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Original poster

SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

237 replies

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 13:52

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 18/03/2025 14:35

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:12

But they don’t often turn up in rags, they turn up in uniform. We have to provide something for them to wear over the weekend and to go back

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So do that - they get changed into clothes for the weekend on a Friday
Change back to uniform on Sunday (or whenever they go home)
Clothes stay at your house

Take a breath OP - this isn't a hill worth dying on. They're just uniform, the kids will be fine and you don't need to constantly buy clothes

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:35

IButtleSir · 18/03/2025 14:32

I think the best option for the kids is for you and their dad to accept that he (NOT you!) is going to be buying all their clothes, wherever those clothes end up being worn. He can buy them secondhand to keep costs down, and lots of them so that there are always some at yours.

When one parent is shit at something, the other parent has to step up, regardless of whether or not it's 'fair'.

Edited

Buying six full new outfits a month isn’t cheap

OP posts:
Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:34

We lay out clothes for the youngest but the oldest two like to pick their own outfits which is why I think it’ll get worse as they get older, not better

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IButtleSir · 18/03/2025 14:34

Incidentally, your husband should also be doing everything in his power to see them more than EOW and school holidays.

isthesolution · 18/03/2025 14:33

not sure on your timings but we used to send back in cheap pyjamas.

alternatively I’d do as others have suggested and try to get a bundle from eBay/vinted cheaply of clothes to send them home in. Don’t send them back in uniform - it’s not their fault x

IButtleSir · 18/03/2025 14:32

I think the best option for the kids is for you and their dad to accept that he (NOT you!) is going to be buying all their clothes, wherever those clothes end up being worn. He can buy them secondhand to keep costs down, and lots of them so that there are always some at yours.

When one parent is shit at something, the other parent has to step up, regardless of whether or not it's 'fair'.

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:32

MumChp · 18/03/2025 14:28

Just opt out of it.

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How?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:30

I think it is SC as well… They often put on their best/newest clothes on Sunday and if we tell them to change they get sulky about it

Like I said I totally understand why but we just can’t afford to be buying whole new wardrobes every month. We do stuff with them on Sundays so I don’t want to take them out in stained or ripped clothes on those days

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MumChp · 18/03/2025 14:28

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:26

To be honest I think they are just worn constantly because they’re the best/nicest clothes available. So when (if) they are returned a fortnight / month of being worn every day that’s a lot of wear

Whenever we ask for specific stuff back we get a lot of snippy “ the clothes should belong to the children “ stuff which is agree with if she also provided decent clothes. But she doesn’t

Just opt out of it.

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:26

To be honest I think they are just worn constantly because they’re the best/nicest clothes available. So when (if) they are returned a fortnight / month of being worn every day that’s a lot of wear

Whenever we ask for specific stuff back we get a lot of snippy “ the clothes should belong to the children “ stuff which is agree with if she also provided decent clothes. But she doesn’t

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 18/03/2025 14:25

Why are the clothes in such bad condition when they return? These are not young children so no reason for them to be in such a state. I would be asking the children what has happened for this to keep happening and explain to them that the clothes can't be replaced and will need to be worn.

I would send them to their mum's in the clothes with stains on as at least they are already damaged. By sending them with new clothes each time it just means more clothes will be ruined. Explain to the children that this is clothes for their mum's house and they can wear they other clothes when at yours.

wishiwasjoking · 18/03/2025 14:24

Just buy cheap plain Primark t shirts and pants and socks and send them back in those + school trousers. That way shirts aren't sweaty and needing to be washed and ironed again.

LoveWine123 · 18/03/2025 14:24

To be honest it sounds like their mum is the problem as she is not providing them with suitable clothing. Not sure what you can do other than keep buying stuff to at least make sure that the kids have decent clothes to wear not only during their time with you but also during the time with their mum. I know this doesn’t sound like a great solution for you but I would prioritise the children in this case. Is the mum not doing well financially? Is that why she is buying stained and ripped clothes?

TheSandgroper · 18/03/2025 14:22

Might DC’s mum be selling the nice clothes? Which must be heartbreaking for the children, particularly if they are loyal to mum.

mathanxiety · 18/03/2025 14:22

Send them back to mum's in their uniforms, or buy a few sets of cheap clothes to use (from Vinted, etc) for returning in.

stayathomer · 18/03/2025 14:21

Do they kids say what happened to them? Sounds terrible!

Jshrbt · 18/03/2025 14:18

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:06

I don’t want to send them back in school uniform if we can help it as this feels really petty and a bit demeaning for them.

Someone mentioned they’ll be teenagers soon, but surely the problem will be even worse then. SC want to keep the “nice clothes” at their mum’s because their clothes at mum’s are awful. She’s getting second-hand bundles from somewhere and everything is worn, stained, holes, wrong size, not styles SDs like…

Our experience was that it was better as teenagers as they’ll chose clothes just moved their own clothes between houses.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 18/03/2025 14:17

Do you drop them back on the Sunday? If so I'd just ask either the kids or their mum to hand over the clothes on the doorstep. What does your DP say about this?

If the clothes come back stained I'd wash them (through gritted teeth) but if they're ripped, tough shit, the kids should look after them better (assuming that the ex genuinely isn't a psycho choosing to deliberately rip nice clothes).

Starlight1984 · 18/03/2025 14:17

Urgh as a step-mum I don't know the answer but feel your pain. I was actually putting some washing away last night and realised most of DSDs drawers in her bedroom are empty?!

I was a step-child so I know it's hard living between two houses but we've bought her school uniform, shoes, casual stuff for "playing out", trainers etc etc to have at ours to make it easier and so she doesn't have to carry stuff back and forth but still EVERYTHING gradually disappears and ends up at her mums?!

Freshflower · 18/03/2025 14:17

You need to ask childs mum to send a spare change of clothes for going home on Sundays as the clothes you buy are never returned. If she doesn't send them back then there is no option but to send them back in their uniform

MumChp · 18/03/2025 14:17

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:12

But they don’t often turn up in rags, they turn up in uniform. We have to provide something for them to wear over the weekend and to go back

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Teenagers can bring clothes you have paid for from home. Quite simple.

Your young stepchildren. You need to keep the clothes tight and not leave your home.

If you don't you accept that you won't get it back ir get it back ruined and repeat. Mum wont change. No fun but lot of stepparents face this.

MumChp · 18/03/2025 14:13

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:07

On the rare occasions they come from mum’s house to ours in her clothes, honestly it’s so bad I’d be embarrassed to be seen out with them. So I don’t blame SC at all for wanting the “nice clothes” but I can’t afford to be spending £200 a month on clothes for them

Don't.
It's not your responsibility. You'll have to accept uniforms and ruined clothes.

I would buy second hand clothes on FBMarkedplace and Primark but for two(?) weekends a month I wouldn't spend a lot.

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:12

MumChp · 18/03/2025 14:10

But being teenagers you can say 'we bought you nice clothes - whatever' if they turn up in rags. Teenagers have more responsibility for clothes than primary school children.

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But they don’t often turn up in rags, they turn up in uniform. We have to provide something for them to wear over the weekend and to go back

OP posts:
MumChp · 18/03/2025 14:10

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:06

I don’t want to send them back in school uniform if we can help it as this feels really petty and a bit demeaning for them.

Someone mentioned they’ll be teenagers soon, but surely the problem will be even worse then. SC want to keep the “nice clothes” at their mum’s because their clothes at mum’s are awful. She’s getting second-hand bundles from somewhere and everything is worn, stained, holes, wrong size, not styles SDs like…

But being teenagers you can say 'we bought you nice clothes - whatever' if they turn up in rags. Teenagers have more responsibility for clothes than primary school children.

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:07

On the rare occasions they come from mum’s house to ours in her clothes, honestly it’s so bad I’d be embarrassed to be seen out with them. So I don’t blame SC at all for wanting the “nice clothes” but I can’t afford to be spending £200 a month on clothes for them

OP posts: