To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

I had similar when my Dad died two years ago. He was critically ill and DD was sitting her first year exam at Uni 200 miles away. It was however only one exam I lied to her when she called me just before she went in and said we were at the hospital, I then rang her BF to ask him to go to campus to be with her and she rang me as soon as the exam was over and I told her. She was devastated and got straight on the train home. I can't imagine holding it in for a longer period of time, we are a very close family. I don't know op it is a tough one and only you will know what is best for your DD but GCSEs take place over weeks so it may be tricky to hide.

if you don’t tell her you are giving the message that secrets have to be kept because reality cannot be borne.

it’s better to tell her. That gives the message this is very painful - and the timing is very difficult- but it can be borne and we can get through it together and support each other.

Also it is happening, you can’t hide it. She will know on some level. She’ll know something is off and odd and that might disturb her more than the truth.

Shes 16 and is old enough to know I think.

Very sorry you are going through this.

No, don't do this. You will lose her trust at an important age. Start preparing her now, make sure she knows it's coming and possibly during her exams, and let school know.

Will you need to be away? Why wouldn't she go to the funeral, is it too far to travel? Surely the funeral could be arranged during a break in exams? Please don't prevent her going unless it's impossible. I couldn't go to my cousin's funeral due to Covid restrictions and it made it very hard to get over.

I had a friend whose parents did this. She knew anyway because of whispered conversations/sensing a change in tone at home etc, she talked to me at school “I think my grandad has died, but mum and dad haven’t told me, I’m not sure whether I’m allowed to ask”. Much more unsettling than if she’d been told directly I think.

My Dad died a couple of weeks ago. DD is at Oxford and had to hand her dissertation in and has finals coming up. Dad lived in Oxford and together we made sure she was prepared and knew that he didn't have long. She was really sad (they were very close) but she managed to get her work completed as she had already done some of her grieving.

You still have a few weeks until exams. Start preparing her now. Presumably you will have some say in the funeral date? Make sure it's not on a day where she has exams.

I just think she might hold it against you if you hide it from her.

I was very close to my grandmother and if my mum had done something like this I would never have forgiven her. All trust would be gone. I can’t even imagine hiding something like that. I get that you mean well but this would be far more traumatising than the death itself.

My grandmother died the day before my GCSEs started. Because my parents who was the bereaved child was away at the time amd my other parent was working I spent most of the day trying to get hold of my parent in a remote place to tell them their mother was dead.

School was told, and I was given compassionate marking. My parents had to supply a copy of the death certificate for this. Got straight A's.

If it happens- tell her. I have also been in situations where my parents kept sad or difficult news from me to 'protect' me emotionally. It doesn't work. It just delays the inevitable, prevents you from sharing those experiences with your closest support network and seeds mis- trust which lingers much longer

My mum died when my eldest was doing A level and my youngest doing GCSE. Never occurred to me to hide it. The school organised for them to get special consideration for their remaining exams and my children carried on with their exams. I’m stoic and usually quite emotionally level but it hit me like a ton of bricks. The main issue was I wasn’t me for the remainder of the exams and they struggled with that. The funeral was organised for a day when there was no exam and a weekend immediately after and both kids got what they were predicted and went off to do the next thing.

hiding such a big life event from your child is a terrible idea

Your DD deserves to know.

She can then make her own decisions regarding attending the funeral. I’m assuming she will be 16. That’s an age where you should be making these big decisions yourself.

My mother attempted to do this with me. My siblings intervened. I'm very grateful. You can't break her trust like this.

Okay this ACTUALLY happened to my and my sibling so is prob a useful response.

my DGM had a long and good life. We weren’t small children (a levels and uni)
we said goodbye every time we saw her (she’d be telling me to give her a big hug because she’d be dead soon since I about 4 or 5…!

I was absolutely fine with it and understood the reasoning.
my sibling was not very happy.
context - they saw the funeral as an opportunity to reconnect with family members who they had difficult relationships with and felt robbed with regard to that iyswim…

Given how long uk funerals take to arrange you could def fudge the dates by a week or so if that’s what’s needed to be post exam

Talk to the school SENCO. They can apply to the rxam board for special consideration because your child will be disadvantaged in the exam. I would do this regardless of if the have a very sick grandparent or a bereavement because it will impact their performance in the exam.

My mother didn’t tell me for 3 days my grandmother had died. We live quite far away and my mother didn’t allow me to see her either. Our relationship is really damaged. (Although this is part of a pattern of other behaviour).

When are her exams? I personally think it's not a bad idea.

Would rest of you go to the funeral and not tell where you are going? Then after exam tell that grandparent passed and has been buried and rest of the family attended funeral?

When I was 16 my grandmother had cancer and no one told me.

I still resent them to this day for that decision. I wanted to know and would have dealt with any fallout.

Don't do that to your daughter.

This

Allow you’d DD the opportunity to say goodbye. Contact the school and let them know.

Sorry you're going through this 💐agree that the best thing to do is explain the gravity of the situation now so it doesn't come as a shock.

You are projecting, @Lucielue79
Give your daughter the facts, and some credit that she is mature enough to cope.

My parents did this to me when I was at school. A friend from my junior school passed away and my DM chose not to tell me because of exams. I definitely lost a lot of trust in her, I was devastated when she told me. And I’d missed the funeral.

I’d probably avoid doing this myself, just because I know how much it affected me, and 20 something years later I still can’t believe my DM thought it was a good idea.

Exactly this.

Exams are a set date. You miss that date you have to wait for the next exam date, which is November. This would affect the 2 year course she is going to start in September.

She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her

If she won’t notice a GP has died then I think she’d be ok to tell. My DD lost her GP couple of weeks ago but because there is a distance between them it’s made the grieving process easier for her. This happened during her mocks and she still did well.

This.

OP you seem determined to prevent her from attending the funeral. If my mum hid my DGM death and made me miss her funeral I would never forgive her.