To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

I would second suggestions you ask dd now what she would like if the worst happens. When ds sat his exams his dad was having a lot of potentially sight loosing surgery . We asked him what and when he wanted to know. We had kept quite previously when issue had started , he was very angry and quite clear he wanted to know if it happened again, which it did.

Nope. That's not what they're for.

We were in the sane position final exams at uni, we kept quiet. So sad for your loss. BTW our DS was grateful not to have known

Contingency days are not for individual pupils. They are for if there has been a national fuck up and an exam couldn’t be sat on the scheduled day (exam released on line for example meaning the reserve paper would need to be distributed to centres which can take time)

I sat my last A level exam on the day my grandad died. I was able to compartmentalise my grief and power on. I knew he wouldn’t have wanted me to fail because of him. However, everyone is different.

Please tell her. Start preparing her now, tell her Granny is very unwell, may die. And remember - 6 degrees of separation

I know a family where they didn't tell DD of the unexpected death of a old school friend. Coming up to GCSEs.

Day before the funeral, which was the day before exams started too, the DD bumped into someone who knew someone who was a cousin of the friend who died and of course the death and the funeral were mentioned. Absolutely distraught DD. On the eve of her exams. Yes she was going to be very upset about the death of her friend, but she would have had a week or more to get her her around it. School could have been informed so additional support could have been arranged

You simply can't guarantee she won't hear about her Granny's death from someone else, even if you manage to keep a lid on your own grief.

My parents tried to do exactly this when I was doing my A Levels, and it completely backfired because I found out when someone offered condolences and it was the first I had heard of it. I felt totally betrayed and humiliated.

Be honest with your child but apply for special consideration if it happens during the actual GCSEs. You can’t do this before or after her exams. Sorry you’re going through this x

I think it would be ok to delay telling her so it’s not just before an exam, but it would be very hard for her to be told that the funeral happened & she didn’t know.

I would think that she is old enough to have an opinion & to know that her GM is likely to die soon. So the best option would be to discuss it with her & get her to agree that if GM dies during an exam week then you won’t tell her until the Friday evening.

Also, as the deceased’s daughter surely you can request a Saturday funeral as least disruptive.

Speak to the school, they will have come across this situation before.

I wouldn’t hide it from her. Lay the ground work now.

You have to tell her. If it were me I would never forgive you. I had a lot of MH issues around my GF’s death which I feel were a result of how it was handled including a delay in being told.

Things you can do is pre-warn the school, there will be an opportunity for mitigating circumstances if they are needed.

My parents did this to me while I was doing my GCSE’s my Gran died on Wednesday but I wasn’t told until Friday after my last exam. Unfortunately I randomly bumped into a very very distant relative on Wednesday lunch time while out at the shops on lunch break. I was laughing and joking around as 16 years do and he saw me and said I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma in that moment I knew she had died (I’d been told she was poorly)and had to do 3 days worth of exams knowing but not knowing. I’ve never forgotten or forgiven my mum and it has totally messed me up

I really wouldn't do this. I have worked with young people where secrets have been kept and it breaks all trust. No exam is worth that.
I know that there are contingency days so I wonder if they would be used for funerals. Be worth talking to school about that

Obviously, you're very worried about your mum, but this is all a hypothetical. The actual likelihood of her passing away during the exact fortnight of exams is fairly slim anyway.
But if you DO think that's quite likely, then you'd do far better by speaking to your DD about it.
"Grandma is very ill, and it's likely she might die around the time you're doing your exams. How would be best to handle this?"

Of course it wouldn't be reasonable to try and hide the death from your DD.

Won't you be upset? Even it's a slow build up and not unexpected when it does finally happen, it's still horribly upsetting, and I honestly don't think you'll be able to hide it well enough for the average 15/16yo to NOT notice something's up.

OP, until your DM actually dies, you have absolutely no idea of how it will affect you.

Your DD is of an age where she understands that death happens. Presumably she knows that her GM is seriously unwell, so I really think that the best thing you can do is prepare her for the loss. You could even ask her if she would prefer you not to tell her if it does occur during exams, at least that way she'll have a choice in the matter., but in your shoes, I personally would tell her, and allow her to experience grief with everyone else, as death is very much a part of life, and we all have to deal with it at some point.

We had a slightly different but similar situation. When DS went to uni, he knew both GDs were ill and would likely die within the year. We sat down and asked him, should anything happen close to or during exams would you like us tell you or not? We actually had the same conversation when he went travelling for 2 months the summer before uni.

He decided he was ok to be told in revision time, but not during the actual exams. I think a proper conversation with your DC now is the way forward, so they can have a think about what they want and you all know where you stand.

I found out about a family member's death about 10 minutes before I was picked up for my driving test. I passed with flying colours!

If she has an exam that day, delivering the news can wait. Otherwise, you must tell her. It would have put a huge strain on my teenage relationship with my mother if she had withheld knowledge of my grandmother's death.

Should it happen, schedule the funeral for a non-exam day.

Might sound controversial to say you’re NOT being unreasonable not to tell her YET due to exams. I can only go off my own personal experience had my Dissertation for my undergraduate Degree due around the time my Grandma had a stroke and was admitted to hospital and I was so worried for her that I wasn’t able to Concentrate on my studies the same way. When she did eventually pass away I was so bereaved that I wasn’t able to function properly as she was such a strong presence in my childhood upbringing, I was so close to both my grandparents, but my grandma in particular, I still only got a 3rd in my Dissertation, which pulled my overall grade form to a 2:1.

studying isn’t everything, but my point is, upsetting her will likely distract or unsettle her from performing the way she would do in regular circumstances, like you said OP you can help her mourn and grieve your loss together at a later time when everything settled.

Just explain the reasoning behind the delay and that you are keeping her best interests at heart as you know how much she’s been studying working hard to pass her exams and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Hopefully she’ll see why in time.

The only alternative would be if she’s still not been told and the grandmother’s funeral would need to take place, as she’ll obviously want to attend. Another thing you’ll need to consider is if the younger sibling will say something to her if you tell her, but not the older DC. I would either tell them both now, or wait and tell them both together once your oldest DC has done her exams. But it’s so hard to call. 🤷‍♀️😬

I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all 😢😔

My dad died early morning. My son who was extremely close to him had an interview for his first teaching job that day. I didn’t tell him until after his interview. Wouldn’t have been able to keep it from him for any longer than that.

Have you spoken to school welfare/ pastoral team and the exams officer?
exams boards would give special considerations to a student who has just had a bereavement.
speak to school and let them guide you.
i am so sorry you are going through this and want to send a virtual hug

Totally get where you're coming from. My DM is old and poorly. DD is in A level year and so much is riding on this. Wouldn't hesitate to do as you suggest if the worst happens near her exams.

I'm afraid no matter what sort of student your daughter is GCSE's are really not that important- tell her, if you don't she may never forgive you.

If you can delay the funeral until after the exams there is nothing to be gained telling her during. So I wouldn’t. If you can hold it together at home so she doesn’t realise (or worry something else bad is happening. I personally couldn’t).

I’ve had very bad family news when pregnant and I think it has had an affect on my child. My sister had a miscarriage which I think was caused by the stress of it.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

But what if the funeral fell on a day where she didn’t have an exam, and she didn’t need to miss an exam for it?
Would you then still not tell her and have her miss her grans funeral?

I know every family dynamic is different but I think back to being 16 and doing my GCSEs and my mum would just never have done this. I would have wanted to be at my own grans funeral. Will your daughter not hugely resent you for making her miss this? And how would she feel knowing the rest of the family went, and knew about it, and she didn’t? Would she not be so hurt?