SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

Just seen it now. Yes, that's gross and totally unacceptable, but that is a separate issue to the mum "keeping and ruining" the clothes OP is buying.

This is very true - being a single parent to 3 kids with only 4 days off a month is A LOT.

OP - it’s sounds like it’s just you and your DH? You have very different circumstances and amount of free time.

Full time childcare for three kids is ££££s, so unless your partner is paying about £5k a monthin CMS, then he’s getting a good deal on the childcare.

also OP- what’s your standards for a decent outfit? We’re all different. I have a friend whose kids run around in old, small clothes, but they’re happy. She just doesn’t care about that stuff. Kids are very hard on clothes too, so many parents let them wear clothes with holes.

and even if she is doing it out of spite, perhaps she has a lot of resentment? You say your DP isn’t a high earner, so am guessing he isn’t paying loads to her? I’d be pissed off because no way is he doing his fair share. Imagine how much he’d have to pay up for half a nanny for the kids? £500 worth of clothes is a drop in the ocean.

Am not criticising you, OP. And SC’s mum may be doing it on purpose, but if you put yourself in her shoes, it may help find a solution to the problem.

Keep most of the clothes you have bought at yours. Buy one set of cheap, comfy clothes for each child and designate those 'travel clothes'. Get into a routine where each child has a bag with only those clothes in it and is wearing school uniform or vice versa depending on direction of travel. Get the children on board with making this work.

@InvisibilityCloakActivated when dad has said he's running out of clothes at his I've also grabbed a bagful to give him at next handover, it's not that deep, I'm not petty

@InvisibilityCloakActivated I'm mum in this situation and I can't stand my ex but I always try and dress our son in the clothes that came from dads house on days that he has him as he obviously likes those clothes (and I don't want to lose the clothes that I chose!)

No, second hand period pants are a bridge too far, but I still think you need to examine how much your DP is contributing to their upkeep against what you are expecting her to provide with that money.

Kids grow quickly. It is reasonable for both of the parents to be contributing to new shoes etc, but if DP is not a high earner, he is probably not paying that much in maintenance and what he is providing will be soon spent on food, utilities, petrol, clubs, playdates, hobbies, birthday parties with friends (which for 3 kids will not be stretching very far!).

Presumably the kids are arriving with some sort of overnight bag each weekend? Maybe ask mum to pack a spare set of clothes each weekend for the next few weeks so you slowly build up a supply of extra things.

It isn't reasonable to expect kids to keep all their favourite things at your house when they are only there 4 nights a month.

@CrookShanx what a rubbish situation for you and mainly for the kids

Whatever her issues, she shouldn’t do this to the kids, it’s just so petty and mean, I agree with you about not sending them back in uniform xx

Why can't you ask mum to hand over a bag of their nice clothes when you drop them back so you have some ready for next week end? Tell her you're all out and thyeyll be in uniforms all of next weekend unless she gives some back. If she doesn't then tell children to go in and get some and you'll wait outside. Dad needs to lead on this

Just untangle yourself from this. If they come in awful clothes then unfortunately they just have to wear it. At some point it’s going to click with the kids that they need to bring them back. Why are you spending your money on their clothes? Leave it for their dad to sort out.

We don't split finance in our house so it wouldn't be my husband paying because he went shopping. We would pay. A lot of couples' finance isn't yours/mine.

I feel really sorry for those kids. Maintenance payments don't add up to much and it seems their mum is struggling a bit. They will be very aware of the awful clothes she puts them in. Can she not send them with an extra bag to school with the decent clothes in or can your DH pick some up from her house on the way to pick them up at school?
He should be paying for their clothes, not you, even if you actually choose them and he reimburses you.
Otherwise yes I would be keeping the good clothes at your house so they have something to wear when they come to you.

This is all their dads problem to solve, not yours.

Yes, ask her to have a bag of clothes ready at each drop off for the next week

know you’re right but it’s hard because my daughter is a similar age and quite into fashion. So she’ll look nice and have nice clothes and going out for a day having SDs in stained Primark tracksuits alongside her feels quite cruel.
Is your OH contributing towards your children' clothing?
It's really not hard to keep good outfits though imo the children should be able to wear most of them home, if if they're worn out, it's because they like them.
How old are the children?

Remind the DC of what they are doing with you for the weekend and ask them to take to school any clothes they want to wear. Is taking them to their Mum’s after school to get changed/pick up a bag an option?

Keep them until Monday without reducing maintenance.

Return them in their uniform once and the DC may then decide they do want to return clothes/pack a back to bring with them.

sounds like she knows exactly what she is doing. Are the kids old enough to put some clothes for the weekend into a rucksack and take thatbto school with a favourite teddy or books etc?

And I'm sure you don't want to be seen out with poorly dressed children either. I would definitely provide them with nice clothes to wear when they were with me but there's not a chance in hell I'd send them back to their slovenly, neglectful mother wearing the things I'd paid for.

I think as dad and you are funding decent clothes in both homes as well as maintenance he's fine to ask mum to cover all school uniforms and not pay extra for these

Firstly they aren’t your kids so really this is your partners problem to solve, not yours!

Send them back either in uniform or in some super super cheap outfits from Primark- leggings and a t-shirt. Get it in your partners budget (he should be paying). Then forget the clothes- you’ll never ever see them again.

Or send them back in school uniform, as many others have suggested.

Sadly you cannot change this mums behaviour.

Ah, I just got the impression that the nice new clothes from OP's house - on the few occasions they did return - were also very worn/stained within a short period and that seemed a bit strange. I wondered if something was happening like the washing machine making holes that you mention.

Dress them alike for the day.
Change stepchild into uniform or whatever clothes you won't miss Before handover.
Job done.