To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

Funerals often take a long time now. With MIL it was 8 weeks between passing away and the funeral.

I would do this. Have a gentle chat with her, tell her it might not happen but what would she think about it? Exams are not a solid block, she probably has half term in the middle and weekends of course. You might agree a plan e.g. waiting until Friday to tell her so she has time to process it. The disadvantage to this is she might be hyper alert to your moods and ve second guessing you.

I think as a 16yo I would have understood not being told for a bit. My exams were very important to me. However I might have felt in the dark if I hadn't been told for weeks. I would have accepted not going to the funeral if that clashed with exams.

She’s too old to be doing this OP. Be honest with her now about her grans health.

No. She would have to wait another year and only be able to take Englush and maths. GCSEs are pretty inflexible. I don't think November exams are a thing now.

As funerals take so long to arrange it is likely that it wouldn't take place until after exams anyway.

When my next door neighbour died they delayed the funeral until after one of the grandchildren had sat her finals at university.

also don’t underestimate how long it takes to arrange a funeral. It’s just taken us nearly 3 weeks to get a death certificate.

how close is DD to her grandmother. If she doesn’t see her much then potentially she will be fine.

My uncle died on the morning of my first A-level exam. I knew it was coming - my mum
was very open about that and gave me the opportunity to visit him. I actually stayed with a friend the night before the exam (he died in the early hours) so I didn’t find out before my exam, but my mum told me as soon as I got home (I had a few days until the next exam anyway). I understand your want to protect your DD so I think not telling her for a day or so (or on the day of an exam) is fine, but I don’t think you should keep it a secret for any longer. The funeral can be arranged for a day she doesn’t have an exam.

You can also notify the school of special circumstances if it impacts any exams - I didn’t feel I needed to in the end (and my results were all as predicted) but it’s an option if you feel she needs it.

You can choose the time of the funeral, to an extent. You may be able to wait till most of the exams are over.

But you will have some (if not all of the) say in the date of the funeral, so can schedule it for a time that works for your daughter.

Don’t underestimate the ability of your child to take the death in their stride either, especially if they are not that close to them (which is implied by the fact that you could even hide it from her). Two of my GP died a couple of months before my O Levels, and whilst I was sad I was mature enough to recognise that having to cope with the death of your GPs in your teens was a pretty normal and natural thing to happen and got on with my life.

I haven't forgiven my dad for not telling me my Grandma died til after her funeral. I wasn't stupid I knew something was wrong but nobody would tell me what.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation as a child, was not told the truth and not allowed to go to the funeral of a relative I loved very much. I have never forgotten and have felt sad about it ever since, over 50 years later. Please don’t hide it from her.

Considering it's March, could you ask her? Is she mature enough to understand the implications of being told?

I think telling her, but with lots of support, and re-assuring her that her gran would have wanted her to get on with studying and making the best of her life, and is right behind her.

And try and keep things calm and low key.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Hiding it isn't a good idea for all the reasons already discussed. My DS went to a big event in London in the middle of his GCSEs which involved an overnight stay. Fortunately it coincided with a day when he didn't have an exam as we had no control over the date. It was important to him to be there. Just because someone is sitting exams doesn't mean they can't do other things.

FWIW I am an exam invigilator and this is not an uncommon scenario.

i agree with PP who said talk to your school's exams officer. They will have a protocol for how the exams are conducted in such a scenario. It's happened twice in the 3 years I have done invigilation. The situation was reported to the exams board as a 'special consideration' and had to be backed up with evidence. In our case it is a small independent school so we were able to put the student who was quite distressed into her own room with her own invigilator so she could express any grief she may have felt in privacy (and also did not disturb the other candidates).

I think it depends on the timescale. If it’s a case of waiting a couple of days then I think that would be ok, if it’s a week or more or worse even several weeks then I think she would feel betrayed.

As my name suggests, my DSis died last year totally unexpectedly though so slightly different. DS had exams at uni (that he had previously failed). The exams were make or break as to whether he stayed at uni.

She died on the Tuesday but we didn’t go down and tell him until the evening on the Thursday when his exams had finished. We were not nearby so he wouldn’t have seen our demeanour. I’m not a crier generally but there is no way I could have hidden it if we were in the same house.

I think you would do best by starting to prepare your DD for the worst now, including making sure she’s “ahead” on revision so that she can take her exams on auto-pilot if needed. (Obviously you would find a better way of expressing it than that, if at all).
I think being upset will have a bigger impact on the ability to absorb any last-minute learning than on the actual sitting of the exam. I’m so sorry that this is adding stress to what must already be a difficult time for you.

GCSEs start beginning of May and finish late June (depending on subjects). That’s a long time to keep news away from someone

This. The exam time table has already been issued so your DD will know what days she doesn't have any exams or only has one a day. If the inevitable happens during the exams you can arrange with the funeral director what date you want to hold it and do it on an exam free day.

Bless you OP, you are probably exhausted and stressed , and trying to find ways to manage a terrible situation. You are catastrophising that the worst is going to happen for your daughter and trying to come up with a strategy to deal with it.

But it's probably your mind trying to find something you can control while you are in the middle of this horrendous stage of knowing that your mum is going to die but not really knowing when. That stage is so painful and so draining, it's quite normal for your brain to be running around anticipating and solving all the hundreds of scenarios that come into your head.

But as everyone has said, it may not happen at the time you are worried about, and if it does it may not be as bad for your daughter as you think. It may be as bad or worse in other ways for you personally but we can't cross that bridge until we come to it. And actually, dreadful as grief is, it's a sign of the real love you have for your mum and you wouldn't want to have loved her less. So think about support for yourself, take it a day at a time, and trust that you will get through this.

Sorry for your situation but no this would be very unreasonable. A delay of teling her by up to 12 hours could be acceptable if the death happens the night before a maths or english exam. A delay of days or weeks is just a horrible thing to do.

Exam board will adjust marks for extenuating circumstances including bereavement.

I think it depends on relationships and the individuals involved. My DM didn't tell me my DGM was dying and that she died during my university finals. I was fine with it as educational meant the world to my DGM and not telling me was exactly what she would have wanted. But we didn't have months of run up to it, it was a fairly short period of time.

My grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer whilst I was doing my GCSE’s, she didn’t die until later in the end but it’s was kept from me for a while and I was very upset with my parents. Not saying it wouldn’t have made a difference but just to throw it in. If she actually dies then keeping it from her probably isn’t right or practical. Maybe if she had one exam left but otherwise she’s likely to be cross with you. You’ll have to play it by ear.

We are in this situation, although it’s my daughter’s great-grandma. She’s 89 and we’re all incredibly close. She lives at the end of our street and therefore we see her regularly. I’ve told DD that things are pretty inevitable, and it’s likely to come within the next few months and therefore within exam season. She’s taken it quite well, and is enjoying spending time with her Nan whilst she can.

My advice would be to tell her, so that she can prep for it happening and understanding how it will make her feel. It’ll also give her the opportunity to spend time with her, should she wish so.

It would depend. If it was literally the morning of an exam I wouldn’t say anything. But two weeks before I probably would.

Obviously you can't do your GCSEs at a different time but you can ask for special consideration, I know someone who this did happen too although the death was unexpected