SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

I'm in two minds about this.

Firstly you could just send them back in some of the ruined clothes. That seems the most sensible thing to do.

But also.. they're not your clothes, they're THEIR clothes. Why should they only be able to wear them at your house? It seems a bit unfair.

They can't choose to keep them there if they don't go home to Mum's wearing them. You sound like a wonderful Stepmum and your thoughfulness towards the children's feelings is admirable. However, you're being taken for a mug and there is a solution, which will keep all the clothes you buy at your house and won't involve sending them home in uniform.

Can your DH alter his hours slightly to allow for Monday drop off to school as it sounds the perfect answer?

(we were supposed to have this but exh was so horrendous about still having the kids on a Sunday evening they started coming back Sunday eve)

He needs to change that then and either take them home to change first or pick them up from home. You DP needs to step up and handle this so it's not an issue. He can also tell the children that he gives their mother money for clothes to wear at her house.

I wouldn’t send them back in uniform, I don’t think that’s kind to the kids.

But I would make them change into whatever clothes their mum has provided for the weekend. Could you maybe add a shower into their routine so they don’t feel like they are being forced to change? It’s perfectly acceptable to change into fresh clothes after a shower so that could be a way around it. You then keep the nice stuff at yours for them to wear all weekend and then before they go home ask them to change into something from their bag so you can wash the clothes for your house.

With the underwear I would ask the kids to bring back the ones you bought next time they come round. Even if the little ones don’t really understand, I’m sure you could text the nearly teenagers and ask them to round up as much as they can for them and their siblings?

The other option as people have suggested is dropping the kids off at school on the Monday morning.

I’d recommend doing a Monday drop at mums in uniform and offer to make sure that maintenance payments don’t change (undeclared additional overnight)

will fix the clothing issue your end, the additional overnight will likely save you money from that point of view as you’ll only really need to think about underwear going back the stuff you buy will be looked after for the weekends

I have the same thing - but it’s me sending DC in suitable clothes to their dad and not getting it back, or sending uniform over that is never returned. And I can forget about any underwear.

I’ve never found a solution to this that doesn’t just punish the DC by not letting them have their nice clothes when they want them.

The only solution I’ve found is DC being old enough to pack and bring back their own stuff (which is basically where we are now thankfully). I still end up paying more than I should for clothes as sadly younger DC is not that organised and gets upset if it’s brought up to much (he has ADHD).

PS - my son’s step mum isn’t involved in any of this and neither would I expect her to be - why would she have any involvement in their clothes? So another answer would be to take a huge step back on the clothes front and to leave this bit to him - doesn’t mean you can’t participate in loving and being kind to them!

No it isn't. It's just uniform. Not a big deal.
If they are embarred ask their mum to take responsibility and pack a set of clothes/pj to send them home in. If she doesn't then uniforms.

Pjs then.
Or plain white t-shirt and black leggings.
Though I absolutely would do uniform bottoms.

Mum will soon get bored of being a pain.

Into the clothes you insist they arrive in on a Friday (not uniform).

Sadly (for the kids) I think the answer is to just buy basic items from cheap shops that are functional but not that fashionable. The kids will be motivated to bring their nicer items back and to keep them in better condition.

Could your DP insist that they arrive in their own clothes on Fridays? He should be handling this and not allowing his ex to trash/steal the clothes you provide for them when they're with you. How far away do they live?

Am I reading this wrong or are you the only one spending all this money and buying their clothes?

Does your partner contribute at all?

You absolutely can.
When bowling/McDonald's/swimming/whatever is finished, then you go in the loo and change right before you get in the car.
You smile at the kids and say I'll get these clothes washed nice for next time. 😁

Mum can't say a thing about it.

If this is happening, you could let the school know your observations? They have a duty of care to a child and will add it to their records that the children don't have appropriate clothing (shoes too small, stained or soiled clothes).. then they can check in and see if they have what they need? Although if your DP pays maintenance and some other related costs, you may just need to accept that their clothing is now coming from your DP budget too. X

No, that's not snobby.

If there are concerns that the mum is physically neglecting the girls (shoes too small resulting in discomfort, blisters, complaints from the child), then a call to the mother is in order, with specific problem solving in mind, and the offer of mediation to discuss the problems that have been observed if they can't be dealt with over the phone or by email.

Throwing out shoes that are too small and buying new ones is what would happen if the parents were together, so maybe once every six months it would be reasonable to do this and just consider it "parenting".

But clothing that is holey at the knee, has the odd stain, maybe a thread or two pulled, maybe separates don't go together - that's not really a problem.

A child wearing a crop top and no coat may well be a child who refused to wear a coat despite the mother asking. Period stains are only a problem if they're not the child's or if the child finds them embarrassing.