House deposit

No, I would never give anything to one child that I couldn’t afford to give to the other later on. And the same for the younger child (/the one purchasing a house later)- I wouldn’t give them money for the deposit if I hadn’t give it to their sibling.

If they don't currently have the money available, what can they do? Have investments performed poorly or they've had unexpectedly large expenses?

Also just to note that the mortgage company wouldn't accept it if it was a loan. It would need to be an outright gift with no strings attached. Just mentioning this in case it makes you feel better about your parents' inability to help.

Only if the parent talked it over with child 1, explained the reasoning like "I really want to help child 2, but I don't have enough to do the same for both of you" and they agreed.

Otherwise, no, equal.

yes

I would not give 20k but I'd give the one without a house £10k and loan her £10k. When she had paid it back I would give it to her sister

No.
And given your update, it seems unfair.
However, I’m assuming your upbringing was otherwise equal (you didn’t go to private school / uni whilst your brother didn’t, etc.)

I think it’s always important to value the relationships above money. Personally, I would just make a mental note of this moment, because what goes around comes around. And of course, in this future hypothetical scenario where it’s coming around, I’m sure you’d be told you’re petty, but I prefer - consistent.

Well that is shit of your parents.

Depends.

If this is your only £20k then no.

If there is plenty in the pot and you could help other sibling to same amount IF required then yes. Things dont have to be equal for sake of it. I think it should be needs based.

My parents gave my sister a considerable amount to purchase because thats what they needed. We didn’t receive the same.

I am fine with that as I know if I ever do NEED something. Then the same would be available to me. But at this point I dont.

I would want my gift to both of them to be equivalent, but it wouldn’t necessarily need to be cash for a house deposit. If one child is significantly better off, I’d talk to them about how I might gift them something that would be beneficial. It might be premium bonds for the dc. It might be a larger chunk of inheritance. It might be help with house renovations or childcare.

I think while one child might have more equity in property already, they also have less capacity for saving. An adult with no children could work extra and save more to build up savings. Childcare costs and availability would prevent the other from easily doing the same.

There are times that I would treat children differently but this is definitely not one of them.

I would give each 10k (or each 20k if I had it!)

You genuinely believe paying bus fares to school as being giving extra support?

I think this is probably the first time I’ve ever been totally speechless.

No

I should have been clearer. We have three secondary schools within walking distance, one is a grammar which gets the second best results in the county. They qualified for the most successful grammar in the county, top 10 in the country, we felt that as they had worked hard to come in the top 5% to qualify for it, we needed to support them in their ambitions. So yes, I count this as additional support that they had over their siblings.

We have 2 DDs with vastly different incomes. We have given both house deposits but exactly the same. However they were far bigger deposits and it’s important to treat them equally.

This

I was always treated differently to my sibling...I am the eldest....always left out...older now and it continued. Not even a birthday or Christmas acknowledgment....NO CONTACT NOW....it hurts and will cause upset if the other finds out. Give the same amount to the other. They may actually appreciate it

It would be an absolute last resort but if I did I would try and level it up in my will

In your specific example, its either a case of first come first served - your parents no longer have a buffer of money that they are comfortable with, or you feel family dynamics are at play...golden child etc.

Just No. £10k each, or balance it out in your will if you must. But its a shitty thing to do otherwise.

I think it’s not as simple as you think it might be. It depends on timing - did they give him money when they felt richer? Or had more? Is brother the sole earner for a family? Do they consider themselves to have given it to their grandkids?

my PIL paid for husbands sister’s extension, they paid a contribution (much less) towards ours. SIL does a lot for them and they are very close to her children. We were grateful for the contribution but it wasn’t expected (at least by me… think husband would have been disappointed, wouldn’t have said anything though).

Well that sucks. No I certainly wouldn’t treat children differently like that. I know my parents wouldn’t either; I must have heard my mother say 1,000 times “no I’m not helping with a house deposit, I can’t afford for all three of you so I’m not for any of you”. But then she did help with things like large appliances and that was all pretty equal as a recall.

I think the only justification for treating siblings unequally is if one has an illness or a disability or something that otherwise limits their ability to look after themselves and to earn.

Ok so I would only give one 20k if I had 20k in reserve for the other. Treat children fairly.. because I know how painful unfairness is from parents

ubless the need was absolutely dire - homelessness and so at risk of losing a job , trying to divorce and abusive partner

Do your parents have the money to give you?
I would like to think I would treat all my children equally but if one came to me and asked to borrow 20k towards a deposit, I wouldn't automatically give the others 20k too.
If I had loaned one child a huge amount I probably wouldn't have the same amount of cash available to loan/gift the others even if I wanted too (which I obviously would).

My mums motto has always been 'what you give to one, you have to give to the others.'

It would need to be something extreme for the distinction to be made, like a disability or a bereavement. I would be upset, hurt and confused if I were in your shoes.

If I was my MIL yes…

if I was a decent parent… No.

but my DH also refuses to address or query the huge delta in favouritism.

you need to ask them how they think it’s fair he gets 20k and you get nothing