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Original poster

BE - dog and newborn guilt

313 replies

Cat921 · 18/03/2025 19:29

Three weeks ago we had our reactive 14 year old Jack Russell put to sleep because of his strange behaviour around our newborn baby and I feel so guilty.

Our dog was our whole life. We loved him dearly! My husband had him before we met since he was a puppy so for 14 years and I had him for 9 years. He was very reactive and we changed our whole life since I have known my husband for him. He was very territorial of the home and we couldn’t invite people over so we would have to put him upstairs away from visitors. He had previously bitten two people who entered the house quite a few years previously.
He accepted my mum eventually after she give him treats but had to be introduced with a muzzle. On walks we kept him close to use as he did not like other dogs or people and we were unsure if he would bite out of anxiety. He was an anxious dog who hated baths, blowing out candles, and sneezes. He would need to be on a lead in the garden as he hated the dog next door and would bark at him incessantly through the fence and we also were worried about him getting out and potentially biting someone out of fear. He hated when parcels would be dropped off and we would have to fight to get to the door. He had three people in his life he was fine with and who he loved. He hated the car and we could not take him anywhere or to public places as he would get so anxious.

When we first returned home, for the first three days we were surprised as our dog was fine with our newborn and we introduced them from a distance and let him smell her blanket and baby grow. I bought extra treats and toys for him. I naively thought he would be fine but my husband had had prior reservations before we brought her home. We were hoping he would sense my pregnancy as he would always sit on my knee for cuddles. After a few days, he barked at my baby in her Moses basket and my husband grew unsure of his intentions. He started becoming stressed when she cried as if he realised that she was suddenly here and would hide under the table and started weeing in the house. We never sanctioned him for this. He then started taking an interest in the Moses basket in the living room and was obsessed with jumping up at it even when she wasn’t crying. He wasn’t necessarily bothered about her when I was holding her on the sofa. We contacted a dogs trust behaviourist for advice. We couldn’t have a behaviourist come to the house as he does not accept visitors. He then continued to bark when she cried and we recorded my babies cried and used a doll (suggested by dogs trust) to positively reinforce him leaving it alone with treats but this did not work. He then started jumping up at me on the sofa when holding my baby with his tail down and we recorded this and sent to dogs trust who said it was potentially concerning behaviour. Our dog slept in our bed with us his whole life and our baby had her next to me crib in there and I felt uneasy about him accessing it if I was asleep at night as it was on his level. He never bothered it the previous nights but I ended up sleeping downstairs with her the few nights after that which was hard with a newborn. We had to put his muzzle on to calm him in the house as he would not leave the Moses basket alone.

We were able to manage all of this behaviour previous to my daughter being born as he was the most loving dog with us and never bit us or showed any aggression to me and my husband. We loved him so much but this was hard to manage with a newborn. I think I know ultimately it was the right decision but feel bad as he looked to me to protect him and would always come to me when scared! The guilt is awful! It was such a stressful situation and hormones were everywhere and feel we should have gave him longer than a week to adjust but me and my partner just were unsure of his behaviour and couldn’t read him and weren’t sure if we could take that chance with our newborn. We were worried this anxiety would manifest itself into aggression. We could not rehome him as he would not do well in that situation and could be a potential risk to strangers. We also read that dogs don’t see babies as human and as potentially an animal and prey which scared us. We are heartbroken that we had to make this decision. Anyone had a similar situation and how do I deal with this guilt?

OP posts:
SawItOnTikTok · 20/03/2025 05:19

the dog sounds like he had a pretty miserable time of it all round - him being that anxious all the time won’t have been a good life for him. Having to go out in the garden on a lead instead of working on his anxious responses and thinking that training won’t work because the baby couldn’t give him a treat just goes to show that you don’t understand effective dog training.

I get that the safety of the baby is most important but don’t get another dog in the future

Heyhowhatsup · 20/03/2025 05:07

Poppyseeds79 · 19/03/2025 22:21

Honestly a few posters on here sound absolutely batshit! Seriously if you think it would be a better option for...
A) Ddog to have lived the remainder of his life outside in a kennel.
B) Be rehomed at 14 (zero chance with his issues), and utterly miserable.
C) Wear a muzzle pretty much 24/7.
D) OP to have gambled her fertility against the dog living how ever many more years.

Then you're totally chatting out your arse 🤣

Projecting a bit 🤣🤣🤣🤣

especially as I don’t think anyone has advocated options a/b/c

but good to see you think pets are disposable when you decide to change your life up and have a child knowing you have a reactive dog that loves you and is fine with you but that you’ve not bothered to train and help.

Heyhowhatsup · 20/03/2025 05:01

Poppyseeds79 · 19/03/2025 22:07

How would they do that exactly? Borrow a friends baby to see if it attacked it? 🙄

Show quote history

How idiotic. And completely useless comment.

SquashedSquid · 20/03/2025 02:25

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CousinBob · 20/03/2025 00:02

Edited as double posted

CousinBob · 20/03/2025 00:02

You did the right thing OP. Don’t feel guilty. Your dog was loved and looked after for 14 years.

Poppyseeds79 · 19/03/2025 22:21

Honestly a few posters on here sound absolutely batshit! Seriously if you think it would be a better option for...
A) Ddog to have lived the remainder of his life outside in a kennel.
B) Be rehomed at 14 (zero chance with his issues), and utterly miserable.
C) Wear a muzzle pretty much 24/7.
D) OP to have gambled her fertility against the dog living how ever many more years.

Then you're totally chatting out your arse 🤣

LittleCharlotte · 19/03/2025 22:14

I'm so sorry for your loss.. He sounds like a very anxy little dog and certainly that he wasn't enjoying life towards the end. I do wonder if he had started to develop some sort of dementia. You absolutely did all that you could.

"Better a day too early than an hour too late".

Thank you for loving him. Enjoy your baby and share happy memories of your little dog.

StumbleInTheDebris · 19/03/2025 22:14

Always amazed by the number of posters on MN who seem to think that every woman has control over whether and when they have kids.

Poppyseeds79 · 19/03/2025 22:07

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 19:35

I don’t think anyone’s saying to hold on to the bitter end though are they?

I think the point being made was that not much was done to think ahead on this issue and prepare the dog other than hoping for the best which is pretty poor. The OP said the dog overcame its issues with her mother which does beg the question why wasn’t more invested in it when they had 9 months and had admittedly been trying for a baby.

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How would they do that exactly? Borrow a friends baby to see if it attacked it? 🙄

HotDoggidyDig · 19/03/2025 22:00

@Cat921 I’m really sorry you were in this situation. I agree with many PPs that you did the right thing. You have DDog lots of love for many years, involving huge personal sacrifice. Things are so raw now but hopefully in time should ease.

Interested to know what you thought of the support/lack of support from Dogs Trust? Sounds like they weren’t able to offer much helpful advice in the past to help DDog and didn’t offer to rehome them now.

@Glitchymn1 sounds like you’ve also had or heard of bad experiences with Dogs Trust?

TBH I feel really let down by them. They matched us with a highly reactive dog despite us being first-time owners who explained our limited experience and have since been pretty rubbish at providing further support. We have tried working with other professionals (experienced dog walker, behaviourist) but having a reactive dog is so hard and is so limiting.

I know some people are amazing at turning certain dogs around and that’s fantastic but I don’t think all people are capable of this or that all dogs can be trained out of all their reactive traits, especially if it’s as a result of severe neglect. So I don’t agree with some PPs that it’s always right for the owner to keep a dig, whatever the cost to them or the dog.

Nextdoortomeis · 19/03/2025 20:11

You did the right thing.
Our dog attacked DS when he started to crawl. 9months old.
Fortunately I was nearby and the dog just broke the skin on his head.

4timesthefun · 19/03/2025 20:11

Huge hugs, OP. What a tough situation. If you can, let go of the guilt and allow yourself to grieve for him. Try and remember that you DID protect him. He had a loving home for over a decade, and when a point of change became too much, you helped him find a peaceful end. It sounds highly unlikely that he was going to adapt to the change, and even if a crystal ball told you that he would adjust in 18-months, it sounds like a lot of unnecessary stress for a 14 year old dog, who could (and in my opinion, should) be allowed to pass peacefully.

Original poster
Cat921 · 19/03/2025 20:07

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 19:35

I don’t think anyone’s saying to hold on to the bitter end though are they?

I think the point being made was that not much was done to think ahead on this issue and prepare the dog other than hoping for the best which is pretty poor. The OP said the dog overcame its issues with her mother which does beg the question why wasn’t more invested in it when they had 9 months and had admittedly been trying for a baby.

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He did eventually after weeks of positive reinforcement get used to my mum but that was 9 years ago and became a lot more set in his ways. My mum used to give him a treat but obviously the baby couldn’t do that. My mum also left the house whereas the baby couldn’t. He was particularly triggered by her cries but was not triggered when we played random baby cries prior to her arriving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cat921 · 19/03/2025 20:04

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 19:35

I don’t think anyone’s saying to hold on to the bitter end though are they?

I think the point being made was that not much was done to think ahead on this issue and prepare the dog other than hoping for the best which is pretty poor. The OP said the dog overcame its issues with her mother which does beg the question why wasn’t more invested in it when they had 9 months and had admittedly been trying for a baby.

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We did! We used baby crying sounds and used a fake doll and had the Moses basket in the living room before the baby was here. He wasn’t bothered but the recorded baby crying sounds but just out babies cries in the house when she was obviously here! He also didn’t link where the crying was coming from and thought it was the Moses basket even when she wasn’t in there which was concerning. We were worried if he linked the two then there would be potential risk.

OP posts:
Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 19:36

Bignanna · 19/03/2025 14:56

It was pint worth the risk. Did you read the full post? The baby must come first . I don’t know of anyone who would put a dog first.

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I did read the full post but I’m not sure you did or read mine for that matter.

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 19:35

MissDoubleU · 19/03/2025 17:55

This is it. As much as everyone can point fingers and say they’d hold on til the bitter end, this dog already had incidents of biting people and they fought very hard to keep the dog around, happy and comfortable, for many years despite knowing the high risk it could happen again.

I bet if this was a particularly large staffy someone deemed an XL Bully more would be saying it should have been put down the first time it snapped.

The dog wasn’t safe. It was just about safe with its primary caregivers, so long as they took ample precautions and avoided all triggers. It’s no way to live.

To the person saying they should have put it in a shelter, a dog this old and this reactive? No chance of it ever getting out. So you’re suggesting the dog keep living, but in a cage for its final years, increasingly depressed at its own abandonment. Very humane of you.

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I don’t think anyone’s saying to hold on to the bitter end though are they?

I think the point being made was that not much was done to think ahead on this issue and prepare the dog other than hoping for the best which is pretty poor. The OP said the dog overcame its issues with her mother which does beg the question why wasn’t more invested in it when they had 9 months and had admittedly been trying for a baby.

MissDoubleU · 19/03/2025 17:55

Survivingnotthriving24 · 19/03/2025 15:37

People living their lives around dogs to this extent is exactly why there's so many poorly behaved dogs/dogs with issues around. In the past people would have immediately put them down and removed them from the gene pool. OP is a more responsibile owner than you in my opinion.

You did the right thing OP, he should have probably been PTS immediately after the first bite incident.

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This is it. As much as everyone can point fingers and say they’d hold on til the bitter end, this dog already had incidents of biting people and they fought very hard to keep the dog around, happy and comfortable, for many years despite knowing the high risk it could happen again.

I bet if this was a particularly large staffy someone deemed an XL Bully more would be saying it should have been put down the first time it snapped.

The dog wasn’t safe. It was just about safe with its primary caregivers, so long as they took ample precautions and avoided all triggers. It’s no way to live.

To the person saying they should have put it in a shelter, a dog this old and this reactive? No chance of it ever getting out. So you’re suggesting the dog keep living, but in a cage for its final years, increasingly depressed at its own abandonment. Very humane of you.

Ilovelurchers · 19/03/2025 16:13

I am absolutely staggered that anybody thinks it is appropriate to come on and criticise OP.

What if somebody reading this thread in a similar situation takes your words to heart, and decides they can't PTS out of fear of judgement like that - and in consequence their baby is hurt or worse?

I love dogs - but human beings are infinitely more important. This dog had bitten twice - it would have been suitable for rehoming, and some dogs have, or develop in old age, issues so extreme they cannot be dealt with by even the most experienced behaviourist - and if the dog is in mental pain, sometimes just as if it were in physical pain, it is only right to PTS.

I do think there needs to be a lot more awareness of the dangers of dogs around newborns/babies. My dog at the time I had DD was extremely gentle, but nonetheless having her demanded a level of vigilance that was truly exhausting. If I had known in advance what it would be like to have the dog and the baby I would not have got a dog in the first place - and I massively love dogs.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

sellotapechicken · 19/03/2025 15:59

GelatinousDynamo · 18/03/2025 21:17

This really is on you and you are right to be feeling guilty, but not because you've decided to protect your child by removing him from the house. It's because you've had so many years to tackle his issues, but instead you took the easy way out and accommodated him and his anxiety. You never gave him a chance to overcome his problems, you didn't keep trying, you just gave up on him at some point, and then you had him put to sleep when he became too unmanageable.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with everyone that the baby's safety is paramount and you had no other choice. But you left yourself no other choice, too, and that's on you.

I agree with this. You had 9 months to sort out the bedroom issue and put him to sleep after 1
week? You should feel guilty and you shouldn’t have another dog

Survivingnotthriving24 · 19/03/2025 15:37

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 06:37

I will be honest and say I found your post extremely upsetting to read and whilst it’s done now, I feel you should feel guilty and I do hope you don’t own another dog again.

You just thought the dog would adapt to having the baby?? You had nine months and you made no plan to get him used to sleeping outside or to thinking of what happens if he doesn’t get used to it? Your husband had reservations but still neither of you proactively did anything? You say he finally became used to your mother - was she unable to take him in or at the very least to have him for a week when you came back and you were feeling this way?

you put him to sleep after just a week of bringing your baby home? Of course, you should consider your baby’s safety but you did this in such a hugely irresponsible way and prematurely ended the life of a dog that considered itself also part of your family.

I agree with the poster - I know she is being flamed here - who said you shouldn’t have had the baby. I have a reactive dog. He in particular does not like children. I’m 38 and I have made the decision not to have children if I can’t accommodate him and find him somewhere where he loves as much.

I think your excuses sound really lazy. There are dog shelters - good independent ones - that deal with reactive dogs with a history of biting who will
come and give advice.

I think it’s a real shame. When you take on a dog it should be for life come what may and you should be aware you may through no fault get a reactive dog and if you aren’t prepared to do cope with that then you shouldn’t get one. I think it is odd to have been trying for a baby and to have done very little to have prepared for what might happen if he wasn’t able to get used to it.

People living their lives around dogs to this extent is exactly why there's so many poorly behaved dogs/dogs with issues around. In the past people would have immediately put them down and removed them from the gene pool. OP is a more responsibile owner than you in my opinion.

You did the right thing OP, he should have probably been PTS immediately after the first bite incident.

SonoPazziQuestiRomani · 19/03/2025 15:05

Bignanna · 19/03/2025 14:56

It was pint worth the risk. Did you read the full post? The baby must come first . I don’t know of anyone who would put a dog first.

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IRL no one would, but on Mumsnet people must sacrifice all at the altar of Dog Ownership 🙄

Bignanna · 19/03/2025 14:56

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 07:37

I’m sorry you feel that way but getting a dog is not a light commitment. As I said, the OP was right to protect her baby but do I think they had a cavalier attitude to how the dog would adapt and an irresponsible way of hoping for the best - well then, yes.

they did say the dog eventually became used to the mother who gave it treats which indicates that consistency and time and dedication meant it was able to overcome certain people.

there are plenty of people saying to posters it’s clear they don’t have reactive dogs when it’s also clear that some do. I am one of them and yes I have had to make different life choices.

people should be aware that the dog they want may not be the dog they end up with and be prepared to accommodate for that - if not then frankly they shouldn’t have one. And if more people didn’t have dogs that would also be for the best if they aren’t able to care for it for the whole of its life.

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It was pint worth the risk. Did you read the full post? The baby must come first . I don’t know of anyone who would put a dog first.

MissDoubleU · 19/03/2025 09:45

Heyhowhatsup · 19/03/2025 09:43

No point trying to row back from your original post with ‘you made some good points’ now.

and no, it doesn’t equate dogs to children. It’s about being a responsible human being and pet owner. It’s precisely because people don’t think ahead and plan for things that can happen, let alone when it’s staring them in the face, that these issues arise and awful situations occur.

youre obviously entitled to your views but I’m afraid I don’t agree that wanting a child means you can just abscond from the responsibilities and ties you already have when those are also to another living being. You may not like it or agree with it which is perfectly fine but perhaps don’t get a pet or take responsibility for one in that case.

If you read the OP’s posts, it’s clear from what she has posted that the dog obviously was able to overcome certain triggers with consistency which seems to have not been applied when they knew a baby was on the way.

also ludicrous to extrapolate from what I said to a completely different situation. A dog that becomes reactive after a child is born is not the same as what’s happened here. That is completely different. The point is that here they were very aware of the many issues surrounding the dog before the baby was born and don’t appear to have done much to plan for it and that really is the issue.

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A dog behaviourist said they could not help. It seems OP and her DP had tried many things for many years and been essentially fobbed off and told there was no changing this dog. Sometimes, sadly, that is just the way it is.

MissDoubleU · 19/03/2025 09:43

14 years is long enough. You revolved your entire life around this dog and making sure he was comfortable and had as happy a life as he could. At the end of the day, he was a very high risk. Not just to the baby, to many. If you hadn’t been as careful as you did - and even though you had there was still a good risk - he could have bitten and been PTS at a much earlier date. You gave him a very decent length of life despite his clear issues.

Baby or not, it sounds like it was time to let him go. A dachshund just this week was reported to have killed a newborn baby that slept in a cot.

You gave your whole life the last decade to this dog. It’s time you had your own life. You didn’t make the dog reactive or cause the aggression risks. Grieve, but don’t feel guilty.