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Original poster

BE - dog and newborn guilt

313 replies

Cat921 · 18/03/2025 19:29

Three weeks ago we had our reactive 14 year old Jack Russell put to sleep because of his strange behaviour around our newborn baby and I feel so guilty.

Our dog was our whole life. We loved him dearly! My husband had him before we met since he was a puppy so for 14 years and I had him for 9 years. He was very reactive and we changed our whole life since I have known my husband for him. He was very territorial of the home and we couldn’t invite people over so we would have to put him upstairs away from visitors. He had previously bitten two people who entered the house quite a few years previously.
He accepted my mum eventually after she give him treats but had to be introduced with a muzzle. On walks we kept him close to use as he did not like other dogs or people and we were unsure if he would bite out of anxiety. He was an anxious dog who hated baths, blowing out candles, and sneezes. He would need to be on a lead in the garden as he hated the dog next door and would bark at him incessantly through the fence and we also were worried about him getting out and potentially biting someone out of fear. He hated when parcels would be dropped off and we would have to fight to get to the door. He had three people in his life he was fine with and who he loved. He hated the car and we could not take him anywhere or to public places as he would get so anxious.

When we first returned home, for the first three days we were surprised as our dog was fine with our newborn and we introduced them from a distance and let him smell her blanket and baby grow. I bought extra treats and toys for him. I naively thought he would be fine but my husband had had prior reservations before we brought her home. We were hoping he would sense my pregnancy as he would always sit on my knee for cuddles. After a few days, he barked at my baby in her Moses basket and my husband grew unsure of his intentions. He started becoming stressed when she cried as if he realised that she was suddenly here and would hide under the table and started weeing in the house. We never sanctioned him for this. He then started taking an interest in the Moses basket in the living room and was obsessed with jumping up at it even when she wasn’t crying. He wasn’t necessarily bothered about her when I was holding her on the sofa. We contacted a dogs trust behaviourist for advice. We couldn’t have a behaviourist come to the house as he does not accept visitors. He then continued to bark when she cried and we recorded my babies cried and used a doll (suggested by dogs trust) to positively reinforce him leaving it alone with treats but this did not work. He then started jumping up at me on the sofa when holding my baby with his tail down and we recorded this and sent to dogs trust who said it was potentially concerning behaviour. Our dog slept in our bed with us his whole life and our baby had her next to me crib in there and I felt uneasy about him accessing it if I was asleep at night as it was on his level. He never bothered it the previous nights but I ended up sleeping downstairs with her the few nights after that which was hard with a newborn. We had to put his muzzle on to calm him in the house as he would not leave the Moses basket alone.

We were able to manage all of this behaviour previous to my daughter being born as he was the most loving dog with us and never bit us or showed any aggression to me and my husband. We loved him so much but this was hard to manage with a newborn. I think I know ultimately it was the right decision but feel bad as he looked to me to protect him and would always come to me when scared! The guilt is awful! It was such a stressful situation and hormones were everywhere and feel we should have gave him longer than a week to adjust but me and my partner just were unsure of his behaviour and couldn’t read him and weren’t sure if we could take that chance with our newborn. We were worried this anxiety would manifest itself into aggression. We could not rehome him as he would not do well in that situation and could be a potential risk to strangers. We also read that dogs don’t see babies as human and as potentially an animal and prey which scared us. We are heartbroken that we had to make this decision. Anyone had a similar situation and how do I deal with this guilt?

OP posts:
Skinthin · 21/03/2025 17:11

Pickingmyselfup · 21/03/2025 14:57

If a dog is a danger to anybody, who will attack someone or an animal unprovoked then it needs to be PTS. All it takes is leaving the door open and it's out attacking people then gets PTS anyway but then you have a whole can of worms to contend with.

I can't imagine those who oppose to BE would be happy if they were walking down the street minding their own business would be happy if a dog came out of nowhere and bit them. I would be furious, even a small dog can do damage. I have a job which requires me to be on my feet carrying trays and stuff, if I needed stitches I couldn't work and would lose money. I would absolutely be going after the owner to claim it back and I wouldn't be very nice about it. If it were my kids who got hurt there would be hell to pay.

That's obviously worse case scenario but it is has happened and is something to think about when you have a highly aggressive dog.

I can't imagine those who oppose to BE would be happy if they were walking down the street minding their own business would be happy if a dog came out of nowhere and bit them

This actually happened to my partner. Obviously we were not happy and spoke to the owners (neighbours) , but did we want the dog to be killed? Absolutely not.

Springisintheairohyeah · 21/03/2025 15:11

I don't think you did the wrong thing at all, you really do have to prioritise the safety of your child and you sound like very caring people. However for anyone else reading this thread, the training advice the Dog's Trust provide, for anything more than very basic training, is generally pretty useless. In my (significant) experience of working with rescue dogs or seeing other trainers work with rescue dogs, the Dog's Trust are woefully ill equipped to deal with serious behaviour issues. This is reflected by the significant number of dogs they rehome with multiple restrictions i.e. can't be around dogs/kids/off lead/muzzled/walked in secure areas/must live what equates to a secure unit where no one ever visits or walks past the front door etc.) I wouldn't go near them with a barge pole if I was looking for training advice.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/03/2025 15:00

Honeyroar · 18/03/2025 19:45

I’m a huge dog fan and think a lot of people give up on dogs for silly reasons. I don’t think that about you. You tried every sensible thing possible. You took advice. He was elderly with issues and he was getting more and more stressed. You didn’t send him off to another home where he’d have been upset and stressed, you let him go quietly and peacefully, knowing he was loved and after a long lifetime of good care and happiness. He wouldn’t have known anything. He had a kind and dignified end. You’re bound to feel upset, you’ve lost a part of your family, but you really shouldn’t feel guilty.

This. Please don't feel guilty because you did the right thing.

Pickingmyselfup · 21/03/2025 14:57

If a dog is a danger to anybody, who will attack someone or an animal unprovoked then it needs to be PTS. All it takes is leaving the door open and it's out attacking people then gets PTS anyway but then you have a whole can of worms to contend with.

I can't imagine those who oppose to BE would be happy if they were walking down the street minding their own business would be happy if a dog came out of nowhere and bit them. I would be furious, even a small dog can do damage. I have a job which requires me to be on my feet carrying trays and stuff, if I needed stitches I couldn't work and would lose money. I would absolutely be going after the owner to claim it back and I wouldn't be very nice about it. If it were my kids who got hurt there would be hell to pay.

That's obviously worse case scenario but it is has happened and is something to think about when you have a highly aggressive dog.

Joystir59 · 21/03/2025 14:18

You can do one too. I was living exactly as the OP described- no visitors, couldn't answer the door,couldn't have anyone in the do work, life more and more restricted. Dog very scared stressed and unhappy, behaviourists said nothing more could be done. He had bitten numerous people, requiring hospital attention on several occasions. I was heartbroken at the decision I had to make.

Skinthin · 21/03/2025 12:00

Cat921 · 21/03/2025 11:25

I genuinely did not think I would ever have to make this decision. Like I said when we initially came home he was fine for about 2/3 days then his behaviour changed. He was such a lovely dog to me and my husband not a ‘horrible’ dog as others have said. We loved him with all our heart! I never thought in a million years I would be in this situation or have to do this and I too when heard of situations like this did not agree but it isn’t until you are in the situation where you feel you can’t protect your newborn or are unsure then it puts things in perspective. I love my baby and would not change having her but I do wish things were different and he was here too. I do think mentally something was not quite right and we did try numerous things over the years and got advice from professionals. It wasn’t easy living the way we did and we would have loved it if he was a dog who could travel in the car, take on holiday with us and join in with celebrations when having people over. He was just very anxious about most things apart from our life in the house but that changed but I am not sorry about the loving home we gave him for 14 years. Thank you so much for most people’s kind words. I hope no one finds themselves in a situation like this.

I’m so sorry OP. Be kind to yourself xx

LandSharksAnonymous · 21/03/2025 11:45

Joystir59 · 21/03/2025 05:04

You absolutely did the right thing. No question. Your dog should have been put to sleep when it first started biting people. Look how ridiculously restrictive your lives had become because of the need to protect everyone from the possibility of being bitten by him! I understand your guilt. I felt the same when I had my own reactive Jack Russell put to sleep when he was ten years old. I recognise all you say in your post as that was my life too. That was 18 months ago and I now have a perfectly friendly normal delightful cocker spaniel. How different life is with her! This is how life with a dog should be- anyone can come to my door, anyone can visit. I can go anywhere with her and she is safe around dogs and people, including children. In time I hope your guilt will lessen, and you will realise that you gave your dog 14 good loving years.

I 100% agree with the PP who you swore at when they called you out on your disgraceful behaviour.

You got rid of your dog and replaced it because life was difficult. You should be ashamed, not boastful, and certainly not swearing at people who call out your utterly disgraceful and disgusting behaviour.

Original poster
Cat921 · 21/03/2025 11:25

I genuinely did not think I would ever have to make this decision. Like I said when we initially came home he was fine for about 2/3 days then his behaviour changed. He was such a lovely dog to me and my husband not a ‘horrible’ dog as others have said. We loved him with all our heart! I never thought in a million years I would be in this situation or have to do this and I too when heard of situations like this did not agree but it isn’t until you are in the situation where you feel you can’t protect your newborn or are unsure then it puts things in perspective. I love my baby and would not change having her but I do wish things were different and he was here too. I do think mentally something was not quite right and we did try numerous things over the years and got advice from professionals. It wasn’t easy living the way we did and we would have loved it if he was a dog who could travel in the car, take on holiday with us and join in with celebrations when having people over. He was just very anxious about most things apart from our life in the house but that changed but I am not sorry about the loving home we gave him for 14 years. Thank you so much for most people’s kind words. I hope no one finds themselves in a situation like this.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 21/03/2025 07:48

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Skinthin · 21/03/2025 06:49

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Skinthin · 21/03/2025 06:47

LeopardPants · 21/03/2025 04:51

This is mental. If you’re choosing your dog over potentially having a baby then you can’t want a baby that much! And at 38 you don’t have too much time to change your mind. It sounds like they did a lot to facilitate this dog’s life and the baby 100% takes priority.

Show quote history

It’s not mental though- it’s just a different perspective. The vast majority of people believe that animals’ lives are disposable/ of little value. The wants/ desires/ needs of humans are more important than the lives of animals. there’s no objective basis for holding this perspective- it’s just the way that most people think/ feel (for fairly obvious reasons).
A few people don’t see things that way- they don’t see animal lives as so disposable. That is perfectly valid as the fact is that the world around us is much larger and bigger than human lives.

Dwappy · 21/03/2025 06:41

SquashedSquid · 21/03/2025 04:52

No one who loves their dog would murder it because something better came along.

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She didn’t “murder” it. If you want to get into the facts of it like that, then the vet did. The vet was the one who killed it. Not the OP.

Quite frankly dogs get PTS for human aggression all the time. This dog got luckier than most for not being PTS earlier.

Also, all those claiming this dog was a healthy dog, do you believe that in humans mental illness is an actual illness? Why not in dogs? This wasn’t a healthy dog mentally. It was suffering mentally. So is it ok to put down a dog that’s suffering physically but not mentally? You’d allow humans sick leave for mental health as well as physical health. We obviously don’t put humans down for any type of health issues. But these days we do acknowledge that mental health is just as important as physical heath and treat it accordingly.

Joystir59 · 21/03/2025 05:04

You absolutely did the right thing. No question. Your dog should have been put to sleep when it first started biting people. Look how ridiculously restrictive your lives had become because of the need to protect everyone from the possibility of being bitten by him! I understand your guilt. I felt the same when I had my own reactive Jack Russell put to sleep when he was ten years old. I recognise all you say in your post as that was my life too. That was 18 months ago and I now have a perfectly friendly normal delightful cocker spaniel. How different life is with her! This is how life with a dog should be- anyone can come to my door, anyone can visit. I can go anywhere with her and she is safe around dogs and people, including children. In time I hope your guilt will lessen, and you will realise that you gave your dog 14 good loving years.

whippy1981 · 21/03/2025 04:55

Justanothermum9421 · 21/03/2025 04:47

Not disagreeing, no. It's perfectly fine for people to have their own opinions and of course people will not all agree on a topic as emotive as this!

I mean people trying to make OP feel guilty for what's already happened - nothing good will come from that. There is a difference between stating an opinion, and being unkind.

Show quote history

I have seen many who agree who are unkind so yes that is not ok to bait those who disagree with name calling.

SquashedSquid · 21/03/2025 04:52

Justanothermum9421 · 21/03/2025 04:33

Oh, OP.

It's clear you loves your dog a lot, and it's clear you love your baby a lot.

I am 8 weeks postpartum and cannot imagine what fresh hell you went through dealing with this with the PP hormones raging on top of normal emotions. I really feel for you.

You did the right thing, ignore those trying to bait you. Sending all the best wishes ❤️

Edited

No one who loves their dog would murder it because something better came along.

LeopardPants · 21/03/2025 04:51

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 06:37

I will be honest and say I found your post extremely upsetting to read and whilst it’s done now, I feel you should feel guilty and I do hope you don’t own another dog again.

You just thought the dog would adapt to having the baby?? You had nine months and you made no plan to get him used to sleeping outside or to thinking of what happens if he doesn’t get used to it? Your husband had reservations but still neither of you proactively did anything? You say he finally became used to your mother - was she unable to take him in or at the very least to have him for a week when you came back and you were feeling this way?

you put him to sleep after just a week of bringing your baby home? Of course, you should consider your baby’s safety but you did this in such a hugely irresponsible way and prematurely ended the life of a dog that considered itself also part of your family.

I agree with the poster - I know she is being flamed here - who said you shouldn’t have had the baby. I have a reactive dog. He in particular does not like children. I’m 38 and I have made the decision not to have children if I can’t accommodate him and find him somewhere where he loves as much.

I think your excuses sound really lazy. There are dog shelters - good independent ones - that deal with reactive dogs with a history of biting who will
come and give advice.

I think it’s a real shame. When you take on a dog it should be for life come what may and you should be aware you may through no fault get a reactive dog and if you aren’t prepared to do cope with that then you shouldn’t get one. I think it is odd to have been trying for a baby and to have done very little to have prepared for what might happen if he wasn’t able to get used to it.

This is mental. If you’re choosing your dog over potentially having a baby then you can’t want a baby that much! And at 38 you don’t have too much time to change your mind. It sounds like they did a lot to facilitate this dog’s life and the baby 100% takes priority.

Justanothermum9421 · 21/03/2025 04:47

whippy1981 · 21/03/2025 04:40

By baiting do you mean those who are answering different to you and disagreeing with her choice?

Show quote history

Not disagreeing, no. It's perfectly fine for people to have their own opinions and of course people will not all agree on a topic as emotive as this!

I mean people trying to make OP feel guilty for what's already happened - nothing good will come from that. There is a difference between stating an opinion, and being unkind.

mrg123 · 21/03/2025 04:44

You gave your dog so much more than most people would. I don't think you should feel guilty at all, you sho. uld feel proud of how much you and your husband gave your dog. Imagine the guilt you'd feel if something awful had happened, for your dog as well as your daughter.

whippy1981 · 21/03/2025 04:40

Justanothermum9421 · 21/03/2025 04:33

Oh, OP.

It's clear you loves your dog a lot, and it's clear you love your baby a lot.

I am 8 weeks postpartum and cannot imagine what fresh hell you went through dealing with this with the PP hormones raging on top of normal emotions. I really feel for you.

You did the right thing, ignore those trying to bait you. Sending all the best wishes ❤️

Edited

By baiting do you mean those who are answering different to you and disagreeing with her choice?

Justanothermum9421 · 21/03/2025 04:33

Oh, OP.

It's clear you loves your dog a lot, and it's clear you love your baby a lot.

I am 8 weeks postpartum and cannot imagine what fresh hell you went through dealing with this with the PP hormones raging on top of normal emotions. I really feel for you.

You did the right thing, ignore those trying to bait you. Sending all the best wishes ❤️

whippy1981 · 21/03/2025 04:22

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2025 01:10

Are you trying to be provocative ??
The previous poster suggested that you could have taken in the dog to solve the situation to your liking.
It was hypothetical of course.
But only a very strange person could twist that around to being a suggestion to take in the baby.
Maybe you think you are being clever or funny.
But it doesn't land like that.

They said I could take the responsibility off them. That could be either the dog or the baby and since I cannot take a dog without killing my own dogs (which maybe that poster wanted as they think putting dogs down is acceptable) then it had to be the baby. It was hypothetical so it could be either. Dogs were not specified, were they?

Many people have others bring up their children for a whole host of reasons. It isn't strange to know that fostering, private fostering, adoption and surrogacy happen. It is common so not strange at all.

Nope not trying to be clever or funny. Not sure what you mean by doesn't land like that.

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2025 01:10

Are you trying to be provocative ??
The previous poster suggested that you could have taken in the dog to solve the situation to your liking.
It was hypothetical of course.
But only a very strange person could twist that around to being a suggestion to take in the baby.
Maybe you think you are being clever or funny.
But it doesn't land like that.

whippy1981 · 21/03/2025 00:21

LittleCharlotte · 21/03/2025 00:17

You'd have taken in her baby?

There are some very, very odd posts on this thread. Really odd.

Show quote history

Nope I said right from the beginning when that poster first suggested it that I wouldn't. They then said it again.

My response this time was I could've done but again that is a modal verb 'could' not that I was willing to or wanted to only that I could have had I wanted to. But no I wouldn't want a baby in my house.

So no that doesn't say I would take in her baby. I agree it was an odd request for me to do that. I do not agree with babies going to live with strangers which is why I said no when it was first suggested.

LittleCharlotte · 21/03/2025 00:17

whippy1981 · 20/03/2025 23:29

So move the newborn out or do not have one in the first place or kill the dog. She decided the latter.

I know I could've taken in the newborn until the dog died.

She asked a question. I am not berating her I am answering her question. I very clearly said she had a choice and had every right to make that choice but that I do not agree with her. When someone asks a question then some will agree and some will disagree. Both are ok responses. It is ok to agree and it is ok to disagree. That is the nature of the world. Both are acceptable responses to a question.

It isn't about choosing to have a baby when she had a dog. It is about choosing to have a baby when she had an aggressive dog knowing it would have to die as a result.

Why do you think everyone should think the same way?

Edited
Show quote history

You'd have taken in her baby?

There are some very, very odd posts on this thread. Really odd.

Ruffpuff · 20/03/2025 23:56

I think you did all you could given the situation. The dog had a good life and at 14 he probably died more peacefully than he would have from the health complications of old age.

You would regret it far more had you left it and the dog mauled the baby to death.