Struggling with DS2's GF

Thinking back on my twenties, and those of my friends, we didn’t go on holiday with parents or spend NYs with them. I don’t think your twenties are the time for this, before kids come along or term time only holidays are possible.

I definitely would not say anything to DS2 at the moment, and don’t discuss his relationship with your other son. You will cause a rift. Sit it out and stay present for your son if the relationship doesn’t work out.

OP what I'm getting is that you've fallen under the spell of DS1's GF & this is
diminishing your view of GF2. Stop comparing them (GF1 could be fake, she sounds too good to be true to me). Let things take their course. And stop with the forced huge family events. I'm an only child & when I met DH with his 3 siblings & massive Catholic family, I became even more of an introvert.

Sounds like ds2 girlfriend is very shy and also likely very insecure about ds1 girlfriend. The sports clothes and beer jabs are not great and hopefully she was pulled up and hopefully was trying poorly to interact more

socially with your other son and his girlfriend. You have to remember the other girlfriend seems to actually think she’s nice and she has no family skin in the game.

There is however a reason your son dates her and appears to see her as possibly the one.

I must admit I’m the dil that’s really not that into the whole family trip stuff or new years at theirs and I’ll find an excuse to avoid as much as possibly. It to me just comes across as far too forced family fun which is personally boring to me, in fact his siblings partner falls asleep there.

My dh also wouldn’t go without me not because I force him to stay home but who knows how that actually comes across or how he verbalises that to his mother if it ever comes up.

Yeah, I’d be concerned with her controlling side and rudeness too. I wonder what her family is like? Maybe they haven’t taught her social skills/have a very different lifestyle to your family… But she is an adult and should know how to behave.

She may well be quiet/introverted, but she’s happy to make rude comments? Nah, doesn’t fly for me. She sounds rude and uninterested.

I’d say to your son how disappointed you were that you don’t see him at Christmas, and remind him that he’s free to come to things by himself if his gf doesn’t want to.

Absolutely don't say anything. There's nothing you could say anyway without making it sound like DS1 has picked a winner, and DS2 got the bad egg. All it'd do is upset everyone.

Don’t play favourites. If this woman really is his one, the only person who is going to get hurt is you if you continue with your current attitude towards DS2 GF. Some people are just not as confident in social situations.

Your son obviously sees something in her

Yes, this was the theme of the latest Waterloo Road episode.

In my case, I wasn't rude, I was just shy and introverted, but I still went to family gatherings and very much enjoyed their company. The MIL didn't like me because I was too quiet and didn't tell her all of my private business and gossip. Anyway, we stayed together and got married but we are NC with his parents because of the way she blew her dislike up for me.

I have never understood why keeping one's own counsel is such a social problem for others. Just why?

I’m 35, been with my partner for 10 years and there’s no way I’m going on holiday with his family but also I would be fine with him going without me.

Being on her phone at dinner is really rude but loads of people do that these days

Is it that it would cause an argument with her, or is he using that as an excuse to avoid being the target of your ire because he doesn’t want to go?

It’s easy, and convenient, to make the outsider the villain.

Op she sounds like an introvert and is struggling around all these people and... Amazing gorgeous girlfriend no. 1

I suggest you try and do something just you your dh and them without the crowds and see how that goes and without it being an interrogation maybe ask her about herself etc..
So it's more special?

She sounds very shy

If we assume there’s nothing more sinister going on (like she is controlling or whatever) i thinks it’s possible that she might not want to spend time with you because she feels like the black sheep compared to DS1’s GF. They are two different women and you are obviously bowled over by the other woman vs. appreciating them both for who they are. I’m willing to bet that it shows and doesn’t feel great to be the ‘lesser’ one.

Ultimately, it is your son's choice who is dates, not yours. If you intervene or express negative views of her to him it will only cause tension. You honestly just need to let them get on with it. You don't have to be in a relationship with her - you have to see her at a few family events, that's all.

As others have said, your family obviously do a lot of big family events, which works for you but won't be everyone's cup of tea. You need to accept that.

Having been on the other side of this (my mom hasn't liked any of my partners) I have decided that, as long as they aren't abusive to her, I will do my best to accept and like any partners my daughter has in the future. It's just not worth causing a rift or upsetting people.

And maybe try not to show your adoration of DS1's GF too much when DS2 is around.....

NB - Please do NOT talk with one son abut the other's GF!!!

An absolute no-no.

I have 3 sons-I-L.

They are completely different as regards so many things: introvert/extrovert; enjoy family events and holidays/don't enjoy them; interests etc. etc.

They are themselves and each has fine qualities. I accept them for who they are.

DS1's girlfriend is your kind of person; DS2's less so. As long as he is happy with her then that is OK.

Your DS2 is clearly in an unhealthy relationship.

However, it's very hard to advise whether to mention anything to him or not. I've been the DIL that the mother of DS2 hates! She said something and it set off a nuclear explosion on the whole family. In my case, I wasn't rude, I was just shy and introverted, but I still went to family gatherings and very much enjoyed their company. The MIL didn't like me because I was too quiet and didn't tell her all of my private business and gossip. Anyway, we stayed together and got married but we are NC with his parents because of the way she blew her dislike up for me.

So I'd say tread very carefully!! In our case, our relationship wasn't unhealthy, so I'd be tempted to get your DS1 to talk to his brother about healthy relationships etc. such as he should be able to go to a family event even if his GF can't/won't attend, without getting into trouble from her. But he needs to be very tactful when addressing it. It's ok to spend time apart in relationships and the other one should be supportive of independent family time etc.

I'd be very careful if YOU were to say anything because it could drive him away if he really truly believes she's "the one". Christ, I hope he wakes up though before marrying her, he probably is just going with the flow, given how well DS1's relationship is going.

The GF2 does sound very rude and unpleasant as a GF to your son.

They're different women with their own individual personalities and traits. It seems very unfair for you to try and compare them in the way you have.

You don't need to say anything as you aren't part of their relationship. Your son is making his choices, as he's entitled to do. Its unrealistic to expect nothing to ever change as people form lives and families of their own.

My DH’s family is bigger and more involved with each other than mine, and I haven’t always been on his family holidays, but the crucial difference is that I would never prevent DH from going (and taking the DDs if he wants to).

I’d be concerned about that aspect, that she seems to be stopping him attending when he might otherwise do so.

Not sure what to do except hope it doesn’t last!

Some GFs are like that. They get huffy about not spending time with BD, then he caves in to her sulks and doesn't go. I find this can the beginning of manipulation and control.

It's only been 1 year and he is only 25. I would not say anything negative about her to anyone, it would be hurtful to your son.

It will probably run it's course as they do not ultimately sound compatible.

Well whatever you think of her you need to keep it firmly to yourself because it’s really not your place to give an opinion on who your son dates. If he is happy with her then be happy for him and just do your best to try and get on with her. You’ll just push him even further away otherwise.

You’ve got to try and remember, whilst a big family holiday, get together etc etc is good for you and fun, it’s not the same for the person who doesn’t know everyone. It can be a chore and especially for someone who doesn’t like social events.

That. And I've just read about the Ceilidh. I would have absolutely dreaded that.

I'm beginning to have sympathy for GF2. The phone thing is rude, but she's clearly much more introverted and finds the things you love absolutely excruciating for her. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, it means that your fun is her nightmare.

I had the most wonderful PILs and we grew to love each other very much. And that was because, though I probably wasn't their ideal addition to the family in the early days, they were accepting of who I was and were consistently kind and warm to me. They're gone now, and I miss them enormously. Thank goodness they saw beyond my introversion.

My ex came from a family like yours and he used me as an excuse not to go to these things because he had always hated them (I didn't realise at the time). When we split they probably expected things to go back to what they were, he hasn't seen them in five years and I have.

DS1's gf thinks she's just shy, she's an outsider and understands. You also think the world of her so trust what she thinks.

I was about to say this, I'm not a big family person and I struggle to be around people for long periods of time so this would be massively suffocating.

At 25 I wanted to spend holidays with my friends and partner, not my partner's family. The more I did things to cope, like escape to my phone, the more offended they got, even though it was the one thing preventing me exploding from everything being too much.

I think you should respect the fact your son likes her and try to understand her personally rather than trying to shoehorn her into endless family plans.

Have you suggested anything that just the four of you could do together that she would actually enjoy? Or even a girls date just the two of you.

Also, cut the things you're inviting her to, down to 2-3 a year.

And it's really unhelpful to be comparing the two girlfriends. You also have the problem that if DS1 splits up with her, you will be forever comparing her unfavourably to the new ones and create a similar situation.