House deposit

This is a shame OP, could it be worth explaining to your brother and asking him for a loan if possible? If he's as well-off as you say.

I would give the child who needed the deposit 20k without giving the other anything at that time, as it doesn't sound like they need it currently? But then I'd expect to give the other something when they needed it too.

No , I would not do that.
My husband's brother had a big house bought for him by my in-laws and my husband did not receive anything.
It caused major issues in the family for years.

I’m the older child who earns (now more than my siblings) and I have my mortgage on my home. My middle sibling has moved in with her partner and is now on the mortgage with him. My younger sibling who earns a good salary but is in HA house.

I wouldn’t mind if my younger sibling got some help, it would feel a little unequal as me and my other sibling haven’t ever had any help. Right now it feels fair but what happens if something happens like one of looses our jobs or ill health.

My younger sibling though often complains that their life is harder, even though they made their own choices in life (had children very young but luckily enough went back to uni and got a degree which now means they in a very good job and have good pension) They do feel very much entitled to more help as they don’t own their own house and expect it rather than being offered /gifted.

I don’t expect anything but it would hurt a little if they helped my sibling. Not that I would say it out aloud.

So you found out about this because you asked and they said no?

I honestly think the answer to all situations like this is- open and honest communication and the feeling that equity and equality are considered.

I would always try and help a child if I could, but not at the expense of the feelings of the other.

In this circumstance as child 1, I wouldn’t be able to accept help, and particularly if that meant a negative impact to my sibiling. I think my sibling would feel pretty much the same, so I suspect that this may not the first time that sibiling 1 has received preferential treatment?

I am basically child 1 here, though we didn’t get help from PIL for deposit. I’m lucky to be in much better paid work than my sibling. Sibling works at least as hard, probably harder. I would in no way begrudge my parents giving sibling a 20k gift towards deposit. I’d probably be trying to pass some money to them to help sibling too.

But it does depend on a lot of things. And I don’t think that how I feel should be how others in my situation would feel.

edited to add - when we were in a much tighter position with high early mortgage costs and expensive childcare crossover for a couple of years, my parents helped us monthly with a contribution to childcare costs. They said if they lived closer they’d have looked after baby for us but they are hours away and couldn’t but wanted to help. We were very grateful. I don’t know if they did similar for sibling but I would not be at all surprised. Basically I know if we needed it they would help. So I don’t begrudge anything.

@GassyCanister blatant favouritism!! that is awful! on the plus side you can refer your parents to your brother when they need assistance as they get older and you can also cut the lot of them out of your life! you brother most likely knows that he is the golden child!

It depends, if child 1 needed additional space and child 2 was significantly younger and not in the position to buy yet I wouldn’t feel the need to give them the exact same amount as long as it balanced out over time.

In the situation you describe I would be stepping away.
Such inequity is wrong.
Accept it and step away.
It sounds like he is the favoured child.
You cannot change parents like this.
Best accept it and step away.

Treating people equally doesn’t mean that they both get the same. It depends on circumstances. Sometimes practical support is more useful than financial. Sometimes, financial support is necessary.

I just can’t get past the fact you’re quoting paying your child’s bus fares to get them to SCHOOL as helping them out.

I have read your comment over and over and I am still just stunned. Bus fares. To school.

No probably not, I think I’d give £10k each. Although, I might consider gifting it to the first time buyer and making sure to stipulate the difference of inheritance in my will. Just based on need. But would have an open honest conversation with both kids to make sure both were on board.

If one was considerably better off and more financially secure than the other, I might well give what help I could afford to the less well-off one for the time being, but I would adjust my Will to redress the balance once I am dead so that overall they receive equally.

My husband's brother was gifted £60k to get on the property ladder whilst my DH was given £0.

My DH and his brother rented a flat together when I met my DH. We met later in life (late 30's) and I was already on the property ladder. We bought a house together.

BIL said he's quite like to own somewhere but didn't earn enough to get an enough of a mortgage. My PIL gifted him £60k to help him buy a fat with a modest mortgage.

It's really, really affected my DH. He has tried to talk to his parents about it but they say he got on the property ladder through me so didn't need 'help'. It's really upsetting for him as he thinks it's favoutism and I can't help but agree. There are no underlying health conditions with the brother, he just works in a minimum wage job because he doesn't want any stress. He is single and happy that way.

I just can't see how they think giving one brother £60k and the other £0 is right? There are other things they do for the brother as well (including MIL making him packed lunches for work - he's 38) but that's a whole other thread. He's been totally babied by them.

Potentially. Dc1 very academic qualified in the 11+ for grammar. Over the time there we paid a small fortune in bus fares, they then went to university and had a small amount of financial input- car insurance costs etc. Now has a good career and financially secure.

Dc2 not academic, left school, got a job and is earning slightly more than minimum wage, paid for their own car insurance but will struggle to get a mortgage based on their income. Yes, we may well support them but this will be done in discussion with them both.

My job is to support them as best as I can, and help them with what they need at different times in their lives.

I think it's ok to treat your children differently according to their circumstances and need. For example, many years ago my parents gave me money towards a flat deposit and then contributed to our wedding. My sibling didn't get the same as he wasn't buying a property and didn't get married. But they have since helped him financially when he needed it and not me. At other times we've both been given money equally.

I think the wonder relationship with the siblings and parents counts too. The update you've given does put a different perspective on things.

No, never. Give to all children equally.

there’s a reason why King Lear is a tragedy.

these things don’t end well.

I would treat equally unless there is some way of making the difference up later. Inequality causes all sorts of grief.

No.

Im sorry op that’s shit. I don’t believe you should give one child some money if you can’t afford to give the same to another.

(unless the other child is wealthier and says they don’t mind. For example I wouldn’t have minded my mum giving money to my brother because I earnt more)

I would feel angry and upset in your situation. Your parents have not behaved fairly. Would they defend it that they were enduring their GC had an adequate house?

Without some exceptional circumstance, children should always be treated equally for that sort of thing.

Wow! At least when your parents need help in future you can direct them to your brother. What bastards.

So brother already got help? Did he need it at the time?

Absolutely not. Both should be treated equally.