotional vibe at home would impact her regardless

We had this last year. grandpa then died at the end of July so there was no upset during the exams. I decided that we won't say how ill Grandpa was. however if he passed away we would let them know. if you are involved with arranging the funeral I suggest you find a day were there aren't exams. also let the school know what is happening as you can get sympathetic marking. We did when our son was doing his GCSE's as my husband was in hospital for 9 weeks and very ill (all good now!)

Talk to the school so that you know what is possible. Talk to your daughter asap, so she knows where things stand and what might happen. Do everything you can to make sure she can go to the funeral.

No, just tell her.

There is a huge amount of admin and conversation that happens around a death, and a teenager will absolutely notice that you are concealing something from her.

FWIW - my grandfather died two days before I started my GCSEs and I missed his funeral because I had an exam. I loved him very much and I was sad that he'd died, but it had zero impact on my exams to be honest.

So you’ll also be essentially stopping her from seeing her even again? With no time to say goodbye?

She might also resent you if you all just have the funeral without her and she didn’t get to go.

I did an exam the day after a funeral, my first ever death - I couldn’t imagine having not been told about it.

I was 10 years old, and in my first month at my new grammar school. I was in an art class and was called by a teacher to go to the Head Teacher's office. I did, and was told that my father was dead, and that I was to go home immediately. I walked two miles to the bus stop, another mile to my home. I was told to go and change and then take the dog for a walk. I was drinking a glass of water in the kitchen and heard the undertakers bumping his coffin down the stairs and the front door shutting behind them. I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral.

Afterwards, he was very rarely mentioned in conversations and his photos were removed from view.
I'm in my late seventies now, and I still cry over his loss. I inherited his very clever mind, and have had an excellent professional career, so I feel that, in me, he lives on.

I don't think you can do that. What if her funeral happens at the time of the exams?The exams last from May to the end of June so it would be possible. Would you just not tell her about that?
I think your daughter will be hurt and possibly angry that you were not honest with her. She may have feelings of guilt that she didn't see your Mum because she didn't know she was dying.
I think you have to be honest with your daughter. You can contact the exam officer at school and ask for special consideration if your Mum dies during the exam period.
Really sorry to read that your Mum is so ill. If she dies, give yourself time to grieve. My Mum died when my child was a newborn. I stupidly tried to carry on as normal. There are no prizes for the and it had negative consequences further down the line.

With respect you dont know how you will feel my mum died 7 weeks ago and it hits me at different times .

I also was shielded from my Grandmother's death. My Dad told my sister and brother that she was going to die (in hospital)- and they sat around her bed and held her hand. I lived 2hrs away and was in the hospital all day, and he didn't tell me until I got home. I was absolutely fuming- that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye- he said he was worried about me driving home when I am upset. I still 15 odd years later remember it with anger (and I absolutely adore my dad, he apologised but it still makes me itrate)

My grandmother died some 40 years ago and my mother delayed telling me by 3 days (I was on holiday, but not far away, easily reached - not same as exams, I know). I have actually never forgotten that feeling of betrayal, that I was last to know and the information kept from me.

Can you have the conversation now with her, explain that grandmother's health is declining, it is likely nothing else can be done for her and she will pass within the next few months. Say you are worried about her exams if this should happen at that time, does she want to know, does she want to attend funeral, does she want you to look into what special circumstance provisions can be made, IF this was to happen. See what her reaction is now, gives her time to process some of it before exams. Talk to school about what special provisions she might be able to get if the death (or funeral) was during exams.

Presumably the funeral can be arranged at a time suitable for you, even if it gets postponed by 3 weeks it might give her the chance to complete exams and be "business as usual" but still attend funeral and have that chance to remember her grandmother.

Speak to the school, give them a heads up that it might happen, they can then talk you through the options available for your daughter if the death does end up being during the exam period.

Speak to your daughter, give her the heads up that it's a possibility, see how she actually wants you to handle it. You never know, if she's got some concept of the fact that her grandmother is ill, the possibility might even have occurred to her anyway and she just hasn't raised it yet.

Unless it's a situation like some people have mentioned where grandma dies in the morning and daughter has an exam in the afternoon and you keep it quiet just for that morning until she's done the afternoon exam, I wouldn't recommend keeping it quiet (unless maybe you do speak to her and that's what she asks you to do). Even if you tried, you still couldn't guarantee she wouldn't find out - all it would take would be a cousin reaching out to her (we were all older than GCSE year when our grandad died and this wasn't an issue, but you bet that us cousins all reached out to each other that day), her answering the phone to the undertaker, or some well meaning friend offering condolences in front of her, and that would be it, and probably make it worse finding out that way.

I wondered whether it was something like the family live quite far away from grandma, so the daughter could easily go for a couple of months without seeing her in person, but they do have a close relationship.

My concern with not telling her would be that she gets upset that I didn't give her a chance to see her to say goodbye. As your mum is very poorly, I'd be more inclined to tell my daughter so she can spend some time with her now, or at least make the decision herself if she didn't want to. If you hide the whole thing she might feel like you robbed her of that chance.

Don’t keep it from her, it’ll double the pain when she finds out that not only has she lost a grandparent but she’s also been lied to. I’m not the biggest fan of “tough love” but I think this is maybe one of those life lessons that she should learn sooner rather than later. Let the school know but don’t expect any allowances. These awful life events happen to everyone, my parents chose a random Wednesday afternoon to divide my entire childhood home literally down to the last teaspoon in their incredibly hostile 5-year-long divorce proceedings, it was also the day of my History A-Level exam. Sometimes you just have to put your emotional shit on the shelf for 2 hours and bang out the Russian Revolution.

How close is she to your mum?

If shes close and this could prevent an opportunity for your DD to say goodbye and have some closure then I’d say you should tell her.

If this was my Nan on my mums side, I wouldn’t be able to forgive you for not having that choice to see her and say goodbye etc.

grandparents on other side I would probably get over it but only you know your daughter and the relationship that they have.

Some things are bigger than exams in the grand scheme of life. Exams can be retaken, we only lose our grandparents once.

We had a family member die during my daughters’ mocks (last month) and they missed the funeral because they had exams that day. It didn’t occur to me not to tell them tbh. I have however, thought about this a bit recently as one of my parents is also not in the best of health and GCSEs are around the corner. Funerals make you think. I know I would have to tell them in that situation (I’m very heart on sleeve) and would hope that we’ve raised them to be resilient enough to crack on with their exams. They did very well in their mocks btw, but they put in a lot of prep work. It’s not easy.

No OP you absolutely can't do this to her and anyway she might be with you when someone else offers their condolences or she hears it mentioned by someone else . No one else will assume a death is a secret.
Also be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve without tiptoeing around pretending the death hasn't happened.
If she fails exams because of this then there are obviously other issues going on and if she does fail them then it's still not the end of the world or the worst thing in life to have happened. Chat to her so she knows the death might happen soon and prepare her.

@Lucielue79 why not put off the funeral until after the exam season? I'm off to a funeral tomorrow for someone who died back in January, it doesn't need to be done immediately.

There a difference between been ill and about to die. I would absolutely discuss it with the senco.