SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

I disagree. I don't think it's confusing at all, even a 4 year old can understand 'just popping this on for the way home and you'll get changed there'. Then more information added as they get older. That's what we had to do and the SC weren't affected by it at all at the time, and as they got older they thought their Mum was being ridiculous. Expensive coats and outfits we bought were all kept if we sent them home in them, so we had to end up sending them home in uniform. Anything sent by her got returned. She absolutely flipped her lid one time we missed putting a pair of trousers in ironically - which ex-dh dutifully still dropped off later that evening.

Doesn't matter if ex thinks it's petty, she can quite easily send a spare set from her house that's returned each week. OP is not the one keeping clothes. It really does add up cost wise.

I don’t think there is any one solution that will solve it instantly. I would look at having some outfits at yours for changing into on Friday after school and for Saturday. For Sunday I would pick up some inexpensive leggings or jeans and a basic sweater. They put on decent top/coat/trainers and when you get back to the car you change them for the basics. Nickers and socks not so easy but can be bought cheaper. Maybe buy all the kids tops with some level of personalisation for Sunday trips so you have an excuse to say they must stay with you.

Can your other half go to court for 50/50? If a 7 year old is wearing the same dirty top for 12 days, they are in period stained pants, shoes too tight or way too big I'd be concerned about other areas of neglect and how they are living the remainder of each fortnight. They will act in the best interest of the children, sounds like mum is struggling at home for whatever reason but it's not fair that the kids are suffering

I completely agree.

Jeez some of these responses i can’t even read the thread. Op addressing your post …not your DH custody/ parenting agreement or suggesting a change to this plan… I too had this problem Dc 5/7 when divorced and ex made 5 (yes 5) times my income. Never sent anything back and if he did I didn’t recognize the clothes…just like you too small torn etc. I disagree about the uniforms…I absolutely would send them back in those irregardless of what we did that day. Are you dropping them at the mums door? Then no pronlem…wash dried put on dropped off and uniforms off again. Tell the dc it has to be this way becuse clothes go but never come back. Divorce is shit for kids but clothing is not a hill to die on. You and DH make the decisions… put them in uniform and that’s it until they can manage their own clothes. This time will come even sooner for them living between 2 homes and keeping track of your stuff is a good life skill. They won’t be marred by this and mum will not change. She’s either oblivious to clothes or has a heaping mountain of dirty at home or she’s doing it intentionally. Stop spending money on the clothes…primary/ vinted/ asada not free and where are those clothes going??? Same place as the nicer ones. Next up for you…sports kit not making it back and discovering this as you are leaving house for sport or “somebody” stealing their clothes. My dd had multiple things go missing and was blamed for their loss when they were stolen including a pearl ring. Uniforms op uniforms

Can you change contact so that you drop back to school on Monday morning?

That would mean that you picked up and dropped off in school clothes, leaving home clothes at the right house.

The expensive bit of raising children isn't their clothes - its having to balance your life round their needs with either childcare or reduced working hours.

Their mum has all of the cost of this except for the two school pickups a month that your DH does, so changing to a school dropoff on a monday morning would double the amount that your DH is supporting with these costs to four a month.

It's also worth you thinking about why the clothes at mum's house are in worse condition than the ones at yours. My ex moans about this too, but hasn't worked out that its because they wear the clothes at my house 24 days out of 28 and the clothes at his house 4 days out of 28.

In uniform, they’re going straight to their mums. They’ll cope. I wouldn’t be washing it either, she can do that Sunday night, like millions of other people do.

Do not send them back in uniform. It's humiliating for them. I had this exact issue with my ex and in court he argued like a baby and I just gave in and suggested they come home at 7pm Sunday eve and be bathed and put in PJs and I would supply those pj's on the Friday in their school bags.
Tell her to pack some for them on a Friday if she refuses at least pyjamas aren't as expensive as clothes and hopefully she will pack your ones back for you.

It seems that your SC spend the majority of their time with their mum, if you have them only every other weekend (and hols, but most of the time isn't hols), so it makes sense that most of their clothes will be at their main house.

It's not much fun having nice clothes if you can only wear them four days of the month. Of course the kids take their nice clothes to their house.

Maybe the answer is for most of their clothes to live at their house and for the kids to pack clothes to bring for weekends away at yours. I know you wanted to avoid just that, but it's not working. And at least that way, the kids get to be better dressed for much more of the time, which is much nicer for them, and avoids all this "Get changed and give me what you're wearing" stuff or sending them back in uniform. If you just accept that the clothes belong to the kids and should be wherever the kids are, and accept that the kids will have to pack for weekends away, then they will never know there's a clothes issue, which is the ideal.

Their mum should drop their weekend bags off at yours so they don't have to take them to school. Or your husband will have to go and get them.

This. I don't know what the answer is but don't do this.

I was going to say the same thing. Financially whether you keep your dcs overnight on Sunday or not I’m figuring it’s not going to make a big difference as it sounds as if you feed them then drop them. So I’d just agree to drop them at their mum’s on Monday morning before work and not declare the additional night.

We wouldn't pay for clothes for every visit. Simple as that.

Please don't send them back in school uniform. Imagine how the children would feel? It's a bit degrading for them.

Could you put them into PJ's and then you can tell them your helping mum out by getting them ready for bed. Perhaps do bath and PJs and then you can put everything in the wash ready for when they come next time.

Maybe the OP's husband would be more inclined to do something about it, if he had to cover it all himself.
I think I would feel resentful that I was paying more for step kids clothes than for my own kids' even though I only saw step kids 4 days a month, given that money's gone out of my/ our family pot on maintenance already.
But if they can afford it there's no issue really.

So, solutions. I get that you can't be constantly buying new outfits for three kids. Keeping the clothes you bought them at your house and sending them home in their uniforms might just have to do. People have hinted that the kids might be upset about this but are they?

Also, it sounds like there's underlying resentment here. If that's at root of this clothes problem, that could possibly be improved on? A few thoughts, which may or may not apply:

If their mother is resentful, does she have any reason for resentment?

Do you think the tense connection here would ease up if your husband handled his ex-wife (If you usually do it now)? Is the friction because you, the new wife, are involved?

Or is it a control/"whose kids are they" thing? People are funny about their kids. Any ideas there? Like, is it possible the mother doesn't like you purchasing her kids' clothes and might be more cooperative if she was somehow included in that more or consulted?

Is it possible she's struggling financially more than you two and resents that?

Anything that could be worked with there to try for better relations? Possibly even considering a few counseling sessions with all four adults, to try to get to a nicer place, since that would benefit everyone involved?

I know this isn't the same but I had a problem SIL and her husband liked to drop his kid off with me (different story there lol). She'd call and be nasty about various things. It was easier for me to handle because I didn't really care about their problems anyway but just kinda to see what would happen, I called her and asked if it was okay if I painted her young daughter's fingernails. Another time, I called to ask if her daughter could have a certain pain reliever when she didn't feel good. After that, she was really sweet to me lol. I think she didn't want the divorce and just resented having her kids taken out of her control, which, as a mother (and as someone who didn't care about their marriage anyway) I understand. Just a thought, if it helps.

Good luck with it.

Also, as a child I did EOW at my dads and didn’t keep any clothes there at all - just took a weekend bag. I know it’s nice to make both parents houses feel like home but for four days a month it’s not realistic and surely just leads to these issues. Is it not normal just to take a weekend bag?

Totally understand your frustration OP. But as an aside, fuck me it’s heartbreaking to read a thread all about kids being changed into cheap pyjamas, school uniform or crap clothes to be dispatched from one parent to another on a Sunday evening 😢

Had this problem with teenaged DS. I now rotate a couple of very basic primark/george outfits EOW and all of his branded clothes stay here as I’m sick of never seeing them again.

If she doesn't give a shit why do you? You can't change mum anyway.

Time for their dad to compromise his job and be a proper parent, for now send back directly to school on a Monday morning, he will have to reduce hours/swap shifts. Then take it to court, what else is being neglected while his children spend their life in stained rags?

millions of parents, mostly women compromise their job and income for their dc, it’s time for him to step up and do the same. He needs to be seeing his dc far more than 4 days a month in these circumstances.